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My BLOG Page talks a bit more about the topics in the News / Advice page with some personal insights which may explain a bit more about where I'm coming from in this attempt to help others and Disspel some Myths about Crossdressing

Whats really taken over the blog and increased the bandwidth is the "Chat Debate and Help Page" where Crossdressers and Wives are having a good natter about Crossdressing :)

I’ve come across something which I think is relative to the shock of finding out your Husband or Boyfriend is a Crossdresser.

I’ve decided it’s a good place to start if your perspective is you will and want to get through the shock of finding out your other half enjoys to crossdress and want to make some sense of it and make your relationship continue more or less unaffected by this change which hes introduced.

The curve below I feel is relevant to crossdressing and the feelings my wife’s gone through.

The first stage you get to when you’re told your other half crossdresses is obviously shock and denial “You cant possibly crossdress its just not you!?!”

Why?

• Lack of information – Media led misconception?
• Fear of the Unknown – What does this mean to the relationship?
• Fear of the hidden secret – How long has he been doing this? Is he gay? Does he want to be a woman?
• Fear of the future and what it means to your relationship

After the initial shock you may feel denial and a feeling of why has this happened to me I didn’t sign up for this and everything was OK until he told me he was a crossdresser.

You might feel

• Betrayal
• Fear for the future
• Fear of what others may think of you or your partner if they found out

Its common to bury your head in the sand and act like the conversation never happened and it wont affect the relationship.

You may go on about your relationship in denial about crossdressing happening and make excuses to avoid conversation about crossdressing making key communication very difficult and cause stress between each other. “Crossdressing becomes the Elephant in the room” in the relationship.

Talk - Communication is key to provide reassurance and support and to ease any fears being honest and open in the communication it gets things off your chest … as I cover later write it down its easier.

After the shock and denial anger can often be the next stage and the cold shoulder / silent treatment.

You will probably feel:

• Suspicion – what does he get upto?
• Scepticism – why is he doing this does he want to attract men?
• Frustration – why has this happened to me? Us?

The lowest point of the curve when anger starts to wear off and realisation that the change to the relationship is genuine sinks in. Communication and reassurance is key here as morale may at this point be very low affecting self esteem and self-doubt maybe anxiety.

Feelings may be hard to express from both sides of the problem and depression is also possible for both from this change to the relationship and also from the crossdresser in guilt of how this is affecting his partner.

You have to try to keep communication positive and avoid isolation and move past this stage using perspective.

There may be a tendency to fixate on small issues or problems often to the detriment of the discussion and any progress or agreement about crossdressing and may even cause argument.

You can gain reassurance that you are not alone and that others have and are going through the same or similar experiences it is crossdressing nothing more but an explanation of why one crossdresses must be given to a certain extent although for most of us we don’t know exactly why we do it.

At this stage you may come to compromise and in terms of crossdressing

·        If you have to crossdress you do it alone when I’m out and leave no trace

·        You can do it when I’m home but I don’t want to see you dressed up

·        If you dress up please warn me and don’t hide it from me so I know not to walk in and see you

Personally we went through this up to the point I comment on in a later blog where my wife decided to face her fears and meet me face to face crossdressed.

After the darker emotions with good honest open communication you can reach levels of acceptance. BUT BEWARE – Set limits of acceptance and to the Crossdresser in the relationship if given an inch don’t take a mile!!

Optimism can develop and acceptance that some form of change is inevitable so you can begin to work with change rather than bury your head in the sand and ignore what’s going on.

This can bring

·        Exciting new opportunities in a relationship

·        Relief that this change has been survived

·        A closer relationship

The final steps if you get this far involve integration with the focus on the future and a sense of progress. This new situation provides the following feelings:

·        Greater Acceptance of one another’s feelings and the “Crossdressing Situation”

·        Trust follows good open honest communication

·        Honesty and a secret shared

I hope you get to this stage.

Each person reacts individually to change.

This blog explains how my wife and myself reacted, talked and got through the weird admission of "I like to dress in womens clothes... I'm a Crossdresser"

Some people may spend a lot of time or remain in stage 1-2 of the change Curve whilst others may skip straight to step 3 or 4. (See Karen Adlers book something to confess as Karen flew through these stages in a matter of weeks)

Moving from stage 1 to 2 to 3 is most common and there’s no right or wrong way about this but open communication is always key yet prone to clamming up and burring your head in the sand.

