Hi Megan thanks for contributing… another Welsh T girl I do wonder how many more there are in Wales in the closet so to speak.

I’ve read this before and a lot of it can ring true. Is it Jung theory or something?

Sindy some responses to you keeping it real also but my point of view only, others may agree, disagree or have other answers all are welcome here.. this may be a long one lol.

I agree that every boy / man will have traits that society considers feminine but if we display them we’re met with disapproval and names like fairy etc and showing any fem traits is coached out of us from a young age as we’re taught to be macho, sporty and aggressive plus also trained to grow up to be Gentlemen..If brought up right.

I suppose this is the sort of thing women are attracted to not feminine men so we repress anything feminine including crying and showing emotions.

So yes I agree we are coached to develop a normal male persona (which you can call a mask to your true self which will have a mix of male and fem traits with the fem traits hidden).

It’s also true we go to school expected to get good grades then go onto College and University or before this get a job all the while being active in sports becoming well rounded Alpha male men then we chase a career and progress our life plans as Alpha males looking for the wife, house and kids

Its also true during this time being attracted to women and what they wear and how they look and feel but being shy or not having a girlfriend Crossdressing can kick in with exploration of how it might feel like some kind of compensation not looking to feel feminine in a mental sense but a physical sense manifesting itself in dreams and fantasy about women you’d want to do things with dressed in what you’re trying on.

At midlife with the wife, the kids, the house, the bills and now also the stress of the job and career we chased to give our family a good life we do experience a bit of unhappiness or maybe depression due to the unrealistic and limiting nature of our Aplha male masculine persona particularly as Sport has played a big part in our lives for most and now we’re at an age where we stop playing contact sport and need something to replace the adrenalin and outlet for stress.

It may also be as with myself some life event caused additional stress in early to mid 30s and its something we still bear a burden for now and a worry about weekly if not daily which has had a long lasting effect and worry which adds to our outside of work life stress and worry about the future and worry about a repeat event occurring.

We need and have something in Crossdressing we may have repressed for years and held at arms reach but we know it has this strange calming influence we cannot understand let alone explain to anyone else but come to accept eventually.

It comes to a point where we may get a strong urge to wear women’s clothes again or an event which triggers it sometimes after years of repressing it and sometimes its back to the dressing to feel how we like women to look and what we want them to wear etc when our wives reach a certain state of mind and stop making the effort they once used to and we’re back to compensating in our dressing.

(That sounds bad but we’ve discussed this in here before how women suddenly stop making the effort not realising the effect it has on us men because we don’t show our emotions and how hurt we can feel if it seems like our wives no longer see fit to make an effort to look their best for us its a kick in the teeth but we daren't say a word or we’ll get the silent treatment and the “you should love me however I am”)

So we may turn back to Crossdressing and to an extent this has happened to lots of Tgirls / crossdressers I regularly chat to – I own more dresses than my wife lol.

This crossdressing urge is natural and healthy as repressing feelings and especially stress is very unhealthy as I’m going through recently with work on top of me again along with other outside work stress but this has nothing to do with wanting to feel feminine – it’s fun, exciting, gives inexplicable stress release and its a turn on and I feel sexy when I’m crossdressed it’s escapism but Sindy we all realise dressing as we do doesn’t mean we do this to feel “Feminine” per say but it’d our interpretation of being feminine in image and it helps us dramatically so there's no need to state about us saying we feel feminine as we cant feel like a woman as we have no idea how women feel as they’re all weird lol…

There is a lot of self questioning of why do I do this and we do experience confusion and a bit of self loathing but we can get past this and feel relief in does it matter why I crossdress? I do it I enjoy it so so what … then we decide once we’ve got to this stage that maybe it’s fair and right to let our wives or girlfriends know that we are crossdressers and go through this all over again trying to comfort them, explain it and ease any obvious fears our wives or Gfs may have and guilt returns also self loathing and why am I now putting her through this and also why can't she see it for what it is escapism, image, a bit of fun serious but not serious and at the same time occasional, urges which help us and above all harmless if that’s all it is crossdressing.

Am I Gay never once crossed my mind and also do I want to be a woman never crossed my mind but formed the first two questions my wife asked putting me on the back foot in shock she asked those pretty obvious questions lol.

I believe we reach a stage of peace in our minds about crossdressing especially if our wives or Gfs can accept this part of us to a controlled extent (although we still worry about their feelings) and believe having my wifes blessing and understanding around me dressing at home behind closed doors and curtains or when away with work in a hotel room is my end point despite a recent thought of “how would it feel to be outside dressed away from people who know me but outside away from anyone who knows me as a man and just outside as opposed to hidden behind closed doors and curtains even if its in the back garden in the dark of winter for 5 mins or away from home at some arranged safe tgirl event a curiosity to see how it would feel in a safe social environment” - Maybe one day I’ll do this maybe I won’t but this thought is more about wanting the experience than something I’ve thought long and hard about doing frequently.

Its an adjustment of mine and my wifes current level of acceptance bending the rules so back comes the guilt for admitting this thought to her and how it may make her feel.

