Oh don't get me wrong - no one else would notice these traits in my husband like I do. He's actually quite difficult to get to know and definitely not warm and effeminate around others lol. And yep, he was also a typical football obsessed boy etc.

BUT, the traits that are noticed on a more personal level ARE there and I would actually love to ask this question of Mrs Katie now she knows you're a crossdresser. I wonder if she'd read the list in a sort of 'aha' way.

But I do also believe and agree that crossdressing is a masculine driven behavior (hence the comparison to the gay male brain) and so I'm not even vaguely surprised if many are found in über masculine lifestyles. Despite how much the minority love to insist this is all about the 'girl within', I'm more in the camp that this is the 'boy within' finding a convenient way to get the 'girl'. Very convenient lol.

I just think that when you're looking for something you can find it.

Is you husband having an affair? The eleven tell tale signs

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/a1586/11-signs-that-he-might-be-having-an-affair-107288/ .

Don't panic! He's no, he's a crossdresser!

Katie

PS I definitely don't fit any of the sexual behaviours!

I try to ensure that Mrs Katie sees no difference between me pre and post confession.

I think I'm the same person. I still care about my kids. I still believe in equal rights. I don't show any interest in women's fashion etc unless asked (do you think that this suits me? or she looks nice). I don't have a preference for female company and my personal grooming hasn't changed.

I try to keep my crossdressing out of view in public and to Mrs Katie. I'm the same man that she married. She hasn't wanted to be involved and so I've kept it out the marriage. The less reminders I'm a crossdresser the better and that will be the case until she says any different.

I've tried communication but it doesn't work so until she says otherwise crossdressing is off the agenda.

Katie

1) A high degree of empathy for women and stated belief that they are the superior sex.
I have empathy for women, respect and I’d call myself a well brought up gentleman in regard to women and sometimes bravado requires that I act sexist but only I jest nothing serious just a little healthy wind up and a bit of fun until I come across a rank feminist when my equality hat comes out to remind people we’re all equal and should be treated so neither sex is superior.

2) An unusual degree of interest in female fashion/makeup/lifestyle.
Agree I love certain womens clothing and a certain type of image. I like to see a woman in a dress, nice makeup, looking like shes made an effort, tights / stockings and heels, equally I like to see a woman in lycra lol gym wear though don’t go for this look myself when I crossdress.
3) A preference for female company.
I prefer to be out with couples but as my wifes also my best friend I suppose you could say a preference for female company but as stated if I had option of a lads night out, a girls night out or couples id go for couples.

4) Unusual care and attention to personal grooming.
This has nothing to do with crossdressing and all to do with making an effort to look good.

SO I SAY “poppycock” the article is incorrect and could equally be describing any modern man.

My body shaving is purely cosmetic and a feeling of being clean and less sweaty as opposed to hairy and sweaty and has nothing to do with crossdressing although it helps to shave to be a crossdresser but if I wasnt a crossdresser id still shave my body hair is minging on your body.

Maybe crossdressing does make a man into a certain type of person who knows but I’m too much of a free thinking individual to think it has that much of an aspect on my character.

Did crossdressing lead to these behavioral traits? NO
Or do these behavioral traits lead to crossdressing? NO

I have nothing in common with a Gay man and a Gay man would say the same about me or about crossdressers. You may find Gay men hairier than straight men these days?
If men give up the grooming after the marriage vows are said then they are lazy and and that goes for women who give up the grooming too even more so if the man continues to groom and try to look his best and his wife doesnt bother as can lead to resentment ie why doesnt she make an effort for me or for herself or why does she make the effort for a night out with her friends but not with me.

Davina

Let's put our heads together a forge a blue print for a workable relationship with a crossdresser.

For wives and partners you are stuck with the fact that the man in your life needs to crossdress. You face to options. You can walk away or you make it work for you.

Assuming you take the second option what would make the relationship work for you?

