Sindy asked why we feel the need to confess about our crossdressing. It's been bugging me for a while and so I've been doing some reading. This is a copy, word for word, of an article that I found which resonated with me. Have a read and see what you think.

'The problem with keeping secrets is that they're alive. We like to think that our secrets can lie quietly in our minds, as inert as dirt, but we're wrong. Secrets aren't just our creations...they're our creatures, beings with wills of their own. They grow. They reproduce, as we form new secrets to support the old ones. They even migrate, colonizing the people closest to us (ask anyone from a secretive family). But the scariest thing about secrets is what they want: They want out. The truth constantly tries to escape into the open, and keeping any of it buried invites isolation, obsession, addiction, even complete psychological destruction. On the other hand, random or ill-advised confessions can be disastrous. The only way to find harmony and balance is to learn when, where, why and to whom you should confess your secrets.

Theodor Reik uses a term called "the compulsion to confess." This urge is part of every normal person (and some abnormal people as well—ever notice how many criminals get caught because they blab about their crimes?). The confession compulsion makes sense when you consider that our secrets are simply parts of our life stories, our selves, that have been forced into hiding. We all have a deep psychological need to be accepted as we really are, but that can never happen as long as there are parts of us that no one sees or knows. We conceal aspects of ourselves that we think invite rejection, but ironically, the very act of secrecy makes us inaccessible to love. We think we're hiding our secrets, but really, our secrets are hiding us.

Perhaps that's why when we lie or hide the truth, our very physiology rebels: Stress indicators like blood pressure, perspiration, blinking rates and breathing all increase, while immune function declines. Our subconscious mind joins the battle against secrecy; we find ourselves telling the truth in dreams, Freudian slips and the occasional drunken blurt. The more secretive we are, the more separate we feel from our own bodies, our own lives.

When I did research on addiction, I found that most of the addicts I interviewed were trying to ease the pain of psychological isolation caused by dark secrets, and that telling their secrets was the single most powerful step that allowed them to connect with others, experience loving acceptance, and ultimately heal.

There are many things that don't need revealing; things that are simply private, rather than secret. You only need to confess secrets that diminish your ability to live an authentic life. You may have inherited these dark secrets from a dysfunctional family, broken a moral code, or fallen victim to something—rape, financial fraud, AIDS—that triggered shame and concealment. If any of the following statements describe you, confession is a must
o I am keeping a secret to protect someone—possibly myself—from the natural consequences of ongoing destructive behavior (alcoholism, violence or sexual abuse, for example).
o My secret makes me feel constantly ashamed.
o I conceal the truth because telling it might make someone angry.
o I would not want to associate with anyone who has the same secret I do.
o I'm sure I'll be rejected by anyone who learns this secret.
o My secret is so awful, I can't stand to think about it, let alone talk about it.
o This secret makes me pull away from people I want to trust and love.
o I'd rather end a relationship than tell another person my secret.
o I'm doing something that violates my own moral code.

Conveniently enough, the first person to whom you absolutely must confess is you. Why not try it right now? Admit to yourself the secret things you have done or that have been done to you. Reject euphemisms and use the real words: adultery, stealing, bulimia, child abuse, whatever. Traditional cultures teach that calling something by its real name is the only way to gain power over it. Naming your dark secret in your own mind is the first step in reclaiming the power it has leeched from your life.

The next step is one of the hardest but most liberating things you'll ever do. You must tell your whole truth to at least one other human being. You might want to start by confiding in a therapist, a religious advisor or a 12-step group. You're more likely to get a calm reaction from these people than from folks who are directly influenced by your actions. Finding just one person who doesn't run away screaming when you tell your secret will move you a long way toward feeling whole, brave and strong. That's good, because the next step is even scarier.

You must confess your dark secrets to anyone with whom you wish to have an intimate emotional bond. I know dozens of people whose romantic relationships have failed because the parties involved kept secrets from each other. "My feelings for my wife have faded over time," said a friend who had just ended an affair. "I've confessed to our priest, and I feel good about myself, but that sense of being really connected to my wife hasn't come back." News flash: You can never feel really connected to anyone from whom you are keeping important information. Secrets kill intimacy.

Next, an extra-credit question: Is it still possible for you to be blackmailed? In other words, after you've admitted the truth to yourself and your loved ones, is there any person or group you're still terrified might learn your secret? If so, you're not finished confessing. To be really free, you must be comfortable with the idea of any person or group knowing the whole truth about your life. That doesn't mean you have to confess everything to everyone, but you must be able to handle the thought of their knowing your secret. Otherwise you'll be haunted by doubt, controlled by your attempts to control what others know.