However what we do know is we recognize the positive, healing meaning of crossdressing in the escapism, fun and stress release we gain from it for those few hours “transformed” letting the alpha male mask drop for a time and with support from a wife or a gf crossdressing becomes supported, rather than rejected, by the ego and fears of the effect on ones wife or gf and we may then pursue crossdressing as a constructive activity free from previous moral constraints.

But I also agree by the same token, recognition of the positive meaning of the urges also brings an appreciation of sensible limits of crossdressing and awareness of overstepping the mark.

Emulating a woman physically in how we dress is all we do we cant and don't claim to feel totally feminine or understand women just because we crossdress but it allows us to unleash this fem side within us which we Alphas don't like admitting we have within.

It is an expression of femininity to the extent that we can achieve we never deem or claim it to be an expression of womanhood, it is an expression of the traits that we like to associate ourselves with in terms of the look and how it makes us feel when we crossdress.

So for us yes it means dresses, stockings, high heels, long hair, manicures, makeup, lingerie, shopping for girly things, girly chats and feeling pretty and sexy the things we’re not “allowed” to have or feel as Alpha male men.

Also the above things are activities I would say women are doing less and less so may find it fun to return to doing these things if not surreal with their husband or boyfriend to an extent.

Yes the association is simplistic and superficial – is there anything wrong with that as for some of us as above its a replacement or compensation for the things our wives / gfs have left behind not realising the effect it has on our hidden feelings.

I don't express any feminine traits let alone internal fem 'anima' so I occasionally behind closed doors crossdress because doing it openly is frowned upon and repressed.

There are far more concerning things in the world than people worrying about why men crossdress.

Going and helping the poor and sick instead of parading around in wigs and heels?? ... Is this what women do?

No then what's it got to do with crossdressing?

The anima in men isn't literally a big-boobed bimbo in skanky clothing as most men who crossdress don't dress this way which is why I think my wife was surprised when she first faced me as Davina probably expecting to find me dressed like a hooker when I was just dressed casual as a woman, makeup and wig with the aim more to try to look convincing than tarty or like a bimbo as believe it or not this isn't the look we generally fancy in women … neither is trousers and flat shoes lol but somewhere in between.. kinda like the way Yall dress to snare us in the first place lol

There isn't a single crossdresser who really knows what it is to be female and we don't even ponder this its just dressing up and escapism we don't try to be female we don't want to be female we just strive as part of the fun of it to look as female as possible.

Yes we are are MEN responding to an internal need and an escapism but why shouldn't it be connected to women or rather womens image in crossdressing as more and more women are encouraged to be strong and independent women showing more natural male traits… The shoes on the other foot and flat ones at that!.

Femininity but not women – so how do we show femininity without the emulation of crossdressing as I’m sure if I acted more feminine my wife would have just the same fears … hang on you’re acting more feminine are you gay?

WE do need balance so what’s at all wrong in finding refuge in crossdressing or “pretending to be women” To us this does help with the balance and its inexpiable why it does provided this release and balance which really helps us unwind we cant explain why but it works.

I’m not at all confused – I’m a man (an intelligent one), a thoughtful one, a man with my own mind and principals, a man not easily led by others or by what we're told in the media, I'm a husband and a father, an alpha male and a leader of men and women in a stressful job and I crossdress and no one would ever guess that I do it and enjoy doing it, I’m straight not at all gay and I never want to become or live as a woman or try to feel like a woman I just enjoy crossdressing and it comes in occasional urges or compulsions if you like and after being crossdressed it can help stress subside and the urge will go away until the next time we need to do it for want of some other replacement of relief but why look for the “other “relief when we have something which works in crossdressing.

Balance is found by swapping one costume for another as we’re doing it, living it occasionally and believe me it works.

You can say "Just try being a man who embraces all of his human emotions" but as we’ve already discussed some of the traits and emotions are frowned upon so stupidly as society doesn't accept as openly a man who may from time to time act feminine society also doesn't accept us crossdressing so we’re kicked either way.

Women wont understand as they'll never know what it;’s like to be a Man and we are very visually motivated and back to the feeling of rejection etc we feel when wives and gfs move to trousers and flat shoes which is just an example.

There is a lot more to men than what their eyes (and lower brains) see to make decisions but that's just what women think of us and for some men this explanation is true but some of us are more intelligent and can think outside the box and can even accept we crossdress so what.

Crossdressing does exist in all cultures and in past history, feminism and the balance of the sexes and the fact women these days have more equality and equal rights in the main as it should be as I believe in equality for all but in some cases women are overtaking men as we are afraid to cause any angst or offence for example mentioned before go into a clothes shop ¾ will be womens clothes of a great variety and ¼ will be for men … Women can shop in that ¼ shop also and wear mens things but men cannot go into the ¾ shop or wear womens things yet years ago women had to wear dressed and dress a certain way and go back further men wore dresses moving to the more practical shorts or trousers that’s not to say women should wear dresses but its what we prefer seeing women in even occasionally and its becoming a rare thing and I’d say crossdressing is on the rise.

Good debate may it continue onwards and upwards.


