I made a few comments some time back on your other blog - I, the wife of another alpha male, albeit the considerate kind. I'm glad you're still here writing about all this.

Did you ever discover the reason why you and my H enjoy this odd little pastime? lol. I'm sure not, but when you do I bet you'll make millions as there seem to be millions of confused men and their partners out there.

Anyway, hi again :)

Hi mrs CD xx

Nice to hear from you hope your adventure is going well and H crossdressing isn't causing you any worries.

I appreciate greatly your comments and hope this new website remains stable as the last blog was a bit unstable.

Why do we enjoy this pastime? So many different reasons but for me still relaxing and sexy to do.. Transforming from rough male me to made up Davina is enjoyable.. The feel of women's clothes and the image I can portray is pleasing to my vane eyes.

Keep contributing thanks for getting the ball rolling xxxx

In the not too distant past I have sent you a couple of comments regarding my cding. You hit it in this comment. Just got a new long, brunette wavy curls wig which was just under $100. The hair is much softer than my other 2 and it's so incredibly beautiful to wear and it has reignited the passion of cding. Like you said, "Transforming from rough male" to a pretty female image in a dress, stockings, silky dress, heels and hair piece is very provocative & sexy. Gives me the softest gentle feelings I have ever had. That's what makes it so much fun and sooooo relaxing. It's relatively new to me, and every time I transform, I like it more.

Funny how we can transform from rugged man to relaxed and feminine just by wearing womens things putting on makeup and a wig... my Wifes even commented I'm a nicer person when I'm crossdressed...

Just a quick message
Could have written this myself although my wife's not as supportive as yours she's tolerating my occasional crossdressing.
Totally relate to the urge I get it too when I'm stressed out mainly due to work.
Keep blogging.

Thanks for the post the urge does come and go I lost it for a while but it's back at the moment..

You have to respect your wife's space and take your time with it mine didn't want to see me at first but made that brave step and found it wasn't as weird as she'd thought.

Good luck Maria

Hi

Great read and so much like our situation.

Married for 10 years 2 children and both myself and husband have stressful jobs.

I was dumbfounded when he told me he was a crossdressed and that it helped him undress and he also dresses when he works from home which when he told me I laughed picturing him beavering away in one of my dresses and high heels and makeup and a wig.

The same as your wife I asked if it meant he was gay but in asking I knew he wasn't but it felt a logical question as I didn't understand it.

So I saw him dressed and he needed some help lol I removed his makeup and redid it and to be fair he looked good as a girl but needed a more expensive wig.

We talked openly and quite often about him dressing and I've found it fun helping him and enjoy his company en fem.

We've had nights in and thinking about a night out.. But both a little nervous about it.

Keep blogging its interesting. Thanks.

I do love to hear from open minded supportive wives and girlfriends as couples we do sound quite similar.

I've also mentioned a night out but it's a big step and one my wife's not up for. Hope to hear more from you xx

Hi again,
Thanks for putting up this blog, ive loved reading it

Suzie_Tanya

Thanks Suzie

I need to keep it upto date

Next topic Christmas ideal time for the undercover t girl

I put a message on your Blog page before I noticed I could also comment here with the comment box at the bottom of the page.. move it to the top and maybe you'll get more comments xx

Just saying hello my husband and I have found your experiences and insights most useful.. keep blogging.

Thanks again I've tried to move the comments to the top or side but its stuck at the bottom :(

Glad the blog has positively helped :)

Hi Davina,
I have been dressing for many years,and now dress permanently, firstly it is not a pastime,nor an urge it is a Compulsion, (A medical condition from birth). Also the correct description is Transgender.I with an American friend ran an international telephone helpline based in Nashville Tn,i am a fully trained help line operator. With certs.One side effect of needing to dress and not being able to is that it can cause depression.
I wish to thank you for your efforts in helping but in some cases the descriptions may not help Wives to understand.
Yes i do have a very understanding wife.Feel free to contact me if you wish at Theaatkew@aol.com.
Best regards
Thea

Thanks Thea

I'm always open to opinion and other options of interests, debate and experience and knowledge on this subject if it will help and not scare wives and girlfriends.

The trans spectrum is vast and everyone's reasons and thoughts are so different.

My ramblings are from my own point of view and experience and of what's worked for me in gaining my wife's acceptance, trust and shedding some of my own guilt for being a crossdresser and that of t-girls in my point along the trans spectrum with whom I've chatted to on the TVChix website.

I can only cover what I know worked for me as I mention in my blog only surmising past my point in the trans world.

I note you dress permanently so you're further along the trans spectrum than myself so will have different reasons for dressing, different thought on it and different wants and needs and that compulsion.