Maybe some rules to live by? Something we can graduate from tolerance to acceptance to participation. Each rule is a step along that path. Where you decide to stop dictate where you feel comfortable. That maybe at the very start DADT or maybe somewhere else down the line.

They also don't all need to be about the crossdresser. I think it's important that my wife is treated as the most important woman in my life. I pay her compliments, not because I have to but because I want to. I tell her I love her and that I appreciate everything she does for the family. That she's a great mum and wife. I don't leave any outward signs around that I have dressed. I try to be the man in her life, the one she married, her protector and rock. I try to be the best husband and father I can. It may all seem obvious but in a lot of things I've read quite often the wife will take a back seat and grin and bear it. The relationship needs to work for everyone.

Anyway I'm sure that there are many other things that our wives and partners need and who knows I maybe miles off the mark. So ladies give us some feedback.

What you like and what you don't. What you can live with and what you can't.

Katie

There's a lot in here for me to catch up with. I'll have a read tonight.

I enjoy Sindys point of view and agree with lots of it but Crossdressing has had a positive effect on me as a wife and on our relationship and I'll try to add some bullet points of good and bad acceptable and unacceptable below from my perspective in terms of my relationship . I expect even with this there will not be one answer we're all happy with as things I'm ok with I know Sindy wont be ok with.

Ok So my other half Crossdresses.

There would be some instances I would walk away below:

- He's cheated on me
- He's admitted he's Gay (Or Bisexual)
- He's a pervert with his crossdressing.
- He wants to be a woman.
- He wants to dress as a woman all the time.

So my other half is none of these so we're onto making it work.

Ok he crossdresses, but do I want to see him dressed do I want any part of this?

What is it he does when he's crossdressed?

How does he look when he's crossdressed? and how does he dress?

What are his reasons for Crossdressing?

Does anyone else know?

What if people find out?

How does this affect our relationship?

How do I feel about myself?

So what I accept

- I accept it's something he's done for a long time
- I accept he finds it a fun thing to do
- I accept its some form of stress release
- I accept he finds it a bit of a turn on
- I accept he wants sex with me dressed (Its fun and I don't feel lesbian at all its my husband)
- I accept he gets himself off
- I accept him dressing fully with makeup, wig, fake boobs the lot as I would prefer him to look convincing rather than just find him in a dress with a beard (Sorry Katie)
- I accept it's made me think more about my appearance and my own self image and I have made a change for the positive
- I accept its a secret between the two of us
- I accept and actually enjoy a girls night in with him given we have plenty of opportunity for husband and wife time
- I have to accept him being outside the house dressed as I made him come out in the car with me
- I expect him to tell me the truth about everything to do with his dressing including him admitting he wore him mums, sister and anyones clothes he could find time to try on when he was younger
- I expect him to be honest
- I accept he may want to renegotiate our terms

Is this the sort of thing you're looking for Katie

I'm sure some wives will tick parts and not others

Em xxxx

Apology accepted. Stubble part is only home alone and means I can still present as a 'macho' male when not crossdressed.

Katie

Thanks Em.

Couple of questions. If he wanted to tell other people would that be acceptable? If he wanted to go out alone would that be acceptable? You said opportunity for husband and wife time - how much?

What do you get out of the relationship?

Katie

If he wanted to tell other people would that be acceptable?

Only if he discussed it with me and we made a joint decision to tell a trusted friend or family member. I don't think I'd be very happy if he just outed himself in an uncontrolled way without talking to me first.

If he wanted to go out alone would that be acceptable?

I'm not sure why he'd want to go out alone and not sure it's something he'd want to do. I dragged him out in the car he did say he enjoyed it but was very nervous and afraid of us being seen.

If he wanted to go out I'd probably go with him so I don't see why he'd need to go alone.

You said opportunity for husband and wife time - how much?