Davina xxxx

I was going to respond to Sindy but you summed my thoughts up exactly

Meg x

So Sindy sure put her feminist ideas and insults on poor Megan, didn't I!! lol. Sorry Megan, Thing is, I can support all of you, and my husband, and feel hurt and sad for how you're all treated, and bloody hell I'd be first in the picket line for your rights to fair treatment, but in the end I also expect men who crossdress not to just emulate an entire gender without ever thinking about the ramifications or reasons why. Let's face it - if you were a white dude who had a compulsion to present as a black man you'd be pretty damn disliked by most. Yet for some reason, men presenting as women has been downplayed into the 'fun' zone. I don't think it's fun or frivolous to be female but hey, that's just me. I'm also raising daughters (and sons) so my sense of humour is short lived on most days anyway lol.

So I guess my thoughtful question for this week is - do you think crossdressing is insulting to women? And how do you justify it when you probably wouldn't emulate a person of different culture or colour? Do you see women as less deserving of respect? Or maybe you see women as just a part of men so you can 'wear' us whenever you like?

Either way, crossdressing, for this feminist, has always trod some murky waters. If I annoy anyone here, I'm okay with that. You can't emulate another person without causing some offence. Why this isn't addressed more is frustrating. I know in the past that if the wife had just had her thoughts validated, that the marriage might have been better. Crossdressers really shouldn't be at war with the very people they worship! Im a pain in the ass, but I might SAVE your ass with these questions.

Answers appreciated. x

I understand this Sindy but feel the alpha male straight married man is very restricted and for most of us although we’d love the world to be more accepting of our crossdressing and to have rights and fair treatment we’ll never get it as far too many other “minorities” in the LGBT let alone vanilla world would want straight married men dressing for fun and escapism and seems that’s our lot in life.

Sindys question for this week - Do we think crossdressing is insulting to women?

Nooooo far from it is a massive appreciation of women and how much we admire women and womens look and fashion etc.. We’re massive admirers of women and I hope in how we look when we do crossdress is testament to that as we don’t dress all tarty and slutty we try to emulate how we like women to look when we crossdress and its no insult.

And how do we justify it when you probably wouldn't emulate a person of different culture or colour?

I don’t want to emulate a person of a different culture or colour as that would do nothing for my need of occasional escapism from alpha male life. Part of it is the love and attraction to women.

Do you see women as less deserving of respect?

No I see women as our equal.

Does a man deserve less respect for crossdressing?

Some maybe most will say "Yes be a man!"

But all we’re doing is dressing as a woman that is as society has decided women dress and man shan’t dress like it which one could call sexist if we wanted to be all politically correct in equality and all, but I would suggest the political correct brigade would vote against crossdressing being a right of men.

Or maybe you see women as just a part of men so you can 'wear' us whenever you like?

We don’t wear You – You or Women I should say aren’t just clothes so turning the table we aren’t wearing you we’re wearing clothes and makeup and high heels etc Society in general has declared these items and that specific look to belong to women denying it to men.

Is it ok for a drag queen to poorly portray a woman?

Is that more acceptable than a straight married man or any man for that matter occasionally crossdressing?

Either way, crossdressing, for this feminist, has always trod some murky waters – That because maybe feminists have come such a long way from Emily Pankhurst chaining herself the the rails for womens right to vote to now wanting more and more equality which is fine by me but please clothing and image is just that, you cant have the monopoly on fashion surely ¾ to ¼ in that clothes shop…isn't equality.

You’re not annoying anyone it’s all good stuff Sindy and many of these questions may be on the tip of the tongue of women coming in here to see what this blog is all about so my honest answers back at cha..

We don’t mean to cause any offence by emulating women or any other person so hard for us to understand how we would cause any offence by crossdressing privately and occasionally for the good inexplicable effects it provides us as men.

Anyone offended by men crossdressing needs to think about the more onerous problems in the world and will realise a man dressed as a woman occasionally is pretty meaningless even if it’s you husband if his motives are the same as mine meaning no offence, crossdressing being a private occassional fun thing I like to do to help me unwind.

There are also two sides to a marriage and we try our best to keep our wives happy and wives try their best to keep us men happy but sometimes give and take is required and sometimes either man or wife will take the other for granted at some point in time and we must not forget that us men are crap at showing our feelings and sometimes will let this spill over in frustration sometimes sexual frustration and stress especially when wives and gfs hit the contentment wall and don’t realise the effect certain small things like never wearing high heels or a dress can have on a man especially if its a case of a wife not making this effort for their husband but will dress to the nines for a girls night out with her friends which wives and gf’s have no idea the negative effect it has on our hidden feelings… how do we show these feelings without offending or sounding superficial .. that’s the question we find hard to get to grips with and how does one say to ones wife or Gf I have noticed you’re making less of an effort to look your best without getting your head bitten off and the silent treatment and a night sleeping o the couch so it’s easier to crossdress but that doesn’t cure the underlying resentment we can feel and the effect it has on our own self confidence which again we don’t show you.

So Why this isn't addressed more is frustrating to men who corssdress and men who don't crossdress?

Questions appreciated as usual

Davina xxxx

Hi Davina fab blog and chin up these things happen you will get your opportunity to unwind.

I'm Megan a Tgirl from Wales thought I'd post finally after reading here for over a year and working up to telling my wife about my Crossdressing

Found this in the internet.