Pay attention if you ever find yourself thinking, "I could tell my secret right now...I really could...maybe I will..." You may feel ambivalent, your heart fluttering like a nervous moth as the yearning to create a truthful connection battles your fear of exposure. At such times, trust yearning over fear. Your intuition, which is far wiser than any set of rules I could devise, is telling you to take the risk. If you resist it, you'll experience the psychological equivalent of long-term nausea, becoming more and more miserable until the pain of hiding the truth finally becomes worse than the pain of barfing it up. You're approaching this point when:
o You sense a deep chasm between you and people you love.
o Your feelings for significant others have flattened as you disengaged to avoid telling the truth.
o You feel your secret as a literal weight, dragging you downward.
o You're filled with anger and/or hopelessness when you think about your secret.
o The secret haunts you, intruding on your thoughts and poisoning pleasure.
o You argue about almost anything, creating conflicts that are never resolved (because you aren't discussing the real issue).
o You compulsively talk around the subject that's bothering you, without confessing (an alcoholic may talk endlessly about drinking, all the time denying that he or she has a drinking problem).
o You find yourself confessing to random people (bartenders, new acquaintances, colleagues) while lying to your loved ones.

If you're experiencing these symptoms, you may find yourself confessing inappropriate things to inappropriate people at inappropriate times. We've all met members of the Too Much Information Club, who chat tipsily at cocktail parties about their marital woes, their potty-training memories or their habit of excessive masturbation.

Fighting to keep secrets that wish to be told often leads to such badly timed revelations, which are unfulfilling at best, hideously embarrassing at worst. Telling when your heart tells you to is the way to avoid this dysfunctional pattern.

Confession is risky. Some people really may reject you if you claim your whole identity and tell your whole story. But explicitly losing these people is no more horrible than keeping them—sort of—at the cost of your integrity. Besides, there are probably far fewer of them than you think. Contrary to popular belief, love is not blind. It has very sharp eyesight indeed, and most of the people who love you aren't fooled by whatever masks you wear. They sense when you hide things from them, and become frustrated by their inability to connect. By giving the people you care about the chance to love you as you are, everyone will benefit.

Perhaps our secrets struggle to be revealed because they know that confession can perform a miracle: It can make dark secrets bright. It can turn our worst mistakes or tragedies into beacons of hope for others. Think about it: When you're most trapped by secrecy, you don't want the advice of people who have never been touched by evil, despair or confusion. You want someone who has been where you are and made it back alive. That's why a confession you make merely to illuminate the murky corners of your little life may end up lighting the path to freedom for a thousand other hearts.'

From the June 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine.

Read more: https://www.oprah.com/omagazine/your-guide-to-confessing-your-deep-dark-secrets#ixzz4c3AU62DP

That's a very emotional piece. I can sense the desperation in people carrying deep secrets.

But I was interested in the part where he says some things are secrets, others are just things we keep private. So, which is crossdressing, I wonder? I understand the gender dysphoric person needing to share, but the guy who dresses for a masturbation session? I'm guessing he shouldn't feel quite so desperate to tell others!

I guess, Katie, you're feeling like crossdressing is an identity of sorts, and thus you need to share? I know it's a part of my husband's psyche now, but it's still a very private part so I think if he ran around telling work colleagues etc that he'd be seen as the over sharer! I sure don't want to know if any of the men at my job are crossdressers!

And maybe that's the dilemma with this sort of secret? Addiction, abuse, crime etc, are all things that can shape a person and leave them feeling ashamed and this affects their connection with others, and yet they can get help, move on from the secret and reconnect. It's a stigma issue, and includes other things like sexuality and mental health and even personal health. The crossdresser is also hugely stigmatised but the difference is he has a behavioural issue that he doesn't want to stop doing or get help with, and for most it's just a bit of stress relief and sexual fun. So telling people seems a bit odd, yes? I've had friends confess serious things to me, including abuse and mental health stuff and we were able to chat and cry and hug and even come up with a plan to move forward. When my husband finally told me of the dressing, that was it. He TOLD me. There's just no where to go with that information. He doesn't need anything from me other than to accept it. I didn't feel like he was connecting with me - just giving me information I should have had from the very start.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, unless telling the wife results in some joyous reconnection, like Emma sort of had, which is actually very rare, or the crossdresser is accepted fully and can now live an open shamefree supported life, I wonder what benefit it is to either party? In my case, I think it has actually caused some distance.

But, I do get the weight of carrying around a secret. I don't know what the answer is. Maybe just knowing this is how our husbands feel helps a little? x

Hi Sindy

I think you need to understand the journey that many crossdressers of my generation have been through. It was the 1970’s when I first started dressing and information was very scant. No Internet and as a young boy nowhere to go to find out who or what you are. You question you’re own sexuality, as being gay in the 70s wasn’t the same as it is now, so you’re scared. You realise that you’re not gay but still realise that you are different and you know that this is not something you share so it becomes a guilty secret. Something you are ashamed of but just can’t give up. It is not easy growing up with these feelings of isolation, shame and guilt. So the secret lies deep within you – you can’t tell anyone.