Our difference is for me it's a fun pastime which is drawn in by an urge to escape into Davina for a few hours.

For you it's a compulsion and you also feel it's a medical condition form birth..

I don't think it's a medical condition from birth for me it's more a fancy of women and wanting to emulate a female appearance and feel to escape my alpha maleness which seems to work with my wife noting a split in my personality between me being alpha and relaxed when crossdressed.

I can go months not dressing but the urge returns usually with stress of work and sometimes home life.

I enjoy my time dressed but always happy to return to male me.

Transgender is just one label which could cover all
crossdressing to TS but some crossdressers like myself don't like the term trans gender as I'm still a man when dressed although I feel different and relaxed my gender hasn't changed just my appearance. My wife doesn't like to think of me as a "Tranny", "Transvestite" or "Transgendered" thinking of me more as a part time crossdresser indeed she's called it fancy dress rather than calling it anything with trans in the label.

I'll drop you an email and maybe we can chat on some media yahoo chat and the like some time.

I'm not Looking past where I am on the trans spectrum as have little knowledge of it so not offering my advice to wives and girlfriends further than my own experience but if you have a similar blog taking the spectrum onto the next level I'll add it in the links on this blog and refer to it.

Thanks for the message and for checking out my blog

Hi Davina ,
Thanks for your reply My ID on Yahoo messenger is thea_hilliard@yahoo.co.uk
Thea.

Davina I've got your back..

I read with shock horror someone saying that our Urges are more a compulsion and that we're Mentally ill.

I'm not mentally ill and neither are you from what I've read of your Blog. Seems an out dated way of looking at something which society controls with points of views.

Reading what you've typed helped me face my fears and led me to telling my wife that her football playing Hubby likes to dress up as a woman and has done all my life. I used a lot of your blog with both of us talking rather writing to each other as we found it so hard to speak.

She's helped me dress up and says I look quite good as a woman but she doesn't get it although we had fun shopping for girly things for me which she took delight in watching me pay for.

She's now reading your blog bit by bit to see what might happen next. I think we're very familiar as I have a stressful job also and dress when I work from home and the wife is in work. (some close calls I can tell you)

Keep on the Crusade and don't let anyone knock you!!

Carla :)

Thanks Carla
Glad to know I'm not alone and nice to see you've told your wife and you're working through this phenomenon as opposed to a compulsion :)
Be nice to see what your wife makes of all this too.
I'm thinking of adding a tab for my wife to blog on here.
D

Fab blog good advice and lots of humour
One of the best Crossdressing blogs I've come across
Covers me spot on
married
straight
dress to stop the stress
wife now ok with it
very similar

Sandra

Thanks Sandra - were a minority in a minority but as long as we're happy.

Glad you like the blog :)

I wait in anticipation to see what your lovely wife blogs on this subject.

Shes been so understanding and must have a lot to teach other wives and girlfriends who have just been told by their husband or boyfriend that they crossdress.

I'm looking forward to reading what she has to type on the matter of crossdressing... keep blogging

Thanks again for checking the Blog... I'm so brave and full of bravado as a bloke but again I'm finding it hard to bring up the crossdressing subject with my wife..

We've had a hard time recently which I won't elaborate on .. Me and the wife are fine it's so etching else and very sad.. So crossdressing has been on the back burner but also off topic and it's so hard to get back on the topic if you leave the trail go cold....

I'll try to get her on here contributing ASAP as I'm sure she will enlighten and explain it's hard and sometimes weird but ultimately harmless..

Does your wife go to a gym?
I find if I'm stressed going to the gym takes my mind off things putting on my headphones and running on the treadmill to music or on a bike or rowing machine.
I lost 2.5 stone in the last year and I feel better about myself and dropped back to a size 14 dress.
I still have stress from work but my "thing" is getting fit which I've got a little bit addicted to.
Hope this helps and I'm glad you found time to do the thing that help you with stress. My partner is exactly the same he gets dressed up and he's like a different man from Mr moody to Mr Happy. It's strange but if it works for you go for it. X

No not at the moment no time for the gym but shes gonna start gym and slimming world - id love to lose 2.5 stone ... I'll pass it on when I think shes in the right frame of mind/mood to discuss crossdressing...
I managed dressing for a few hours and was happier after.. no chance this week I don't think :(

You've gone through so much and given this advice and now you're being silly in going back into your shell and not confiding in your wife that you have another compulsion to talk to her about your crossdressing.

You know she's fine with you dressing up what are you afraid of?

I know thanks for the reprimand .. But timing isn't great at the moment other things more important than me crossdressing occurring.

I'm working from home a few days next week to catch up with some projects and I expect I'll slip into My Inner Bitch as the wife sometimes calls her it me whatever lol maybe it will allow me to start talking about dressing again with her.

crossdresserswife.com/index.php/2009/02/20/11-crossdressing-facts/ -

Good link Tanya.