An idealized (but not universal) history of the crossdresser can be outlined as follows:

• Each boy has traits that society considers feminine. When a boy displays these traits, they meet with disapproval. The boy represses these feminine traits, which become the anima.

• The boy develops a normal male persona (mask), and enters the world. He goes to school and follows a career. The urge to actualize his repressed female potentials manifests itself in dreams and fantasy.

• At midlife, he experiences unhappiness due to the unrealistic and limiting nature of his masculine persona. At this time he may feel a strong, even overpowering interest in wearing women’s clothes, or of being a woman in fantasy. This urge is natural and healthy: it is because his completeness as a person requires expressing the potentials he has repressed.

• Lacking societal cues that validate or guide his impulses, he experiences confusion. The world says crossdressing is wrong, but his ‘heart’ says it is right. Guilt, shame, moral concerns, and his own overly idealized view of masculinity constrain his crossdressing. He also asks questions like “Am I gay?” and “Should I change my sex?”

• The stage of confusion can last years and decades. The crossdresser may dress often, delve into the culture of crossdressing, or even take female hormones. Or he may remain highly closeted. But the hallmark of this phase is that he remains confused and highly ambivalent, uncertain how to proceed.

• This seems a terminal point for many. However, the theories of Jung and others imply that this is not the proper end point, but merely arrested development.
If the crossdressing urge is really adaptive – a response by the organism to remove barriers that have effectively repressed half of the man’s potentials – we can speculate that further developmental stages are possible:

• The crossdresser recognizes the positive, healing meaning of crossdressing. At this point, crossdressing becomes supported, rather than rejected, by the ego; he may then pursue crossdressing as a constructive activity, now freed from previous moral constraints. But, by the same token, recognition of the positive meaning of the urges also brings an appreciation of sensible limits

Ah, nice to read something that drags me from the pits of blahdom. How can a crossdresser be a sociallly perverted menace when he's busy pondering yin and yang? Thanks Megan, for reminding me how normal you all are!

Anyway, it's nice to hear your story (we need more personal information, of course, as we're/I'm a nosey bunch lol) and read your theories. I think everyone here does need to delve into this issue and reach their own personal answer rather than just take the answers of others. From what I've witnessed as a wife, the reasons for emulating a woman are as endless as the people who do it. I'm not sure one theory will ever fit two people, let alone everyone,

That said, I do have one issue with yours that I have with most explanations for crossdressing - and that is this being an expression of femininity/womanhood/anima? Whatever the name, it is apparently an expression of the traits associated most with women. For men who crossdress, this seems to be dresses, stockings, heels, long hair, manicures, shopping, girly chats and feeling pretty. As an actual female, I find this association simplistic and superficial. If you want to access your 'anima' then why not focus on internal feminine traits? Seriously, most of the rest of the world wonders this question also, when confronted with a crossdresser/transperson. If you're hell-bent on gender cliches, then why on earth don't you go help the poor and sick instead of parading around in wigs and heels?? Is the anima in men literally just a big-boobed bimbo in skanky clothing? Serious question that I think all crossdressers need to ponder.

Anyway, I think there's an awful lot of justifying done in the crossdressing community that makes people create theories as to why they do this so as to feel 'normal' in everyday society. Yet, trust me, a decade of reading what crossdressers think and feel, and I haven't YET experienced a single one who really knew what it is to be female. You can't know. Clothing and all the rest won't help. You are MEN responding to an internal need and it really shouldn't be connected to women. Femininty, yes, but not women. And I agree all humans need balance, but men finding refuge in pretending to be women is not balance. That's confusion or compulsion or whatever, but balance is not found by swapping one costume for another.

You want to find real human balance, try opening up your mind and heart without all the gender crap in the way. How about accessing the anima by being a man who embraces all of his human emotions? I'll never understand the need to crossdress because I don't associate who I am with the visual. Perhaps men will always be limited as to who they are as long as their eyes (and lower brains lol) make the decisions. Who knows. I do know it rarely exists in more primitive cultures which suggests a link to modern masculinity.

Anyway, thanks for joining in. :-) it's cool if we disagree on issues, because I might say it like it is, but I also like to learn and I will take your info away with me to ponder. I honestly think if an explanation works for you, then own it. We're not on this earth long enough to know all the answers so just find yours and make it work.

Yep, feeling a bit better for chatting here again...helps lift the yuck I've felt for a few days. x

It's been over a month since I had a chance to Crossdresss.. Well I have worked from home and could have dressed but works on top of me again and last week I found myself working late breaking my new years resolution..

I've been away with work staying in a hotel this week but with other work colleagues so not packed Davina in a bag so I'm going cold Turkey.

looking at my work diary I will have to cancel a meeting I have away from home where again I'd usually stay in a hotel and pack Davina so another week ahead where I wont get any Crossdressing R&R and you could say give yourself a slap you're a man shake yourself but it's hard to explain how work can be so stressful when you have so many deadlines to meet, when people aren't listening to you, when the company wont put measures and systems in place to make the work easier and it can get depressing and to a point when even crossdressing doesn't help and I think I've hit that ebb again now as I'm tired and feel run down and miserable after another stressful week in work.