Fast-forward to now and many of us have been on a journey of discovery. Internet, chat rooms, books, films, documentaries - information is freely available so you can now finally identify that you are a crossdresser. As the article says the first stage is to confess to yourself.

You now understand a little better but as the article says you now feel the need to share this part of your life with the one person that you have an intimate bond. I can identify with a lot of the emotions expressed in the article and to a degree I am still experiencing them. It does hurt to not feel accepted for who you are, for part of me to be ignored, blanked as if it doesn’t exist. I know that it is also difficult for my wife but to feel rejected by the main person in your life is hard to take at times.

It is difficult to talk about because I fear that the conversation is going to be closed down. That is a rejection and we all know that rejection is hard to take.

So in answer to your questions, crossdressing is both a secret and private matter purely because of the stigma attached. Plenty of crossdressers try and stop and get help but all the evidence is that the desire won’t go away. Unless a crossdresser is going to live 24/7 as a woman then there is no need to let everyone know – keep it private, as you say most people aren’t interested in knowing too many intimate facts about their friends and colleagues.

From experience and what I’ve read most people aren’t too bothered about crossdressers. Women seem intrigued and are full of questions; men just want to take the piss. The one person it affects the most is likely to be first person you confess to, the person you love, and the person you share your life with. It takes a whole lot of soul searching and courage to confess. Think of all the emotions that are coursing through your body, you think of all the consequences and different scenarios. To finally trust someone with this secret is hard given the years it has laid deep within.

I know you said that knowing has probably caused some distance between you and your husband. But maybe not knowing would have had the same affect. I know that not feeling accepted does make me to feel a little more distant from my wife. Because she doesn’t want to know I still feel that I’m carrying on with a secret life, which means I still feel a lot of the emotions, mentioned in the article.

I constantly struggle with wanting to talk more openly but also fearing the rejection that might ensue. That is my confession.

Katie

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Katie. It makes a difference to hear a very personal perspective.

Do you think, if your wife never talks about this with you, that you will literally die feeling like you took this secret to grave and were rejected for it? I hope not, for that's heartbreaking. I honestly didn't realise the need to share was so strong. I've asked my husband if he minds that I've backed away now and leave him to do it and he always says he's fine. Maybe he's not. Then again, we have talked and shared about it in depth before I reached this point so maybe that's the difference?

Do you think sharing with a sympathetic counselor would help? I chatted to one a few times who was very informed about crossdressing and it really helped normalise and calm things for me. I guess it's not the same as your wife, but it might open communication channels between you. She might open up more if you tell her you're seeing a counsellor about it? Sometimes women just want to have it normalised, if that makes sense. Knowing a counsellor can accept and discuss it without making a big deal was actually a huge deal for me. I didn't feel so alone anymore.

And no, most people have no issue with crossdressing. It's harder on the intimate partners because it can destroy the sexual attraction etc, but maybe that's also a communication issue and the younger generation would have the problems we've had. I hope so. It sounds very lonely, what you've been through. I honestly had no idea. x

Thanks Sindy.

I think many of the problems are of my own making. I'm not very good a sharing my emotions - stiff British upper lip - and if my wife does ask if I'm OK I'll usually say fine. I do find it hard to open up and let down my guard so everything just get bottled up.

I guess it's the male thing about wanting to be the rock, the constant in the marriage and not to become an emotional wreck. To be seen as less of a man for crossdressing is hard, especially if it from your wife.To think that she might be less attracted to me because I dress is difficult, especially when she has never seen me dressed and I keep everything hidden.

I'm not sure if reading so much helps or hinders. Before she found out I knew very little about crossdressing. It has been a voyage of discovery and not all of it pleasant. I understand myself, it's just how other might view me is the hardest to take. I'd hate to think that my wife would be ashamed of me, that she found me less attractive and less of a man because I crossdress.

I guess my reluctance to talk is the fear that discovering that this is the case. So the elephant sits in the room. Maybe she doesn't notice because I try to act normally but I think that maybe she has an idea that something is up. She's alway loving and affectionate so maybe my fear are unfounded. Thy probably are knowing the way I do it's just the embarrassment of approaching the subject.

As Rebecca said it is kind of weird thing to talk about and I do tend to clam up. Even thinking about talking about it sets my heart racing and my stomach in knots. So really it's a hurdle for me to get over and may 'grow some balls'.

Katie

Katie, I'll be honest, it likely is embarrassing and shameful for your wife that her husband crossdresses. Your worries here may be real. As my close shrink friend always tells me, if the plane is going down and you're feeling anxious, your feelings are valid!

Your wife, and many wives across the planet, (and yes even me) often will be embarrassed, sad, disappointed and even resentful that our husbands are crossdressers. It IS a socially embarrassing activity. You know this. You've known this as long as you've been doing it. Otherwise, you wouldn't have felt a need to keep it a secret. You are as ashamed of it as your wife is, if not more so. And she can't fix that for you. As long as society at large sees it as a stigmatised, shameful activity then that's what it is.

