Self Esteem Issues??

My wifes away on a course so just me and the kids in and they're watching a film "Galaxy Quest" remember it?  and I've done the washing, cooking and cleaning so some time available to blog tonight and answer more queries I've had emailled to me or have chatted about.

noun: self-esteem - confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect

Self esteem i feel is something us men take for granted and dont fully understand but I see it at all ages in girls and women with kids self esteem low due to something in school.. friends one minute not the next all too quick to grow up and compare and in grown women also with self esteem issues which I'll try to cover below.

You dont see this so much in the male of the species.

Chatting to a girlfriend of a crossdresser in TVChix she told me her self esteem has been knocked further by her partners admittance that he is a crossdresser. I think when significant others first find out about their partners' crossdressing, some believe at first they have somehow failed their partners in some way. I'll try to explain this.

I asked her if i could blog some parts of our conversation and she said it may help others find a common pattern if i did so here goes.

She said she feels she's let her husband down in not accepting his crossdressing and also thinks she may have led him into crossdressing in the first place by not dressing sexy for him... She asked me my opinion if she was not enough for him or if it may have been her fault as he started crossdressing later in life then myself and she feels she drove him to get himself off crossdressed.

I've tried to give some assurance but not knowing her boyfriend I cant fully satisfy her questions.

They need to talk about this openly and honestly and come to a compromise but I'm 100% certain he wont relate or realise he's causing her self esteem issues.

My wife asked me as part of 3 or 4 key questions when i told her i crossdressed 'if it was her fault that I crossdressed' and i lept to 'no it's not as I crossdressed way before i met my wife' which is why this lady asked me the question as her husbands crossdressing started after they met (or so he's told her - I once thought about telling my wife she introduced me to crossdressing when she dressed me up but thought the truth was the better option.. I've crossdressed for years. I'm willing to bet the BF has Crossdressed before).

She quoted other websites on the subject in some sort of belief that she can "cure" the crossdressing if she made more effort to be a better girlfriend... her perspective not mine. What she meant by this she explained was to dress sexier for him and maybe he'd stop crossdressing. I said its upto you what you feel comfortable in doing but I doubt it would stop his crossdressing unless he really does crossdress soley because he feels she doesnt dress sexy for him. i doubt this is his sole reason but may well be part of the reason you'd have to ask him..

I told her she needs to ask him as I have no communication with him so can't give her a full answer but it's probably most definatley not her.

She said her self-esteem is at an all time low, shes gone up two dress sizes since they met and also she's jealous of how her husband looks crossdressed.

She felt he was more attractive than her as a woman and it was affecting her confidence in herself... He has told her that he isnt competing with her and I believe that as for me I just want to look as convincing as possible which is part of the fun and i'm sure he's the same. We're not competing with anyone but ourselves.

She said she feels bitter seeing him crossdressed and neither of them can understand why he crossdresses..

This is something i've gone through also (feeling bitter at one stage for getting the crossdressing off my chest which was hard to do to then have my wife set rules initially which made me feel like i might as well have not told her i did it in crossdressing but leaving no evidence that I'd been doing it)

We decided there isnt one answer to why I or anyone else crossdress there are usually many reasons.

She said He's now gone back to being withdrawn about crossdressing and communication has ceased and he's back to hiding it from her so she feels gulity and so does he.. something else i can relate to in our search for the comfort zone., I still sometimes feel guilty for crossdressing and sometimes ashamed that I've inflicted my wife with my crossdressing as she didnt ask for a husband who likes to dress fully as a woman..

Like me I told her his intention was probably never to belittle or cause her to be self consious due to his dressing as he was probably just trying to look convincing and this effect on her probably hasnt crossed his mind.

Its good to try to talk and understand where the need to crossdress comes from before the issue of either persons self-esteem can be addressed.

In my marriage we both have certain self esteem issues and I hope crossdressing isnt part of any issues as my need, want, urge to crossdress is borne of work stress, escapism from macho male life and the love of feminine image, lingerie, hosiery and high heels and how that all feels when worn.

The last thing on most crossdressers' minds is to make their partners feel worthless or to give them low self esteem.

It is important for a crossdresser to realize how his partner may be affected by his crossdressing which is why i keep preaching communication, open and honest even though it's always a hard subject to talk about.

Some wives have no problems with their husbands' other persona; My wifes said I'm nicer to her when crossdressed which I'm chuffed with on one hand and "WTF?" on the other hand as I don't think i'm any different towards her as a Man or when crossdressed but obviously I am.

Not all wives understand the motivations behind their husbands' desire to look attractive as a woman / crossdresser and take it as a personal affront to their womanliness (if thats a word).

It becomes a wantant necessary for us crossdressers then to reassure our wives or partners that our need to crossdress is not related to her ability to be a good wife or girlfriend due to something she has or is doing wrong... It certanly was for me to want to reassure my wife time and again about my masculinity and heterosexuality and my crossdressing in no way reflecting on her.

When wives for want of a better phrase "get over" crossdressing and realize they are not responsible, they can then start to make crossdressing a more positive part in their relationship giving their husband some form of anti macho release however weird it may seem.

I've chatted to a lot of couples who have gone through this and have now reached a stage where wives help and have fun with crossdressing, shopping makeup etc

I've also chatted to couples and we're one where the crossdresser  myself can help wives with makeup and also advise on fashion and accessories. There are some advantages.

Its important as a couple crossdressing or not to help the eachother conquor self-esteem issues as lifes too short to worry about it. Love eachother and Love yourself.

:)