We spend 95% as husband and wife and will admit since I've come to terms with his crossdressing he probably does it a bit more and sometimes I will notice he's a bit stressed and will say why don't you draw the curtains and get dressed up and relax. I like his company both as my husband and when he's crossdressed. He's the same person but somehow more relaxed less macho then dressed and I like him as her from time to time but wouldn't like that all the time.

What do you get out of the relationship?

A happy healthy husband and also it's revitalised me making more of an effort to look my best so have seen it as a bit of a kick in the backside and healthy competition to look nice as a woman.

Em xxxx

Thanks Em.

Sorry for all the questions. When I said going out alone I meant meeting other CDs at an event. Would you feel happy going along?

If it was just a shopping trip or a meal out how would you feel?

I'm just trying to gauge how far down the line you'd go. There are CDs who live pretty well full time as women and as you said that'd be a no.

Others are happy to go to event whilst other it's a case of not in my backyard.

At different points the dynamics of the relationship change so it's really looking at those tipping points. It's going to be different for every person but at some point the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

I'm juts conscious that as a wife you've had something thrust upon you that you weren't expecting or even wanting. You've made positive steps but there are still limits which I think is right.

I think sometimes it is all take as a crossdresser and I wanted to see where we can give a little. Make compromises. I'd like to wax my body but if it made my wife feel uneasy then I wouldn't. I can cope being hairy as long as I can dress. It's those sort of compromises that I'm looking at.

You said you like his company when he's dressed. That's a positive. His dressing has made you reappraise yourself which has also had positive consequences.

I read the article Sindy put a link up for and although some of it was a bit cringe she did make some observations. I know my wife is not the sort of woman she described at the end. My wife is an independent lady and quite capable of making her own decisions. She can support herself and the kids if necessary so I'm not around for financial reasons!

It was just that some of the women looked to being doing it through gritted teeth. I'd hate to think that I was dragging my wife along doing something she hates just to appear to be supportive not that that is the case.

I want my marriage to be an equal partnership. We don't do things together that we don't want to do. She goes to gigs with her friends (unless it's a band I like) and I'll go to cricket with my mates. We don't make each other do the things the other person doesn't want to do.

You've obviously got your balance right. i can tell from you posts that it's working for you which is why it's helpful if you can give guidance to other wives and partners about why it works for you.

Sorry to waffle, this is going to be a long thread!

Katie

Great thread!

I like everything Em has said, with a few additions as I'm coming at this after years and I actually started out like Em and eventually dialled it all back A LOT. So yep, renegotiation is key, not just for the crossdresser.


So questions for the men:

Will you be able to tone down the dressing and even keep it out of sight if suddenly your supportive wife no longer wants involvement?

Will you keep this private from the children? Few women like the idea of the kids knowing, so this is a HUGE issue.

It boils down to trust. Can we trust you to be husband and father first and above all else, and keep cross dressing separate and private?

The other questions Em mentioned, and Katie, about going out are subjective for each couple but I'd say a majority of wives do dabble a little with their husbands, but as Katie mentioned, the gritted teeth will often set in so I personally think maybe don't start anything you're very likely going to need to stop. Men get a bit enthusiastic about having a 'partner in crime' finally, but as you change, so do we. It's a lot less fun to indulge crossdressing when you're juggling kids and jobs and resentment can set in.

So that's the big warning for both sides, isn't it? People can change over time, and a crossdresser may want to dress more or less or push a few boundaries, while a wife may join in for a few years and then decide she's had enough. How will everyone navigate this?

Personally, I reached beyond the gritted teeth and I had to ask my husband to remove it from our life completely - I still don't really know why it grew more annoying over time but I suspect parenthood and a desire to move on from our youthful relationship was part of it. I'm sure it's not just cross dressing that wives eventually tire of their men indulging. I think it was you, Katie, who said much of the activities men do could be deemed childish and obsessive and we're in good company there lol. So I guess this is just renegotiating the relationship the same as any couple, yes?

EXCEPT - the big 'if' is whether a man who crossdresses (I actually really hate calling y'all crossdressers as though that's all you are) can dial back the dressing if his wife decides she's had enough. And I don't mean wear less outfits or whatever, but dress without her. Go it alone, so to speak.