Get over it.

And I don't mean that in a mean way, I really don't, because I really care for your well being, Katie! I mean it in a slap up the face way. You've maybe read too much and decided things should be a certain way, despite living most of your life without these things. I feel sick thinking you'll be misunderstood on your deathbed, but I feel even worse thinking your wife might just walk off one day because you crossdress.

I so wish my husband had been more emotional and open and helped me understand rather than turn me against it. Your wife might be ashamed of your crossdressing behaviour but she is NOT ashamed of you. So isn't it sad you can't be a team together, working through this issue. Maybe you will...give it time. For I'm okay, but there's not much left to talk about with my husband. It is what it is.

But I often wish that 'it' were something else.

I know it's my problem. Most of the time I'm Ok, I just get periods when get a little overawed by it all. Now is one of them. It'll pass.

I read an article about 'putting yourself in her shoes' and it maybe touched a few nerves. I try to do that as much as possible which is when the doubts come in.

Deep down I know it's all OK. I'd put my life on the fact that she wouldn't leave because of my crossdressing (provided it stays under control). I know she loves me, I just don't like to disappoint her.

She doesn't want to talk about it because she has nothing more to say. She accepts that it is something I do. I just maybe haven't told her how I feel about it which I think that I owe her. Maybe she'd understand a bit better if I did.

I don't want appear needy in my posts, I'm a big boy who can look after himself.Just need a reality check at times!

Katie

Good post Katie

Some things are secrets, others are just things we keep private.

I think Crossdressing is both, it’s private and its a secret as usually secrets are secrets as you’re afraid what other people will say if they find out about it.

The reason for sharing is hard to explain.

Its a want to be honest and open, its the one day she will find out or catch me crossdressed so I might as well tell her.. I would have told my wife eventually and stupidly a few times stayed dressed within seconds of her coming through the front door the excitement of almost being caught but when my wife asked if she could dress me up and put makeup on me was the ideal opportunity for me to tell her also thinking she asked to dress me up as she’d sussed me out but she hadn’t but it worked out well in the end… 8 years later when she finally met me as Davina.

It’s something I think we’d share if we could but know we’d be ridiculed..

I would love to know if others in work or in our social life crossdress but then it would be another thing under wraps but nice to know I’m not alone.

I dont feel ashamed because I crossdress but maybe at some point in life i’ve felt a little ashamed as it upset my wife when I told her I was a crossdresser but have surpassed any negative feelings about my urge to crossdress.

What wives need to realise is when husbands finally tell wives or BFs tell Gfs we’ve fretted and worried over this for some time wondering how you will react, what you might say or do and most of all dont want to cause hurt or harm and want to reassure you we’re still the same, as we are still the same and it’s hard for women to digest that as they can say you’re not the same you dress up as a woman … It’s strange granted but as I’ve mentioned before there are worse things and there are other things such as dressing up for star trek conventions it’s just dressing up nothing more and its enjoyable and somehow gives us stress relief and sometimes a sexy thrill.

It’s the polar opposite of us blokes wondering why our wives and Gfs wont wear tights, stockings, sexy lingerie, nice dresses, high heels and makeup..

Sindy is right in that it is telling your wife or GF some information asking seeking reassurance that we’re still the same men asking for acceptance of crossdressing as just something we do which is how my wifes accepted it.

As for having this info from the very start well my excuse was I virtually stopped crossdressing whilst we were dating and it only started up again following something stressful happening and became more of a sexual thrill which it was before I met my wife and more of a stress reliever.

I think the benefit in telling and knowing is TRUST – We love and Trust you enough to want you to know this part of us.

Like Katie it was the 80s for me when I started crossdressing and until my 20s I didnt even think to look up crossdressing on the internet.

It was only when I was in my mid 20s and crossdressing started up again having told my wife I crossdressed and her wanting nothing to do with it I joined TV Chix for some help and advice and to chat to others – I never questioned my sexuality as for me crossdressing was all about women and until my wife asked if I was Gay sexuality never crossed my mind.

Now a days info as Katies pointed out is more readily available and there are more crossdressers than we ever realised and crossdressing is thought of as either a joke or something perverted so it stays for the most part a secret.

It is horrible being rejected as a crossdresser as we see no harm in it I guess I’m lucky my wifes ok with it (sorta ok) still hard to talk to her about it and she’s afraid to upset me telling me what she actually feels which I dont care as need to know how she really feels easy for me to say as i’m the one asking for her to be ok with it but it’s a double rejection for some I guess if crossdressing is shunned and if ones wife or GF wont dress up for us we lose out twice. “you should love me as I am” a woman might say and the crossdresser will say “if thats the rule I’ll go put on some stockings”

Again Katie has summed this up “It takes a whole lot of soul searching and courage to confess to your closest loved on that you are a crossdresser... Think of all the emotions that are coursing through your body, you think of all the consequences and different scenarios. To finally trust someone with this secret is hard given the years it has laid deep within”.