Some reach stage 4 Acceptance which can only be good in a relationship but not to the detriment of anyone’s health should you move onto stage 4 but really you’re at stage 2 or 3.

In my experience from time to time you can move from 3 back to 2 and other iterations which is why open honest communication is vital.

Please continue reading the blog if this intro on the Kubler-Ross change curve  makes sense and seems feasible in relation to crossdressing.

I hope the blog will help you understand what I believe to be the trans spectrum ie the differing degrees of crossdressing and how myself and my wife progressed through this strange phenomenon. The rest of the blog I suppose outlines that the Kubler-Ross curve is something we actually went through without realising it until I stumbled apon it via a google search....

Added Oct 13 as a starting point as my Blog went off into the Trans Spectrum and i thought thats no use initially to anyone coming here looking for answers as to why their other half crossdresses and what to do next? So here goes..,. May not apply to everyone but some advice from me from my experiance

So, I’ve read some yahoo / google pleas for help and also some on TVChix in the SO forum asking the Question “My Husbands told me he’s a crossdresser I don’t know how I feel, but I’m scared and don’t know what to think or what to say”

“I love him but this is just not him? why is he doing this to me? why is he dressing up as a woman? is it my fault? Does this mean he’s gay? Does he want a sex change? What will people think of me if they find out my husband crossdresses? What do we do now? I cant confide in anyone…”

A horrid predicament for a woman to face and deal with so many questions all of them WHY? And yet we don’t have all the answers.

Its so hard to talk about and easily upsetting for women to hear we men like to dress up as a woman and to what extent we do it.. ie I dress fully and try to look as convincing as I can as “Davina” but why? I haven’t got a clue really it just feels nice and is fun ..

SO, what next you need to talk you need an outlet you want answers yet both you and your husband have clammed up.. he’s now guilty as hell for putting you through his secret… he was hoping you’d say “oh wow that’s cool lets see you dressed up” but you’ve said “oh my God what does this mean for our relationship!!”

My advice is write down your fears and some questions, sit down and pick your way through what you’ve written and answer them… hey you yes you now you’ve told her you like to dress up are you gonna answer her questions honestly as here’s your big chance… what you’ve bottled it? Ok it is hard so write down the reply to her questions and give it back to her to read but be there for her to answer any follow up queries and whilst at it tell her what you would like out of it from your significant other … to what extent would you like her to be involved… be honest its now out there so tell her exactly how it makes you feel and what youd like to do next..

Good luck… take your time … if you do get your wife GFs acceptance of this fetish or lifestyle or whatever it is you’re very lucky… don’t push your luck and take it at her pace…

So what do you write?

Well write what you want to know starting with the big 3:

• Are you Gay or Bisexual?
  • Do you dress as you? a) fancy men or b) want men to fancy you?
• Do you want a sex change?
• At some point will this escalate to a sex change or do you feel like a woman trapped in a mans body?
• What can I do to make it stop? Don’t you fancy me any more? Aren’t I enough woman for you?
• Is it my fault you dress up as a woman>

So the big 3 with some spin offs and next:

• Why do you dress?
• When do you dress?
• How long have you crossdressed?
• How long have you sat on this secret?
• Does anyone else know?
• Are you on a T girl website?
• Do you chat to other T girls?
• Have you ever met another Crossdresser
  • What did you do / talk about?
• Is meeting other crossdressers something you want to do?
• What do you want from me?
• What level of acceptance do you need?
• Total? Ie dress together and be ok with seeing you dressed?
• Part? Ie help with aspects of dressing maybe a makeover and buying things but no other part
• Ignore it?: ie arrange alone time for you but not seeing you?
• Do you want to go out dressed?
• Does anyone else know? Do you want anyone else to know?
• Can I confide in anyone?
• How will this affect our relationship?
• What about the kids?

I’m sure there are other questions but these maybe a start in the letter I mentioned in my last blog?

Good luck – and if you need a shoulder to cry on leave me a message or email me CDTRA007@hotmail.com

For anyone who’s new to this whole phenomenon of men dressing up as Women here’s a starting point and something to get your head around…

I believe from reading articles and books on Crossdressing and also from chatting to other Crossdressers and Wives and Girlfriends ‘on line’ that there is a “Trans Spectrum” for want of a better description…. “Reasons and motives why people Crossdress”, to “What Extent” and possibly even to Why”

Its no different from any other type of society in life really where people who are essentially the same, “differ” in some way or another.