Hmmmm...I think I'm rambling. I liked Emma's clear post much better. Emma, I think you need to draft out the final copy of this cross dressing bible lol.

A few years back I did some coasteering in Wales. I was with a group of lads a good 20+ years younger than me. We climbed up an outcrop and started jumping in. Each time we jumped in we moved up higher. The higher we got the more the adrenaline started pumping until I reached a point where I could no longer jump. Fear had overridden the adrenaline. I took a step back down, just a few feet but I was comfortable to jump again.

I guess that we will all push the boundaries but we must realise when we have taken a step too far. If either person feels uncomfortable then we should respect each other and take that step back.

I was mature enough to realise that I had reached my limit and I guess that that only comes with experience and responsibility. A 20 year old bloke doesn't have the same concerns as a 48 year old man with a wife, family and business.

So I'm taking on Sindy's point that although we may have reached a certain point it doesn't mean that we shouldn't take a step back if anybody gets the wobbles. It doesn't mean it won't move forward again in the future, it's just that we've reached a point that everyone feels comfortable. I think that that is a good compromise and nobody should forced to take that next step until they are ready, if ever!

I'll add on other analogy. I did 'Go Ape' a little while ago. The first jump was really scary but having achieved it the nerves were calmed. Slowly as you move around the course the height increases and difficulty increases. Some people still dropped out but by the end you cannot understand why you were so nervous about the first step. As your confidence grows you feel that you can achieve more and more and what seemed like a huge problem at the start now becomes insignificant.

It's just finding the right level that suits everyone. If you need to go forward on your own then make sure you do it with your partners blessing.

Katie

I think to make this work at first is the tricky part I mean if your Boyfriend or Finance tells you before you get married you may run a mile and if you're married you may run a mile or at least think or say why didn't you tell me this before we got married?

But once over the initial shock we need the truth ie do you want a sexy change and most don't so that's the initial relief, are you Gay no this needs to be honest as to be honest with you reading that Sarah T girl and his/her wife had a mutual split and reading all about it on here then reading Sarah going out to a tgirl event and having sex with another T girl put all the horrible thoughts back in my head about my husband like does he want to have sex with other men dressed as women.

He's told me he doesn't and I believe him but like I said to make this work it all needs to be out in the open honest although I do appreciate it is very hard to talk about I clam up he clams up so sometimes we write it down and I know you might say you're adults talk its weird for me to talk about, I don't know what to say he wants to say things but won't say them to we find if we have something to say as Davina has said n the help and advice you can write it down and pass the note then its done its out there and you can talk or write back and this works both ways.

Reaching a place of agreement is the place to get to and setting up an agreement.

He will dress when home alone, or when away with work in a hotel and we have tried the girls night in which was ok and I think I'm a bit like Davinas wife I've accepted it but get the impression that she doesn't really want much to do with it just accepts its something our husbands do but as she isn't adding her thoughts all we hear is Davinas thoughts which sorry Davina but it will be one sided. It would be nice to hear from your wife again, I know Emma has written on her guestbook.

Could you ask her to contribute again or are you having a crisis of confidence about your dressing again? sorry being nosey but it's your blog.

So to sum up finding a balanced agreement is the way to go or what to get to but its not easy and you will still harbour doubts.

Rebecca (Wife)

I know exactly what you mean about being difficult to talk about. You may have seen my previous posts about not talking. It's so hard to try and find the right moment. If my wife is happy I don't want to bring her down. If she's not in the mood then I don't want to upset her even more. It never seems the right time so maybe a text conversation might work.

You're right that once it's out in the open the conversation (if any) needs to be truthful.

I think that the wife / partner needs to be in the driving seat, if it's the crossdresser then it'll be foot on the accelerator and fast forward!

I do believe it's a matter of finding a level that you're happy with.