It will feel nice when I next get an opportunity to crossdress but it will probably be an opportunity when working from home not an opportunity when you can just dress and enjoy it.

It's so hard to explain how dressing up can give such stress release so I will have to try to find some way to get myself out of this depression I currently feel.

I bet that's hard for a wife or girlfriend to understand how we have fun in crossdressing, how it helps us unwind and how we bottle things like stress up.

Sounds like you need some time away from work but I guess that would just pile up more work to come back to?

Or you need to consider changing your job if possible as you cant go on being stressed in work as it will boil over to home life if it hasn't already.

Get yourself dressed up and relax working from home one day next week who knows it might help

Chin up Davina

Emma xx

Hi Sindy I hope you’re not still on a “Debbie-downer”

It can be worrying when you have kids thinking I hope they’ll be safe.

My kids have their half term this week and have been to sports clubs in a local leisure centre where I know the people showing them how to play hockey and netball are ok, have been checked etc but you still warn them not to go off with anyone, don’t wander away from the leisure centre and look after each other.

I ran kids clubs when younger and had to run through police checks and all that stuff and back then pedophillia etc was a less known and worried about thing but people are very aware of it these days including the kids.

You have to be careful about it too for example I was out with a friend last night in a pub and he mentioned someone I'd not heard about for a long time and I said didn't he do time something to do with his ex wifes 13 year old daughter and my friend said yes he did but she later admitted she made it up to hurt him for leaving her mum... now in my mind he'd messed about with her and went to prison for it but he was innocent however hearing his name and not knowing the full facts its the first thing that sprang to mind and it will probably stick to him all his life. I could mention his name in work and others would say the same as I said last night and without someone there who knows the full facts the rumour will continue.

My oldest is at an age where she wants to go out with friends to the park etc and I cant keep her in and under my supervision for ever. But you do worry about them crossing the road safely and also what evil people we know are out there they may bump into and we have to prepare them mentally to see a sign of danger and get from there.

Its hard but I’d never be suspicious of male teachers or male coaches etc and confident if someone did anything to my kids they would tell me and I would deal with it.. The thing is we’ve seen lately it’s not just men who have commited crimes with minors as there are some sick people about.

It is sad however that because we crossdress and you can read here it’s a fairly harmless and indeed sane thing that we do but it shows why men keep it secret if people associate crossdressing with perversion and link it into sick people.

I do get it though and would maybe worry myself even being a crossdresser if somehow one of my kids friends fathers was outed as a Crossdresser how would I feel my kids going over on a play date with this guys kids.. Ok He’s a crossdresser big deal but what sort of a crossdresser what motivates him to crossdress… I’m sure we’ve let our kids go to friends houses and for all we know parents are taking drugs, drink heavily and god knows what else so Crossdressng shouldn’t be the worst thing to worry about however I bet if people found out I was a crossdresser they’d probably be a bit wary of their kids coming round here and that’s a sad thing as unfortunately Crossdressing and perversion is a society linked thing which we’re not getting away from any time soon in how people picture us.

I agree its awful that us normal blokes who just enjoy the escapism of crossdressing get lumped in with such labels as pervert and sexual abuser.

All you have to do though is shut it out of your mind in the knowledge your husband isn’t a predator he’s probably just like me a normal alpha male, hard working father and husband who happens to enjoy crossdressing for all the good benefits it brings in stress relief and escapism for a bit.

It must be hard though as sometimes you must want to scream "Look you are over generalising my husband is a crossdresser and he’s not a pervert or any of the things you lot keep saying about men who crossdress!"
.
Anyway I hope you’ve raised yourself above the gloom and doom and have a nice weekend planned.

I’m going to watch a rugby match.. how Alpha Male of me.

Its dreadful how men are labelled rapists and peados before proven innocent or guilty look at Cliff Richards and now did I read Rolf Harris having some cases against him thrown out but they are tarred with the brush.

I never even considered my other half was a weirdo or a pervert and glad that didn't cross my mind.

Emma

Seems I'm the Debbie-downer here at the moment. :-( Wish I could see the happy-joy in simple valentines gifts but have been confronted in the last few weeks with some depressing issues.

The big one is that many of the moms I know and spend my days with want their kids to have nothing to do with men. Seriously. No male teachers. They're suspicious of male coaches. And no play dates unless mom is also around in case Dad is a pervert. Very depressing, but while I find it paranoid behavior, I just move on and do my own thing as I can't handle the conflict right now.

Except, recently I've heard a couple of casual joke comments about sexual abusers pretending to be moms to reach kids, and some bizarre idea that crossdressing is connected to being a sexual deviant. It's not easy hearing these things, when your husband is a crossdresser AND a devoted, loving father. It makes me want to cry. Worst part is some of these comments have come from close friends. Open minded women. Yet they still fear men in dresses.

Anyway, I wanted to explain why I keep mentioning the more negative aspects here. These issues may very well occur for other women if they become involved with a crossdresser. These kinds of comments etc will hurt even if he's private and considerate, as other people may label his behavior a threat. It's not the truth as we here all know the truth, but it can happen and the wife will feel angry and sad.
.