I've read that site info before in my trawl for answers through t'internet

Hey me and my other half both think you need to take a break from work reading your blog updates. Get some baby sitters and have a weekend away just you and your wife to get away from all the pressures of work and we've also noted you need to work your paid flat hours as we read into it that you are a workaholic and don't like to leave things unfinished.
Reorganisations and what's left in their wake isn't your fault or your responsibility to correct or to make work we've both seen enough reorgs to sink a ship where we both work.
So chin up and relax a little and learn to switch off.
Have a nice weekend with your family and keep away from your work laptop and phone. That's an order

Thanks I need a slap
I'm off Friday (yesterday) and Monday back in Tuesday (all day meeting so no work will get done) off with the kids Wednesday then back in Thursday's and fri (Thurs being another all day meeting which I'm double booked)

I hate having projects and analysis unfinished you're right and I like to be steps ahead but what they've done with my job has seriously hampered my ability to keep ahead and I'm falling behind. I guess I'm afraid of it reflecting badly on me not due to me but due to the fact what the reorg has done has put me in a pickle.

Phone and laptop is off and will stay off till Tuesday morning.

I will attempt to work 35 hour weeks and nothing more, to diet and to start so exercise which will make me feel better I know.

Thanks for keeping an eye on the blog and clipping me round the ear

Why work free hours ?
About time companies realised without people working in their own free time they couldn't function

Think of the time you are giving away where you could be looking after your own health or be with family and friends

You can't get that time back

You're right Suzy

It's justifying things at performance review if everything fell down.

The company gives little praise expects a lot in fact they won't say it but they expect 50 hour weeks minimum.

I will try to work 35 hour weeks from now on maybe flag up to superiors where I can't cope...

Hey Davina ,
Somehow i think you are getting things mixed up.As TG Wife says get your head around your job or quit then sort you and your wife out properly.Stop Arseing around.It sounds as if you are not carefull it could be her or the job.Talk with the Lady about both and get sorted.Good Luck Tanya ( Missisippi)

Thanks Tanya..

I do love my job I'm hoping its a life long career but being heralded as the best in the business in the UK I'm taken for granted hence at reorgs they reduce and reduce knowing I'll cope not once thinking my head may explode from the pressure constant change puts me under.

Maybe I would quit if I had a job of the same pay same flexibility and respect held to walk into but that would be difficult to find.

No chance of losing my wife and family we just need more "Us" time and need me to work less unpaid hours.

We have babysitters next weekend so looking forward to a day out with my wife and a nice meal and a fun evening / night.

We're so similar I can relate to your advice and feel your pain regarding work.

I'm a Civil Engineer and I get so much stress dished out and fed to me daily as bosses have cut cut cut and let experienced people leave so people senior and on the ground come to me with problems and seeking cheap alternative solutions to make the cuts work.

Crossdressing helps me escape all this so in your questionaire on the front I added I Crossdress for escapism.

My wife knows I crossdress and is ok with it now I showed her your blog and she was relieved to see there are others and from what she said she thinks you're pretty sensible. She also said she looks forward to reading what your wife thinks about it.

Keep blogging and chin up Davina.

Thanks Rachael

Civil Engineer hmmm when you do a degree in Civil Engineering they don't tell you about cutbacks, re-orgs or how to deal with stress :)

I will have to get my wife to start blogging as a few have asked to see her blog here and in emails

Cool Stats but I think us Married Straight Family Man, Alpha Male types are in a minority.

My wife sort of accepts me dressing.

I am free to dress when home alone and a glance of me dressed or dressing when shes gone to bed which weirdly helps me unwind at the end of a stressful day is ok but she doesn't want to see me dressed all the time or spend any time with me dressed up. I see you got past that your wife facing her fears about being with your alter ego socially.

I'd love to try a girls night in but feel a little weird and ashamed for wanting it.

Maybe stats on the levels of Sort of accepting in the next poll.

Great Blog really helping me come to terms with crossdressing im 27 and married for 4 years and she caught me trying on her wedding dress lol I actually got stuck in it and she had to help me get out whilst shouting at me oops. She didn't see the funny side so 4 days after we got married she discovered she'd married a crossdresser.

Was just about to post a hello as me and Davina chat sometimes on Chix and I finally finished reading her advice and blog and saw Hannah has seconds a go posted.

Lol wedding dress been there done that Hannah.

As Davina states in her blog theres this trans spectrum and you yourself are on that spectrum and seems feeling a little ashamed. don't worry about that it comes and goes.