The only proviso that I make is that the crossdresser has had a life of withholding this secret. It is difficult for us to have lived with this guilt and shame for so long that to be rejected by our wife / partner is very hard to take. Very often we keep it a secret to protect you from this guilt and shame. I know that once you are party to this secret you will also bear this burden.

Sometimes we need a little love and understanding so if you can open your heart and accept us it would mean so much.

It's really getting this balance right so that everyone feels comfortable is important to the future if the relationship.

Katie

It's intriguing to me why the need for sharing and acceptance suddenly arises? Many of us were married years before finding out, and before that y'all were dressing in secret when living with roommates and siblings etc and never felt the need to tell any of them. I don't really understand what changes and why the sudden need to reveal and gain acceptance?

Clearly, the best way to get that is to have relationships with women who know from the start. But for everyone else, why didn't you just take it to the grave?

I guess I wonder sometimes if I'd have rather not known. I mean, I know my husbands CIA training means he has the capacity to hide it forever lol. He was perfectly capable of going it alone around his parents and friends. And if he'd wanted a wife who accepted it he really should have discussed his motives and interests more clearly from the very start. So part of me is a bit annoyed that he chose me to off load this onto as I don't enjoy carrying it around. He might feel he's shared all of himself with me, whereas I would have happily not known about it and certainly not felt like I was missing out on anything! Instead now I feel like I'm missing out on a relationship without secrets and baggage and that yin/yang everyone speaks of here. Would I rather have not known, making this entire discussion obsolete? Honestly, if it was guaranteed that he wouldn't slip up somewhere and I find out even later, then I do think I'd rather not know.

Just a thought. Not sure there's a point to this. But sometimes it does seem women and crossdressers are a match made in hell lol.

I don't know if I'd have shared. At the time my wife found out I had no intention of telling her so as far as I know it would have gone to the grave.

Was that being dishonest? I don't know. I'm sure she has things that she doesn't tell me because she know it will upset or hurt me.

Crossdressing was my shame and guilt and I didn't intend sharing it.

I do, however, know that since she found out I spent a lot of time reading about crossdressing and belonging to forums and I think that maybe there is quite a bit of peer pressure to confess and explore our 'femininity'. So that maybe the trigger for telling.

Just a thought.

Katie

Another good thread nice to know I can leave the blog in safe hands when work is on top of me and I don't have time or energy to log in

Well done all keep it going

Davina x

It's intriguing why the need for sharing and acceptance suddenly arises?

Its different family don't need to know we feel a wife needs to know we crossdress and that's that. Its a love and trust thing and the urge to share everything.

I could have taken it to the grave but that's very dishonest isn't it? do you hide things from your husband? how does that make you feel if you do? my wife hid something from me which hurt me deeply when I found out so I think sharing problems and hitting them early is the best option.. the thing with crossdressing is its a bit away from the norm and we worry how you'll react to it being admitted.

Davina

I like everything Em has said too and yes Mrs Davna needs to get back on here but shes not really interested in the blog.

Will I be able to tone down the dressing and even keep it out of sight if suddenly your supportive wife no longer wants involvement?

Yes as luckily I can dress in a hotel when away with work as an outlet.

Will you keep this private from the children?

Definitely as no need for them to know

Can we trust you to be husband and father first and above all else, and keep cross dressing separate and private?

Easily as crossdressing only happens 10-15 times at most per year its important but limited important in terms of the fun and stress release aspect but irrelevant next to being a Dad and husband.

I think if I asked my wif whats more annoying the crossdressing or the fact I cant switch off from work shed say the latter and probably tell me to crossdress and unwind

I don't mind being refered to as a crossdresser Sindy you can call me Superman or Action man if you like but we are crossdressers in this blog so crack on with the cd term doesn't bother me.