I just feel sad. I wish my husband didn't have to be lumped in with such labels as pervert and sexual abuser. I find it depressing that any man with a sexual/behavior 'quirk' is immediately assumed a predator, yet I also don't have the strength to correct people as that would mean outing him to the world. Neither of us want that. :-(

So because of the tiny percentage of men who do actually abuse children and women, all other men are not treated fairly. I hate it. And sorry, but just needed to vent somewhere anonymous and safe today because even though I understand all this, today I I feel a bit beaten down.
x

Sending you a cyber hug and will write more tomorrow.

Katie

Hi Sindy

I totally get you being on a downer especially if you feel you can't hit back at ridiculous comments. Some people are just so ignorant that unless something affects them directly they are not willing to put in the time and effort in finding out the truth. Instead they'll jump to all sorts of conclusions normally perpetuated by the gutter press.

I'm a sports coach and my wife is the welfare officer for the club so we've had lots of discussions about safeguarding children. All of the other coaches in the club are male and most only start because they have a child in the team.

The main concern that all parent fear is their child falling pray to a pedophile. That is the fear that your friends seem to be expressing. I know that all of our coaches have up to date criminal record checks and will have attended a safeguarding children course.

I know that there has been quite a bit in the press about historical sexual abuse of children in football and this always raises concerns but I have to say that no parents have raised any concerns about our coaches or for that matter even wanted to check that they are 'safe'. Maybe parents make an assumption but I think it is more likely that their fears have moved into different areas.

I know that from a personal point of view our biggest worry is that they'll be groomed over the internet. It's much easier to pose as a pretty young teenage girl on-line than in real life and with the way games are played they can easily be suckered in. Really, men dressing as women to get access to children is a bit paranoid and I think you're friends need a reality check. I think most sexual abuse is carried out by a close member of the family so I think they'd soon realise if somebody was trying to use that ruse!

I think men are far more aware of their action towards children creating suspicion even if it is done in all innocence. I know one of our coaches froze on the spot when one of his players came up to him and hugged him. If it had been his own son then he'd have consoled him but he couldn't. Luckily the child's parent witnessed it and said it would be OK for him to console the child (who has incidentally been having a difficult time).

My biggest fear is being accused of being a pedophile by an upset player wanting to get his own back. I'm always careful to never be alone with any of the players and it is a shame that I have to feel that way. Some of our friends knew about a coach who have been accused by one of his player out of spite. That would be a complete nightmare so sometimes I wonder why anybody actually puts the time in in the first place!

There has also been a lot of debate in the press in the US about the 'bathroom bill'. It seems that one of the arguments for banning trans people is that male sexual predators will dress as women to get access to the ladies toilets. Really? Why do you need to dress as a woman to go into the female toilets? From experience most toilets are discreetly hidden so any man wanting to pray on a woman could easily slip in and hide in one of the cubicles until the right moment. Paranoia gone mad.

I really think there whole thought process is totally illogical and I think that you could challenge them without rousing suspicion.

All men are latent pedophiles and sexual predators! Really if women want equality then they also need to treat men with respect and not tar them all with the same brush. It seems were guilty until proven innocent!

Console yourself with the fact that you are an open minded woman who has spent time and effort in understanding her husband. If more women were like you and actually spent time understanding the risks then maybe the world would be a less paranoid place where people can live in harmony as opposed to suspicion.

Katie

Thank you. I needed to hear this as I did end up a blubbering mess in the bathroom and had to tell one of the munchkins that mommy was making dinner and the onion made her eyes hurt. I think he bought it, lol.

It is all this pedophile fear. Obviously it's a parents worst nightmare and I have fears too. But maybe I'm less scared than most because in my own history I remember being personally groomed by two adult men as an early teen and managed, amazingly, to come out unscathed. One was my music teachers husband and the other was the manager at the after school job I had. They said and tried some pretty disturbing stuff. But I was lucky and nothing happened to me. I guess my personal creep factor went off and I had friends who also noticed and stepped in.

I suppose what I'm saying is I know these people are out there but I'd rather teach my kids how to look after themselves than persecute an entire gender because of a few bad ones. I find it appalling that friends of mine won't allow male family members near their kids for fear of pedophilia. As someone who is raising both boys and girls, I find it infinitely sad that boys are considered the enemy purely because of their birth gender. I can't even imagine how a transwoman feels with the bathroom laws you mention. I feel emotionally exhausted when I consider the unfairness of it all, and lately I feel like humans are going backwards in their views.

But it's especially confronting to have close friends view your husband as a threat just because he has a harmless quirk such a crossdressing. And no, they don't view him personally this way because they don't know - but they feel this way about crossdressers im general and it's depressing to hear.

I will say that I did pull one friend up by reminding her that she was raising a son and that one day he would be viewed as the predator. She was quite stumped by that, and acknowledged that she would need to find a way to balance her fears and raising a happy, confident man. I still think she'll let her fears rule, but I did my best. Still feeling sad so will end it here and say I also needed that cyber hug, Katie. People can be so disappointing, x

Hi Sindy

Being a parent is tough gig. You want to shelter them against all the horrible things out there but you also want to make sure that they are well rounded individuals who can be thoughtful and accepting of others.