Sindy – I bet your husband is saying he’s fine with you backing off but in his mind he’s thinking I’d love this to be something we do together and find some enjoyment in.. I’d probably say the same to my wife if she said look I’m backing off I dont want to come home to find you crossdressed I’d have to say ok no problem but would be thinking AWWWW noooo

If my wife wanted me to I would talk to a counselor but dont think it would stop my urge to crossdress at all but would be a release to openly talk to someone about “Davina”

I bet it is very lonely for the stay at home crossdresser keeping the secret and hiding this from the world.

It can get pretty lonely being a stay at home or hotel room crossdresser hence me blurting out maybe I wanted to go out dressed maybe I’m a little bored.. maybe we need another girls night in and have some fun doing eachothers makeup and trying on dresses etc..

Like Katie I'm also not very good a sharing my emotions as I’m a bloke and we dont show emotions as its a sign of weakness )=(how stupid is that in reality) we bottle it up and instead of tears we usually just let it cause stress.

I don’t see myself as less of a man for being a crossdresser in fact of someone said that the alpha male in me would ask them outside for a punch up as thats how you show you’re a man isnt it being able to beat someone up (No!) how stone age is that.

I’ve not had a fight in years but know I’m man enough crossdresser or not to look after myself (I keep that Hulk locked away inside).

I like to think my wife doesnt think anything less of me for crossdressing she knows I take no messing as a man and the fact I look so ravashing as a woman has no bearing on this, on our marriege on me being a father or anything it’s just something I like to do.

Why do we clam up when we do get to talk?

I have no idea but writing it down passing it over letting her read it passing a note back is the easiest way.

Or text message but be careful no one reads them lol.

I think our minds also go blank so it's better to prep what you want to say and how you're going to say it.

In this scenario the most maddening thing is you start a discussion on crossdressing then your wife changes the subject and mine does this all the time but says she doesnt realise but it must be a coping thing she automatically does when I start any talk about Crossdressing although our last night out we had a good long natter about it which was nice.

“Get over it – You think too much” Is something my wife has said to me so Katie take this as good advice and don’t worry about it so much just enjoy crossdressing and one lucky evening you will have that nice long open chat it will inevitably happen.

I get times I want to talk to my wife about crossdressing and bottle it even though she knows.

I find it particularly hard if I see a bargain when we’re out shopping instead of saying I’d like to wear that or try that on or buy something I bite my tongue and miss out but would love to one day be able to go shopping and to be able to say “Wow I’d love to wear that” or “I’d like to buy this skirt or these heels or those fashon tights”.. (Happened this weekend in fact ) but usually have the kids with us so dont say a thing..

Would be nice to one day go shopping with my wife knowing its with the intention of both of us looking to buy something fem.. Maybe we’ll get to do this one day although I’d be in male mode.

Katie my Wifes said to me a few times “I dont know what to say.. I dont know what you want me to say… You worry too much about crossdressing I’m fine with it .. It’s just something you do so get on with it or stop doing it!”

You are going through what I’ve been through wanting to give that reassurance to your wife and partly wanting her so be part of it I bet.

D

Thanks Davina. I've also heard the phrases “I dont know what to say.. I dont know what you want me to say.. It’s just something you do”

Maybe I should just take them at face value instead of worrying too much. It's just that there's always this nagging doubt. It's just keeping it all hidden somehow feels deceitful now.

Katie

I know how that feels too

After seeing my wife burst into tears when I told her then having set several rules such as if I have to dress it has to remain a secret from her, to if I must dress she wanted to know so she didn't walk in on me, etc all making it feel deceitful but it's much better having my wife know I dress and being ok with it but the feeling is sometimes still there.

For example I worked from home one day last week and it was the first time I thought sod this I've worked hours and hours and put off dressing I'm getting dressed..

So enjoyable dressing after a period of time of stress and not dressing did my makeup the new Rimmel foundation my wife bought for me is good and I looked fab and felt fab and sexy as "Davina" but I changed back at 12:30 knowing my wife was home for lunch at 13:00 thinking she doesn't want to see me like this and also I have at some point to get back into male mode to pick the kids up from school at 1515 so I got changed back.. silly really as she's ok seeing me dressed but goes to show the weird feelings of letting your wife down is still there.. I need a girls night in with her and have fun with makeup and trying things on together..

Interesting chat, I guess we wives do flip around with how we feel, don't we. Thing is, it's actually true that one week your wife could be completely fine and not care and the next she thinks it's freaky so keep it away. Why must we stick with one viewpoint? Crossdressing isn't something we usually want in our lives, so if we cope by dealing with it as it happens and not thinking about it otherwise, I think that's all we can do.

Maybe men just deal with these things differently?