Davina

I think I would go along to a tg event yes

kinda done the shopping trip I put him in the car dressed and drove to get wine remember but no not to a shopping centre or restaurant

he isn't going doesn't want to live full time as a woman that's a no

yes not in my back yard applies BNO in MK is far enough away

I'd say if you want to wax then wax its your body

I do like his company dressed yes its different its nice hes more relaxed less macho and I have reappraised myself and make more effort and have enjoyed the compliments

I'm also independent and can make my own decisions and can think for myself and assess things such as crossdressing and my assessment is he does it for fun and escapism as Davina describes and I'm fine with it.

we do everything together neither particularly likes going out on boys nights or girls night (we like our girls night) and would rather go out as a couple or with couples.

I can give guidance but it can only be the same as Davinas wifes advice from our point of view (I wish Davinas wife would come back here as we've not heard from her for ages)

If a feminist finds a 'genuine' crossdresser insulting then I don't think they can be classed as a feminist.

Feminism is not about holding onto 'female rights' and taking more 'male rights' it's about equal rights. If a woman only considers wearing a dress, heels, makeup etc as a female right then she cannot be a feminist.

Both sexes can be a feminist. The alternative is that you are a sexist. To me it's a binary choice, you either believe that everyone is equal or you believe that one sex is superior to the other.

I can understand that in a patriarchal society that women might feel insulted that men want to 'steal' there clothes. A case of having your cake and eat it but as a crossdresser I feel that there is nothing further from the truth.

I wear 'women's' clothes because I love them. I like their texture l and how they look. I love the colours and variety. I love the way they make me feel. I love to browse women's clothes online, walking into the women's department fills me with excitement about all the beautiful things. I'm sure that many women feel that same but equally there are plenty who that would do nothing for at all. To me crossdressing is nothing to do with being a woman. It is only society that classes us as 'women' if we decide to wear 'women's' clothes. I am not a woman, I just prefer feminine clothes.

But should society even allow our genitalia determine what we can wear? Should it determine what jobs we can do, how much we are paid, what toys we play with as children? Should it determine what games or sports we play?

A boy that wants to do ballet or play with dolls = gay, sissy, a fairy.
A girl who wants to play rugby or play with guns = lesbian, tom boy, unfeminine.
A man who wants to wear a dress = gay, sissy, fairy, transexual.

Society determines at birth what your sex and gender is and you have to conform throughout life to this strict code or you are an outsider. But how do you defines what being a woman is? Is it chromosomes, genitalia, the ability to have children? People are born with undetermined sex. Plenty of women can't have children. Does that make them less of a woman? Is it the whole package? In which case is a butch, rugby playing woman who can't have children less of a woman than a feminine, caring mother? Or is being a woman just a deep down feeling of belonging?

To me we are all individuals with individual needs. 99% of the time I fit into society's definition of a man. Whether I feel that same as the next man I don't know. I may even share more feelings with women than men - I don't know. I worry about my kids and love them deeply, I cry at sad or inspiring films, I dress to feel feminine at times and at others just to fit in to the male stereo type because it's practical and comfortable. Some of those are 'feminine' or 'womanly' qualities assigned by society but they probably apply to a great deal of men. Are they less of men for having them or are they just expressing how they feel?

Walking around Sainsbury's on Saturday I noticed that most people just dress to fit in. It's all pretty androgynous and bland. I'm sure that there were women there who love to dress up to the nines in dresses,heels, makeup and some that would hate it. In fact they'd feel uncomfortable doing it. Life is about being fluid and not being confined into one box.

Don't define and segregate on sex or gender. Treat everyone as individuals and allow them the freedom to express themselves in the way they want. Just because it doesn't fit into society's tight boundaries doesn't make them wrong or perverted. Live and let live an accept people for they way they are, as long as they are doing you no physical harm then what is the problem?

I will, however, add a proviso about men wearing dresses when I feel that it is not only insulting to women but to crossdressers. I'm talking about drag. More specifically about the stag nights when the groom is put in a dress to humiliate him. Why is it seen that wearing a dress should be humiliating unless you consider women to be inferior. The same goes for drag on TV. I watched a bit of a dance thing on BBC and I think that on 3 occasions one of them frocked up for laughs. Why do people laugh at a men in a dresses?