This blogs about Crossdressing so I’ll type a little about the “Trans Spectrum” in the next few blogs to split it out and allow comment…

To make it easier to envisage, the “Trans Spectrum” could be a sliding scale East To West…. You can write here...

Before I carry on with the explanation of what I believe is the “Trans Spectrum”, the one thing Significant Others (Wives and Girlfriends) are worried about is their partners “Sexuality”…

I don’t personally believe, that the ‘Trans Spectrum’ is any different from the “Non-Trans Spectrum” in terms of sexuality.

Eg In the “General Public Spectrum” out of 100 people the vast majority will be “Straight”, a percentage “Bi-Sexual” and some percentage “Gay”.

I would hope The same Percentages apply to people on the “Trans Spectrum”.

…So just because he/she likes to Crossdress it doesn’t mean you have to worry about his/her Sexuality.

My wife asked me if I was Gay the answer was No.. A difficult question to ask and to be asked.. You need an honest answer so its worth asking.

I chat on TvChix and although sexuality doesn't apply to me and why I crossdress a lot it seems do wander from the straight and narrow :(You can write here...

On the East Side the man who tries on his wifes lingerie for the first time.

Some men stop here at the first time and feel some sort of guilt for having done it.

Some men may try it again and once in a while slip into Lingerie.

Moving further West along the spectrum he may decide to try on some hosiery (Stockings / Tights) and further still high heels.

Further along the journey possibly wondering how a dress might feel and look on…

I suppose Most Crossdressers had this journey upto this point and as with each step West on the Trans Spectrum some stop here….

Along the Trans Spectrum and throughout Crossdressing is the “URGE” to Crossdress… This comes and goes .. for me with times of stress.

THE URGE is explained from my point of view in a future blog.

You can write here...

At some point a Crossdresser will have "dressed up" for a while but may become driven to see if he could look convincing and will try makeup.

This can be a Eureka moment and revelation that he can look quite passable with some practise as a woman...

Partners also see FUN in the blog as making up your partner can be a fun experiance

In the part of the Trans Spectrum above the joining of a website such as TVChix requires an “alias”..

I don’t think of myself as someone else… I’m not a schizophrenic or anything its just a name OK! 

I chose the name for my profile on TVChix for anonymity and as a reference “Davina”

I’ve added this here but this query may be anywhere along the Trans Spectrum.

Am I the only Tranny in the Village?

So we Google it… We read up on it, some of the web pages make us reflect on why we dress and we can disassociate with.

I came across a Website called “TVChix” which I tentatively joined and began chatting to other Crossdressers and also to some accepting Wives and Girlfriends… There are others out there

This suddenly becomes a reference for working out and beginning to understand why you Crossdress, and others Crossdress and the broad spectrum that is the Trans Spectrum exists.

I chose to share this site with my Wife as I didn’t want her stumbling across it or wonder what I was doing typing away.

There’s even a Forum to post a question and wait for relevant answers.

It probably comes as no surprise to anyone reading this that the revelation moment of makeup and looking passable as a woman would lead onto the purchase of a wig…

It’s like an automatic step to want to see how you could make yourself look that little bit more convincing and an obvious one out of curiosity to see just how convincing you could look.You can write here...

So here’s where I believe the Mid point of the Trans Specturm sits…. It’s where I am at the moment.

I’ve gone past the trying things on, the dress, the makeup revelation and the first wig…

Now if I can’t dress up fully, with makeup and a wig and look as passable as possible, then I don’t dress up.

The fact of the matter is my Crossdressing is now “Self-Limited” to when I get the opportunity to dress fully or not at all.

The Mid point – The Crossdresser who has to look the full package or doesn’t dress at all and enjoys the R&E – Relaxation and Escapism from the Alpha male life style and presented as a Woman.

From this point onwards I’m guessing the motivation and needs / urges so will roll it up into only three more blogs

The next Step along to the right of centre is “Going out Dressed as a Woman”

It ranges from:

-         Going out in the car for a drive dressed up

-         Walking round the block dressed up

-         Walking in some deserted area dressed up

-         Getting More Daring going Shopping dressed up

-         Crossdressing venues dressed up (meeting others)

-         “Normal” venues dressed up

These are the next perceived steps

I know very little about this so welcome comments but some Crossdressers decide to live as a woman and some go even further. 

I have to end the trans spectrum here as I can't really comment, would upset someone at this stage.

I decided to write my Wife a letter which I then sat down with her and answered her questions as she read it. 