I read something once, a research statistic, that the majority of wives will stay married to a crossdresser but will not actively support it, but rather tolerate it. Therefore, hoping for approval and participation, and trying to get that with talking or whatever, is likely to fail. Iknow it's possible to turn a blind eye as they say, to the odd quirks of my husband because I love him. But indulging those quirks with him...I don't understand this at all. I think women don't enjoy doing that so again, maybe men think differently about these things?

I think learning to feel okay about being a crossdresser without the input of a spouse is the only option. Counsellors, other crossdressers - these people will understand on a helpful level. All a wife can do is learn to look away, and when she can and she's having a good week, maybe she can tolerate a bit more. Maybe one of those girl nights Davina talks about.

But remember, your wives are acting this way out of love. All the rationalisations and knowledge in the world can't remove the reality that in this time and place, in our current lives, crosdressing is weird. Yet, they're still with you, showing love and affection. I say, leave it alone. If you want to suggest a girls night or whatever, then do that. But don't coerce and don't turn it into personal rejection if she declines. It just means the weird factor wins out. And so what? I wouldn't want to do a Star Trek night either. Talk about very weird lol.

As that character from Frozen would say:

'Let it go.'

At first i was scare repulsed worried thinking that's the end of my relationship it's weird and I cant picture a time when i'd be ok with my other half dressed as a woman.

Then I came here Davinas wife added some thoughts and messaged me on here and it opened curiosity in me to read Davinas advice page initially which made me feel ok I'm still a little freaked but most of that makes sense and I can see this from a slightly different perspective then I read Davinas personal blog and found it honest, humerous in parts maybe being that woman who is ok Davina crossdressing but not my other half.

However It woke something up in me which I've stated many times and I started to make more of an effort for myself to dress nice, put on makeup, a change of hair style and I found that I like flattery on how the change in my appearance was welcomed and I thought deeper is this why he dresses it makes him feel different as it did for me.

We took the plunge we had a girls night in we did the makeup and dressing and it was fun oh and lots of wine and I've discovered I accept this is something he does and we have a good balanced relationship in general but I think him being a crossdresser has opened even more trust between us and I like him when he's her not that he is much different but I've also noticed when I think he needs to unwind and said why don't you get dressed I'll draw the curtains and unwind or lets have a girls night Friday night and chill and a date night Saturday night.

I'm over the initial freak out and into a good place where I accept his crossdressing, don't see it as a threat to our relationship and we're quite open about discussing it.

I cannot be here alone in this acceptance and yet to have a wobble about it but hes great about it too doesn't force anything on me with dressing.

When Davina says it's fun I really do get it (I think)

Em x

PS Davinas wife come back and chat here!!! We miss you!

Em x

Em you're not the only wife who is accepting so don't worry. There are plenty of books and articles written by accepting spouses if you need any evidence.

Katie

Em, of course you're not the only wife who accepts. I don't know whether they'll be reading here though as I'm sure they feel little need to chat about it. Remember, you came here when you were shocked and hurt and have grown to acceptance. That's awesome for you both, but the others are probably not reading here, that's all.

I guess that in life anything can build up to a point where you need to flip out and hit the reset button. Whether that is leaving the loo seat up or something far more serious!

I do think that the difficulty with crossdressing is quite often there is nobody else to talk to who will give you that sympathetic shoulder to cry on.

Maybe this little community is a good place for that so at least we can put our frustrations down in a post and either get the reality check or the consolation we need!

It's always good to hear about other people's experiences as it helps to develop a better understanding. It means that if we face a situation then we are better prepared and can be a little more dispassionate. Crossdressing is very emotional for both parties as chatting here proves.

Katie

I was thinking about my own comment 'would I rather not know' and it lead me to ponder the regrets that can come from all this. I know I have some and I often wonder if my husband does.

Deep down, I have regrets that I'll never truly be okay with a crossdressing husband. It makes me sad to acknowledge this as anyone else would have my full support. Go figure. I also regret marrying a crossdresser. That one hurts, I know, but it's the honest truth and if I ever found myself single again, I'd try very hard to avoid this situation. I also regret involving myself in the early days to a point where it has damaged the relationship we once had. I lost some respect I guess, in him, and myself, and I stopped seeing us the same. Time has healed much of it but it's true that things can't be unseen or undone. Part of being in a long term relationship is to take the warts and all, I know this, but I still pine for that simpler relationship before crossdressing entered the picture. We're okay, otherwise, and have a great life and amazing kids together and I wouldn't change that for anything. Hindsight is pointless, but I guess that's where regrets come from.

My husband's regrets? I think he might regret telling me as he sees it's affected how we are. I can't even find the words to describe it properly, but perhaps a little bit of the 'magic' died when he told me. I also wonder if he regrets marrying a woman who doesn't like it, and whether he'd dress more or maybe have a more public crossdressing life? He mostly dresses for fun, sex and stress relief so not really sure he needs more and he insists he doesn't, but I do still wonder. I guess most wives wonder if their husband needs more than she can offer.

To everyone else here, what, if any, are your regrets in regards to the crossdressing situation in your life?