Maybe I'm a bit sensitive about it but drag just caricatures women and that is where feminists should target their anger and not against 'genuine' crossdressers who do it for the love.

Katie

Brill post Katie and I agree if I was a woman I'd find the comedic Drag acts more of an insult but I've been to a bar in Cardiff called Miskys which is a drag Bar £3 to get in and plenty of comedy by the Drag Queens and there were a few Crossdressers in there but Han do's more than Stag do's.

That's another thing Stag and Hen do's ... I don't do them I don't see the point in them.. I didnt have one but have been on one and men and women both see it as a last chance to cheat and i'm not just talking the ones getting married.

The things one girl in a bar in Cardiff asked me to do to her for a dare I wont print here and in the same vane I've seen men on stag do's acting like animals too.

Humans are a weird race of people I just don't get them.

Humans are very weird, I entirely agree! lol

And interesting thing - Davina, I think you mentioned these annoying questions of mine likely being on the tip of a new wife's tongue. Yep. They are. The support group I frequented for years often had these discussions and feeling insulted was actually a common thought. I get what Katie is saying and it makes sense in every logical way. But that doesn't remove the gut reaction many women have when confronted with a man they care about and his 'other side'. It often seems like the explanations given don't match the actions. If you're not trying to be women, then why wear fake boobs and body shapers? Men don't have boobs or curved hips so doing this is a contradiction, yes?

So doing these things DOES suggest crossdressers enjoy the binary gender roles far more than many women. Otherwise, why not just wear the clothes with a beard and your male body? (I'm sure we've beaten this horse to death, but hey, new people could be reading.)

Thing is, the key comments from the women I chatted to was these contradictions, often wrapped inside years and years of lies. 'I don't dress for sex' he would say while standing there in a dress with a erection. 'I'm not gay!' while his browser if exploding with transsexual oorn. 'It's an expression of my softer, more-nurturing feminine side' while he sits in a dress watching football as the wife does everything else, 'I understand women more' as he misunderstands everything his wife says and does.

All true stories!

There is a HUGE contradiction in what crossdressers say and what they do. And we feel it the most. And yet, all the wives I spoke to wanted was the truth and not some fake version that makes her husband feel better about himself. I swear, if any of these husbands had just been honest and said 'wearing frocks gives me a boner' I think there would have been less friction. Instead these women had to sit through strange stories about connecting with women and how it feels more comfortable to wear stockings and heels and a wig (yeah, right!) and these very baffled women just grew more resentful and uncomfortable.

Here's an excerpt from an article written by Amy Bloom who wrote 'Normal'. It sums up this contradiction perfectly. I'll post the link to the entire article after it.

'The cross-dressers of Tri-Ess insist that cross-dressing is not about sexuality, and therefore not about sex. They are right about the first, and we can all stop assuming that any man who wears a dress is gay. But they are not right about the second, and their assertion, their defense, that cross-dressing is their creative expression of both genders is unsetting, because it is at such odds with their behavior, their natures, and their marriages. These men are as far from being gender warriors and feminists as George W. himself. As one wife said to me, "For twenty years he couldn't help with the dishes because he was watching football. Now he can't help because he's doing his nails. Is that different?" For these men, the woman within is entirely the Maybelline version, not the Mother Teresa version, not the Liv Ullman version, and not even the Tracey Ullman version.'

https://aosoc.org/diane_frank_selections/conservative_men_in_conservative.htm

And thought I'd add that Davina and Katie, you actually speak the truth and are a rarity among the men who crossdress. If more could follow your lead I bet we'd see happier marriages. You're like cross dressing rebels refusing to follow the pack!! :-D

Hi Sindy

I'll try an answer your points from my own perspective. Really it's the only one I've got and at least you know I'm being honest.

Why wear false boobs and body shapers?