It upset her reading about my dressing but it opened up communication about it and allowed me to give her some assurances about what I'm not. We even laughed about it in parts which was better than tears.

If you can't talk about it write it down but be there to answer any questions asked and answer Honestly.

There’s a definite URGE to wanting to Crossdress.. it becomes a hobby even or a habit which some Crossdressers try to stop… go cold turkey… give up …. But the URGE returns and you can’t help yourself but dress up the next opportunity you get.

Its hard to explain but an example might be Chocolate.. Sometimes you get an URGE to have a bar of Chocolate… You eat it and the URGE disappears (unless you’re greedy) and then you don’t fancy Chocolate for a few weeks.

Crossdressing is the same for many get the URGE to dress up and once done it and returned to male attire the need to Crossdress dissipates until the URGE returns for some R&E.

Some women dress up as men (This can be done fairly openly), but it's overwhelmingly men who like to dress as women.

People from all walks in society Crossdress, however, I’ve found a lot of people to be intelligent with a good sense of humour.

I don't think I can bracket a stereotype person who is more likely to be a crossdresser as the  spectrum is too far and wide.

You can write here...

A person who likes to wear the clothes of the opposite sex (Basically).

Many people will think.... 'Crossdressing for sexual pleasure', 

some cross-dressers just feel comfortable – rather than aroused when they put on clothing deemed by society as belonging to opposite sex.

Crossdressing can range from trying on items of clothes to getting fully made up in make up and a wig and fully dressed up in underware and a dress hosiery and high heels.

Some people who Crossdress do not like the term ‘Transvestite’ or “Tranny”, preferring to describe themselves as ‘Cross-dressers’ and recently “T-Girls”.

The Internet claims that the incidence of Crossdressing in men is now about 1 in 100 on some research sites.

There’s not really any way to establish if this is correct as there are many levels of acceptance in the Crossdresser himself and a lot tend to remain to coin a frame "In the closet" hidden away and secret as they don’t want to be stereotyped by societies rules on genderYou can write here...

No one really knows. 

No matter what you read on the internet, reasons are vast.

A dress is a garment worn by Women as Society deems that a dress belongs to a woman not a man and lipstick is a Womans not a man and jeans belong to men not women?

Reading on the Net Psychologists have apparently decided Crossdressing comes within the normal range of male behaviour.

Some make a living as a “Drag Queen” on stage.

Others like Lilly Savage and  Eddie Izzard help to bring Crossdressing into the mainstream.....

Everyone likes Eddie Izzard  ….if only more celebs would come out of the closet I think we'd be surprised but wouldn't it help society realise Crossdressings not some weird fetish or perverted behaviour?

What we do know is there are lots of men Crossdressing in the UK and across the globe… no one can put a firm answer to why……

Some are relieved that their fears were misplaced and their Wives of Girlfriends enter into the spirit of the whole thing and actually help

But beware…. Test the waters with a program on TV …. or an article in a magazine or newspaper to find out others thoughts on Crossdressing before your wade in and tell people you're a crossdresser.

Most women are brought up in a way that conditions them to be traditional "Men don’t wear dresses, Women do" some think this to such an extent that relationships have ended due to crossdressing.

Should a Crossdresser reveal to his friends, family that he is a crossdresser?

A lot of thought and stress can be generated deciding on what’s best to do and it must be handled and approached carefully as sad to say its ended some relationships.

Many feel frustrated that they have to keep this part of their life a secret....

Telling someone is so difficult.

At first I could not bring myself to tell my wife that I was a crossdresser for fear of upsetting or even loosing her from what I'd read on the subject

If you decide to tell someone:

Write down what you want to say..have some backup info at hand… try to second guess what they might ask or want to know… maybe test the water first

We’re conditioned not to show emotions… perhaps we Crossdress for the emotional release as much as stress relief…. Let our barriers down in private and in a dress?

Brought up to be boys who don't cry told to be strong and brave.. We hide emotions through not wanting to let our fathers down and to become the hunter gatherer protector like our fathers.

But we do feel emotion we can show female traits of emotion and caring but conditioning program's us to hide it and show a hard face to it..

What many wives will think of course is that for many men crossdressing is an intensely sexual activity.

For many it is a turn on although some men grow out of it and merely enjoy crossdressing.

There isnt really correlation between crossdressing and Sex as men think about sex every 6 secconds anyway so nothing unusual.