As I said our biggest fear is the internet. Both of my two are into xbox and play their games on-line against other gamers around the world. We've talked to them about the dangers and they appear to be sensible. They're very cautious about 'friending' anyone who they don't know personally. I know some of the friends have 'friends list' which go into hundreds, I'd been concerned that some of those might not be quite who they purport to be!

I know the schools are a lot better in educating their students about the dangers out there but equally they're also better at discussing issues such as LGBT so they don't grow up with some of the preconceptions of their paranoid parents!

I think my two are a lot more worldly wise than I ever was at their age but equally we've made sure that they don't grow up too quickly and enjoy their childhood - it's over too quick these days.

We're also finding this Brexit / Trump situation depressing. 'Populist' seems to be an excuse to become more insular and untrusting - something that I despise. Maybe I'm too soft and want to live in a Utopia that just doesn't exist but why can't people just be nice instead of having to split into 'tribes'?

Anyway, if you want to vent anything in private that you don't feel is appropriate here then Davina has my email address.

Chin up.

Katie

And sorry for calling y'all a 'douche'. But fact is the most dangerous crossdressers are the ignorant ones who ignore reality and don't even know when they're projecting their shit onto others. I've seen it too many times and it never ended well.

So as Facebook would say - don't be like them. Be like Davina and Katie. lol.

Sorry peeps, but we've descended into crossdressing La La Land again. The 'if I just have a wee chat with my wife she'll understand and we can start sharing it together'.

Yeah, except it ain't that simple. And even Emma and Sarah's wife won't yet comprehend what I'm talking about.

How about you add a decade or more to the equation. How does this look then? How do you feel 15 or 20 years later when hubby strolls into the bedroom, yet again, in that tarty blonde wig, stockings and heels? Yet again, he wants to watch 'girly' movies and paint each other's nails while you're eyeballing the book you'd rather read or the laundry you'd rather fold. From my end, it looks pretty damn dull. I'm thinking 'I can't believe my husband is still doing this. Hasn't he got bored yet?!' Seriously. A decade later, do I feel like going on a 'girls' night out? Having make over sessions? Discussing how much fun it is to buy clothes and dress up?

I want to roll my eyes and go sleep in another room. Sorry, but it's not so interesting a decade later. Not to mention, I have plenty of female friends to have girl nights out with and only ONE husband, so if he's expecting me to play 'girls night' with him then I'm going to need a spare husband.

But hey, find out for yourselves. Indulge the dressing for a decade. Better yet, chat to some other wives who aren't on forums buzzing about how wonderful it is to have a crossdressing husband. Ignore those few minority women and talk to the rest. Ask the ones who have been living with it for years and years whether they still find it fun or intimate. Look for the truth instead of finding what you want to see.

Sure, there are women out there who don't mind indulging the same thing over and over and OVER again. They're in the minority. For the rest of us, it eventually wears thin and we're much happier when we stop being involved. Some women will even start out like Emma and end up with less tolerance than a football player. So sure, live in La La Land and keep insisting your wives join in. But please, don't be a completely ignorant douche and forget who is actually the crossdressser here. Don't project your need and compulsion onto others so that you eventually believe they like it as much as you.

Because, I highly doubt it.

So be careful what you're asking for. You're in the early days when things are always rose-tinted. If I were a cross dressing man, I'd work on learning to be happy whether my wife is involved or not. Because once you start down the La La path, you might find you're walking it alone.

Anyway, two cents from Sindy who's keeping it real, as always. x

Any relationship needs to be worked at if it is going to survive. When partners are taken for granted then it will fail.

Sometimes having something new and exciting in a relationship can reinvigorate it. A common purpose. And yes new things do lose their lustre over time. A new TV is great for the first week or so but after that it's just something to watch TV programmes and films on. It doesn't mean you no longer want it, it just becomes part of the furniture.

Before we were married my wife would come and watch me play cricket. A nice afternoon in the sun reading a book. But slowly she stopped coming along - better things to do - sometimes mundane like cleaning the house (she loves a clean house). I didn't resent her for not coming. She'd shown me support and I new she was happy that I carried on playing, it's just that it just wasn't that interesting to her anymore. I'm sure that if they'd been an important game she'd have come long to support but every week no.

Crossdressing by it's nature will wax and wane but it is an urge that we are never going to fully itch. I agree that our wives and partners may well have periods where they'll roll their eyes but it shouldn't stop them being involved if they want too, even if it is during a honeymoon period. Maybe it'll continue or maybe it'll just become old hat but to a crossdressing husband it is important that we've had the validation.

I liked it that my wife watched me play cricket and I understood that she may not want to me along every week. When she stopped it didn't bother me because I could still enjoy the game and if one week she decided that it was nice day and she'd come along then great. I'd never have ever considered making her go to a match. I know that forcing someone to do something against their will will eventually lead to resentment. She was happy that I was happy and I was happy that she was happy.

So to crossdressers enjoy it whilst you can. To wives and partners don't feel that you have to keep up with your crossdresser. He'll be full on, but realise that by accepting him it will mean a hell of a lot.