Ok. You're out shopping. You see a really nice dress, check they have the right size and head to the changing room. It looks awful on you. It too big on the top, tight round the waist and just doesn't look right. You're disappointed as the vision you had of you wearing the dress just doesn't fit the reality. You love the dress, everything else is right about, it's the perfect colour for the event you have in mind, so what can you do? Maybe if you could tuck your tummy in a bit more and enhance your breast! Well you have that shape wear at home and hey a couple of 'chicken fillets' will give you the extra oomph for the evening. You buy it, take it home and with a little womanly magic it looks fantastic.

If I put on a dress with my 'male body' it looks awful. It's tight around the waist and a baggy in the boob area. A couple of false boobs and shape wear can change the way I look and the way I feel about the dress. It's nothing that women haven't been doing for ages.

My boobs come from a site selling to women and my shape wear from M&S so no specialist tricks - just what a regular women would use.

It I wear a skirt I need the shape wear to redistribute my belly giving me a waist to sit the skirt on. Without it the skirt is too tight and uncomfortable. I thought that the purpose of shape wear was to redistribute the extra 'muffin top' into nice contours.

I know that it'll make Davina cringe but most days that I dress I do not wear a wig, make up or even shave. I don't need to and cannot justify the time as most of the time I'm meant to be working. So when I look in the mirror I look at the clothes and how they fit. I can ignore the head!

I sometimes think that when a crossdresser says 'comfortable' he means a different thing to how you'd consider using the word. Wearing heels, bra etc is fine to start off with but is does become uncomfortable after a while - so I'm with you ladies on that one. I think that when crossdresser says comfortable he means that he is not at odds with himself - the comfortable in his own body. A transsexual is not comfortable in their own body.

Dressing for sex or not?

Again I can't comment on other people but the whole dressing for sex thing is difficult. It definitely used to be a real turn on and to be honest when I was younger (teens) I was lucky to get a pair of knickers on! Now I can get fully dressed and sit around working for hours without feeling any need. Maybe the feelings it now creates are still to do with the with the endorphins it used to produce but instead of having to result in a sexual act they now produce the de-stress.

So wearing a dress used to give me a 'boner' but now it doesn't. Maybe it's to do with age and sex drive but I know that I don't suffer from erectile disfunction so it's got to be something else.

Slightly off thread but maybe the reason that we want to push the boundaries is to get the extra kick we used to do when we were younger. Too much of a good thing can lead to boredom. But dressing does at least calm the mind.

Gender expression.

If you're a sexist it doesn't matter if you're dressed as a woman or a man you're still going to be a sexist. I don't buy into the fact that dressing suddenly changes someones personality. You don't need to put on a dress to be in touch with your feminine side.

You might feel and look more feminine but it's just not going to suddenly change you from Donald Trump into Mother Theresa.

If somebody is not pulling their weight in the marriage then that's to with with them and not the fact that they are a crossdresser. It does annoy me that some crossdressers seem to use housework as some bargaining tool. 'If you let me dress up then I'll do the housework'. Hey, what's wrong with doing the housework as a man? It's not a 'feminine' thing it's just sharing the chores! I can't think of anything more ridiculous that wearing a shirt and heels to clean the toilet!

I hope in our household that I do my fair share. I cook, clean, look after the kids, do the decorating, fix things, unscrew tight lids and reach high things ;-)

Conclusion

Some crossdressers make up a narrative to justify their dressing to themselves. I don't get being 'in touch with my feminine side'. Things are only deemed 'feminine' because that is how society labels them.

About the only thing that differentiates the sexes is the ability to reproduce. We need to be plumbed the right way to enable that to happen. But I'm quite capable of rearing children - I looked after my two from birth for 2 days a week right through to them starting school., I can cook clean and do all the other things that society says are 'feminine'. I can even put on a pair of tights, strap on a bra, wear make up and walk in heels. It shouldn't make me some weirdo but a caring human being.

Katie