Some men turn to crossdressing as part of a release from “Sexual Frustration”

Most relationships get to this stage at some point and you question yourself and it really plays tricks with your mind if your other half suddenly “goes off sex”

-         Is there something wrong with me?

-         Doesn’t she fancy me any more?

-         Is she getting it elsewhere?

-         Is it the crossdressing?

Women seem to have less of a sex drive than men and can loose their sex drive altogether mainly through contentment I can only surmise?

Some may crossdress as a sexual frustration release. 

It's true isn't it women opt more for comfort than a sexy look.

Hard for us men to accept and get our heads round.. To a man why wouldn't a woman want to look sexy all the time? Even more so for a crossdresser who loves trying to look like a sexy woman.

Most men have a thing for stockings and sexy lingerie and wish their wives would surprise them wearing something sexy..

Maybe crossdressing makes up for this?

Even though my wife knows I dress im still discrete about dressing and don’t rub it in her face 

Given an inch we’ll want to take a mile, but pull in the reigns on yourself and take things slow…

Its still a hard thing for a wife or girlfriend to accept especially as acceptance boundaries are pushed

Search the internet…. You’ll find definitions of Crossdressing, Transvestism Transexualism etc but they still don’t explain “Why men Crossdress” and don’t cover all men who Crossdress to different degrees.

Transvestite - A person who Crossdresses. Ie Anyone who wears clothing that is usually associated with the opposite sex could be called a transvestite.

The word comes from Latin “Trans” = across, and “Vesta” = clothing so it really means Crossdressing.

Also, do women consider themselves a Transvestite when wearing what is deemed as masculine clothing? The answer is No

The word Transvestite seems to stir a negative connotation in peoples minds when someone is described as a Transvestite or a “Tranny”.

Crossdressing describes the actions more clearly to the Latin and according to society views on one form of clothing and look belonging to a man and another to a woman.

I think T-Girl, a more modern word covers others who not only “Crossdress” but put on makeup and a Wig and try to look convincing as a woman?

You can write here...

A synonym I’ve recently come across in reading is “Femmophile” 

It describes a form of behavior and personality expression characterized by a desire to wear the clothing of the opposite gender and to attempt to look like someone of the opposite gender for the “love and attraction” of that gender.

The love of the Feminine or a love of Women and can be applied to persons whose interest is solely in the feminine gender role.

Most Crossdressers like myself have “Guilt” if that’s the right word from a young age and have never been able to free themselves from their Crossdressing Urges, desires or thoughts. Society makes us feel guilty but there’s no harm in it…

Some Crossdressers I chat to have thought about a form of Professional counselling…. I don’t feel I need counselling but would if my wife thought it was a good idea.

Even if wives acceptance ranges from a total embrace of Crossdressing or to a limited occasional activity… guilt for “putting them through our Crossdressing remains”

Being open, honest and understanding a husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend who both come to terms with Crossdressing will add dimensions to their relationship that are unique providing an additional close bond of a deep secret shared.

There is something else that can be shared…….the wardrobe, makeup, lingerie, hosiery and if you’re lucky shoes and even “girl talk”. (things you wouldn’t usually talk to eachother about as husband and wife)

Worth reinstating that communication is the key and you also have to understand your Wifes feelings and help her in coming to terms with you as a Crossdresser.

You also have to understand any undermining and underpinning insecurities she may have about herself as woman which Crossdressing isn't helping.

Some use Crossdressing as a tool to express fetish behaviour or the Crossdressing is their fetish.

Most fetish behaviour focuses on a specific aspect of clothing such as high heeled shoes, lingerie or stockings and suspenders ranging into BDSM which I have no experience with so won't go into it.. Feel free to commentYou can write here...

It comes hand in hand with Stress.

At times I’ve probably suffered with depression mainly due to work and sexual frustration and money worries.

I won't admit to it to myself let alone others as it seems like a weakness which people would tell me is stupid.

Not a reason to Crossdress, it can be a catalyst.

Crossdressing can release endorphins that are shown to help battle depression and this is one of the reasons I Crossdress as I feel better during and after doing it.

These endorphins can become addictive, I believe Crossdressing can be an effective tool for self-medication.

 If you're lucky as a couple you can find the fun in crossdressing.

Crossdressers who dress for fun in this way still relate strongly to their male role but just wish to express an aspect of feminine, or mimic women for a short time.

It's fun Transforming, playing with makeup, dressing up and trying to look convincing..