As they say too much of a good thing is bad for you. I know that I enjoy going out for meals on holiday but by the end I'm bored and the first thing I want when I get home is something bland like beans on toast! We all enjoy going out for meal every now and then but it is the normal life in between that makes it special.

I'm sure that there is common ground to satisfy everyone, it's just finding that happy balance.

Katie

Yes, but you can understand that your wife will tire of it one day and just appreciate what she does give because you have your head screwed on! Trust me, plenty don't. Plenty will harangue their wives for years and years to keep up the 'fun' they had at the very start. I witnessed this quite a lot. The worst result was when the husband eventually realised she wasn't interested and rather than take the mature road and take it elsewhere, they either continually sprang it on her, or ramped up the secretive separate behavior. One woman discovered her husband was spending half the night in the basement watching porn while dressed and her teen son eventually saw him.

Seriously, this isn't an issue to down play. It's not cricket and if the man doesn't have a healthy mindset then indulging him early on could have bad results.

I'll be honest and say I feel Sarah is expecting his wife to indulge the dressing in order to stay married to him. I think she'll get fed up playing the kink game eventually and I think he'll go play it elsewhere. Tell me I'm wrong here if you like, Sarah, but also be honest. Would you be back with your wife if she wasn't open to the crossdressing?

Anyway, were all adults here so everyone must figure this stuff out for themselves. I can only throw in warnings now and then and hope those who need them, see them.

I don't think that this is exclusive to crossdressing. Men can be pretty obsessive about plenty of other 'hobbies' that wives may tire of over time. Was the pornography or the crossdressing that was the problem? If he'd been doing the ironing dressed would it have been such an issue? There are plenty of men obsessed with pornography and so there will be crossdressers who are also obsessed with it. Watching pornography is not a prerequisite of being a crossdresser.

Getting it into perspective crossdressing of the scale of things probably isn't that bad. I'm sure that there are plenty of other forms of behaviour that would have ended my and plenty of other marriages long before now.

We exist in a bit of a crossdressing bubble. All of us pretty obsessed by the subject because it affects us all. I'm sure that out in the big wide world we'd be told not to be so self-obsesed.

I was talking to a lady this week who said that somebody in her road had complained to the council that the early recycling collection woke her children. Compared to a child in Syria being woken up to the sound of bombs going off it's really trivial. It sort of brings things into perspective.

We all exist in our own bubbles at times where the things affecting us are the most important in the world.

If you don't want your husband or partner dressing in front of you any longer tell him. If he's sensible and grown up enough to accept that then fine. If he asks again in the future tell him how you feel. I'm sure that most husbands are sympathetic to their wives needs - especially if she makes it clear.

If he ignores her and keeps on regardless then he's an arsehole and she has decisions to make.

We all know that we're not going stop crossdressing. It may increase or decrease in intensity but it's going to be with us for life. Every couple has to decide how to cope with this in their relationship. Some may embrace it, some ignore it and others will let it ruin their lives. It may change over time but then we all change over time and part of being in a relationship is that we grow and change together.

I'm no longer the fit, sports playing young man my wife married. I'm probably a stone overweight with grey hair but she still loves me because we've grown together. She's not the same but I'm not about to change her for a younger model!

You have to work at marriage or any relationship to make it succeed. There will be give and take by both sides to make it work - life is full of compromises.

Katie

PS I'm sure that cricket has ruined a few marriages, especially when he becomes obsessed! It was really just an analogy to make a point.

I got the analogy and you're right - men can obsess about anything lol. At least the cricket wife can tell friends and family why he's so preoccupied. Not so much the wife of a cross dresser.

But compromise is key so you're also right that couples must keep communicating. Though, why the dressing keeps changing is a bit of an enigma. If you're in control of it surely you can just make a decision not to allow it to progress? Otherwise you're admitting that you're powerless over it which makes it far more damaging than other hobbies. It's more in line with addiction, yes?

Anyway that's off topic, but I'm sure it's a large reason why it's easier to accept cricket. It's not only the taboo aspect but the way crossdressing slips into a mans psyche and alters who he is and even his behavior. The worry then becomes 'who is in control?'.

In the cases of the failed marriages, the behavior was allowed to lead. But there are plenty of still married women living unhappily with a crossdresser who keeps pushing the boundaries.

All this is a bubble and there are infinitely more important issues. So why does this consume your lives then? If we were living an existence like Syria, I'd be very disappointed in my husband if he was still having crossdressing thoughts. Yet, that's the difference between cricket and crossdressing. I have a feeling all of you would continue with the urges even in the middle of a war. Inappropriate, yes, but that's the nature of this thing. So new wives need to understand what they're getting into. Women can't make informed decisions about joining in etc, if they think it's just a hobby.

Anyone get anything nice for Valentines day?

He got me some nice lingerie and flowers plus wine and I got him a nice makeup set lol

Em

Bottle of Barbados rum and some makeup off my lovely wife x

Valentines is one of those rare occasions when closet crossdressers can shop in the lingerie department without too many people taking much notice.

I wonder how many men are their buying for their wives and partners and how many for themselves lol.

Christmas and Valentines traditional Crossdresser top up your makeup and lingerie time.