I think that having a regret means that somehow you have control over a situation. I didn't grow up wanting to be a crossdresser, it's just the way I was born. I wish it had been different but then nobody is perfect and of all the flaws I could have this isn't that bad in the scheme of things.

It would have been easier of my wife hadn't found out for both of us. My life was a little simpler then but now I'm probably a more tolerant person for having looked at things from a different perspective. So I cannot regret something that has probably made me a better person.

When we married it was for better or worse. We've stuck together and have good life. When I see the difficulties some people have I count myself lucky. I've seen my sisters marriage fall a part through alcohol and gambling and the scares that it leaves are deep. She stuck at it until her children were old enough but had a miserable life during that time.

I think marriages change over time. Early on they are exciting and full of 'magic'. Then you settle down, have kids and the whole dynamic changes. It is no longer just about you but the children. At the moment they dominate our lives with little time for each other. Maybe once the kids have left home things will change a gain. And finally retirement. We have so many plans for the future that crossdressing is only a footnote.

I don't know. Maybe it will change in the future but at the moment I have no regrets about how my life has gone. We can all have dreams but when you put things into perspective there is always somebody else worse off.

Katie

My wifes gone through the rather not know but I think it's better being out in the open than hidden we all have regrets I think crossdressers regrets are more to do with I wish we knew now what we knew when we were younger and things like the 8 years between telling my wife and her meeting me dressed and also should I have told a white lie and said she got me into crossdressing...

I doubt my wife will ever truly be okay with a crossdressing husband either maybe its something generations to come may better accept.

My wife would also say anyone apart from her husband (me) would have her full support.

Why do you regret marrying a crossdresser as I bet there are positive traits you dont realise?

Crossdressing is occasional a few times per year its not a threat...

I categorically do not regret telling my wife as there are worse things to tell your spouse..

He will not regret marrying a woman who isn't into crossdressing as a woman who is into it will be rare its not something we even consider in a spouse or when dating or marrying....

Would I dress more? I've not dressed for ages stress is that high in work even crossdressing isn't the answer as ive had opportunities but haven't done it despite urges to do so as just to darn busy.

Would I be out in public or to t girl events - well following discussing this with my wife I haven't even dressed let alone thought much about going out dressed. But maybe if I wasn't attached I'd have tried the going out thing by now who knows.

Dressing is for fun, sex would be nice if my wife would do it with me as Davina but no hope there and stress relief is very correct...

Davina

1) A high degree of empathy for women and stated belief that they are the superior sex.

2) An unusual degree of interest in female fashion/makeup/lifestyle.

3) A preference for female company.

4) Unusual care and attention to personal grooming.

These were in an article to help women figure out if their husbands were 'secret transvestites' - along with ways to spy on y'all from the computer lol. Anyway, I found it rather eye-opening as I would honestly say my husband has all four traits and I would also suggest, from what has been written here, that so do Davina and Katie and some others here.

Which got me thinking about this reluctance to acknowledge that who you are as a man, and some of what you do in your 'male' lives, is directly affected by your need to crossdress. Davina is utterly convinced that his body shaving is a purely cosmetic need like other non crossdressing men. This article, however, shows that crossdressers in general have a thing for personal grooming. I honestly don't know that many other men who are as obsessively well groomed as my husband! And most, even the young ones, tend to leave their body hair alone if they're not super hairy.

My husband is also definitely happier around women, he has always been a little envious of the freedom for expression we girls apparently have (though I have male friends who are equally expressive) and has alway insisted on how awesome the female members of his family are compared to some key male members. So I found this article extra fascinating as it made me realize that crossdressing might actually be a 'type' of man, rather than the random occurrence we assume it is. Or, does crossdressing make a man into a certain type of person, who otherwise might have joined the ranks of all the other men and not given a shit about his grooming?

What do you guys think? Did crossdressing lead to these behavioral traits? Or do these behavioral traits lead to crossdressing?

Also, I'll note here that the other male group equally obsessed with personal grooming are gay males. Hmmm...so while you're not gay (in so far as you don't like men, though you do have a penchant for pseudo lesbian scenarios!) this does make me wonder whether you don't have more in common with the brain wiring of gay men than you do with straight men and women. Let's face it - most men give up the grooming after the marriage vows are said, and the average female usually lasts until the first kid arrives and then we can't wait to wear our comfy pants and let it all hang out lol. (Emma, enjoy these kidfree glam days - it's a lot harder once the rugrats arrive lol.)

Anyway, thought it was interesting.

I'm not convinced that you can spot a crossdresser by the way he behaves. From reading on other forums it appears that a high percentage of crossdressers actually follow 'macho' careers such as the armed forces or participate in male sports. Whether this is a means to repress their 'feminine' side or an actual choice I don't know. I played football because I enjoyed it- still do. It wasn't meant as a shield to hide my crossdressing.

We do become very good at hiding any signs of our crossdressing. Years of repression. My wife said that I was the last person she thought would be a crossdressers!

I don't believe either sex is superior. I want us all to be equal. There are many 'feminine' traits that I admire but equally men and women can display these traits.

What's an unusual interest in female fashion/makeup/lifestyle? I appreciate women who are dressed well but then don't all men? Yes I understand about different styles, cuts, deniers etc but that is more to do with finding out what suits me and so is a result of my crossdressing. I'm not cutting edge lol.

I don't think I have a preference for female company. Happily go down the pub with my mates. I think that I have a preference for a certain the of company (male or female) that more closely aligns to my beliefs and interests. I think they'd be other male and female company that would be purgatory!

Grooming. I like to be clean. I hate dirty nails, mucky hand, greasy hair but that's normal isn't it? I don't like bodily hair. It seems dirty or at least looks dirty especially when wet, the way it clings to the body- yuck. I'd sooner be smooth than have odd hair sprouting up in the wrong places. Youthful men tend to be less hairy than older men. I never had hair on my back when I was younger but nowI I hate it. Is that wrong?

So I don't think that there are tell tale signs by behaviour. As I said we hide it well. The best way to find out is check you own wardrobe (clothes out of place or look to have been worn or stretched), the loft and any other private places for his 'stash'. Failing that ask. He'd probably come clean.

Katie

Oh don't get me wrong - no one else would notice these traits in my husband like I do. He's actually quite difficult to get to know and definitely not warm and effeminate around others lol. And yep, he was also a typical football obsessed boy etc.

BUT, the traits that are noticed on a more personal level ARE there and I would actually love to ask this question of Mrs Katie now she knows you're a crossdresser. I wonder if she'd read the list in a sort of 'aha' way.

But I do also believe and agree that crossdressing is a masculine driven behavior (hence the comparison to the gay male brain) and so I'm not even vaguely surprised if many are found in über masculine lifestyles. Despite how much the minority love to insist this is all about the 'girl within', I'm more in the camp that this is the 'boy within' finding a convenient way to get the 'girl'. Very convenient lol.

I just think that when you're looking for something you can find it.

Is you husband having an affair? The eleven tell tale signs

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/a1586/11-signs-that-he-might-be-having-an-affair-107288/ .

Don't panic! He's no, he's a crossdresser!

Katie

PS I definitely don't fit any of the sexual behaviours!

I try to ensure that Mrs Katie sees no difference between me pre and post confession.

I think I'm the same person. I still care about my kids. I still believe in equal rights. I don't show any interest in women's fashion etc unless asked (do you think that this suits me? or she looks nice). I don't have a preference for female company and my personal grooming hasn't changed.

I try to keep my crossdressing out of view in public and to Mrs Katie. I'm the same man that she married. She hasn't wanted to be involved and so I've kept it out the marriage. The less reminders I'm a crossdresser the better and that will be the case until she says any different.

I've tried communication but it doesn't work so until she says otherwise crossdressing is off the agenda.

Katie

1) A high degree of empathy for women and stated belief that they are the superior sex.
I have empathy for women, respect and I’d call myself a well brought up gentleman in regard to women and sometimes bravado requires that I act sexist but only I jest nothing serious just a little healthy wind up and a bit of fun until I come across a rank feminist when my equality hat comes out to remind people we’re all equal and should be treated so neither sex is superior.

2) An unusual degree of interest in female fashion/makeup/lifestyle.
Agree I love certain womens clothing and a certain type of image. I like to see a woman in a dress, nice makeup, looking like shes made an effort, tights / stockings and heels, equally I like to see a woman in lycra lol gym wear though don’t go for this look myself when I crossdress.
3) A preference for female company.
I prefer to be out with couples but as my wifes also my best friend I suppose you could say a preference for female company but as stated if I had option of a lads night out, a girls night out or couples id go for couples.

4) Unusual care and attention to personal grooming.
This has nothing to do with crossdressing and all to do with making an effort to look good.

SO I SAY “poppycock” the article is incorrect and could equally be describing any modern man.

My body shaving is purely cosmetic and a feeling of being clean and less sweaty as opposed to hairy and sweaty and has nothing to do with crossdressing although it helps to shave to be a crossdresser but if I wasnt a crossdresser id still shave my body hair is minging on your body.

Maybe crossdressing does make a man into a certain type of person who knows but I’m too much of a free thinking individual to think it has that much of an aspect on my character.

Did crossdressing lead to these behavioral traits? NO
Or do these behavioral traits lead to crossdressing? NO

I have nothing in common with a Gay man and a Gay man would say the same about me or about crossdressers. You may find Gay men hairier than straight men these days?
If men give up the grooming after the marriage vows are said then they are lazy and and that goes for women who give up the grooming too even more so if the man continues to groom and try to look his best and his wife doesnt bother as can lead to resentment ie why doesnt she make an effort for me or for herself or why does she make the effort for a night out with her friends but not with me.

Davina