Your wife is also in a transition of acceptance who knows curiosity may get the best of her and like Davina you may have some eureka moment as she described it where your wife asks to see you dressed or asks you more questions like what do you do when you dress?

My wife had similar caught me dressed freaked out then went into a cazillion questions why ? what do you do? how long you been doing this?

We had the girly nights in pampering eachother and we've been out to Sparkle a few times which we both enjoyed. Liberating to be out an about as Rebecca.

What has happened with us is when I'm a man I'm very much master of the house but when were together both as "girls" she feels more dominant over me which I kinda like. So nice to find t-girls on the same wavelength and some nice Real Girls commenting here too. Well done Davina great blog very insightful.

Hi Rebecca
It is nice to know there are others on the level like you and me or you and I... I told my wife .. I'm sure I'd have got caught one day and had some close calls along the way living at home dressing and dressing before I told my wife.. Glad she didn't catch me.

Not had a girls night in for over a year.. Have a hubby and wife day planned Saturday with baby sitters can't wait but I'll stay in man mode.

Thanks Rebecca

Nail hit on the head married straight family men who Crossdress in the overall scheme of the trans spectrum are in a minority or so I feel from chatting and posting in the forums on TVChix...
Which is why some on there have sent me angry posts in the forums on my blog being called why do men crossdress which you can see I've now elaborated on in the welcome page.

My wife's rules went from dress when I'm out to that fateful day when she came upstairs face to face and told me my wig was crap. Maybe your wife will do the same communication is key if you want to move to a next stage and if she's willing to move with you. At some point you'll find a nice balance.

Our girls night in I felt weird but a few glasses of wine and voila was fine and the second time my wife wanted to see me transform which was nerve wracking lol.

Wedding dress yes did that the day after we got married she was in the bath I tried on the lingerie stockings dress and heels quite erotic lol...

I've noticed it too the lady's have started wearing black tights and high heels to work and round town.. So refreshing compared to bare leafs and flip flops for the last few months.

Don't like these dark nights though

Are you in Narnia or some warmer climate where women wear bare leafs? I hope you mean legs lol.

Would you Adam and Eve it..

D

Hi Davina,
I've just been reading your blog (well, actually, I've had a lazy Sunday and found myself coming back to it and reading more and more!). I wanted to say thanks for taking the time to put it together...I almost could have written most of it myself, it rings so true :)
Like you I've struggled with the Tranny police on a certain well-known website, so it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I think most web forums attract a particular kind of dominant personality, who can end up (knowingly or not) shouting down voices that they identify as dissenting.
I told my wonderful, beautiful girlfriend about my dressing last summer. Scariest thing I've ever done, by a country mile! She's been wonderful. Although she doesn't really understand (which is ok, because I don't either), she supports me in my need to express my feminine side. So much so, that she bought me a 3 hour makeover for my birthday :) She's not happy seeing me dressed, though, even though she's seen a picture of me. Maybe that'll come in time. If I could get over my nerves, I love the idea of a girly night in...although I also recognise that she needs to feel that she's the woman in our relationship.
Tricky this stuff, isn't it?
The urge to put on some nice lingerie, a pretty dress and some sexy heels is so powerful and the feelings it evokes so strong, it's odd we can't work out where it comes from. But it does feel so good, doesn't it?
I'll stop rambling, but I wanted you to know how much I appreciate your efforts.
Take care (and maybe work a little less ;))
Sara
X

Thanks for the post Sara

Again nice to know there are some level headed Crossdressers / T-Girls about and also nice that you recognise the "Tranny Police" the been there worn the T-shirt brigade who are hell bent on being right and we're wrong as we're straight and in happy relationships with accepting wives or girlfriends.

Maybe its a jealous thing?

Anyway nice of you to add the above here - I'll keep blogging.

D

We're the best kind of Crossdresser honest to ourselves and to our other halves.

I've learnt to laugh at the so called Tranny Police living in their bubble of beliefs

D

You should put a chat facility on this blog

So many like minded people we'd probably talk about football, rugby and beer.

Seriously though a chat function would be cool I'm always checking in here to see what's been added in the guestbook and that's getting as interesting as the Blog sorta slow chatting over many days between likeminded crossdressers

The Tranny Police need not apply!!

Seconded

Come on Davina sort chat out on your blog Pleeeease

No idea how to put chat here so this is the best I can do lol..

Chat over many days

I guess for chat I'd have to pay for the pro version on webnode... this one is Freeee and I like Freeee things

D

really great talking to you today Davina. Great website. I don't care if you are straight I fancy the hell out of you !

Lynzy xx

Haha yes nice to chat via tvchix.
As for Fancying the hell out of me there is no hell in me I'm pure as snow.
Nice to see my trying to look fem being appreciated lol.
My wife will laugh at someone saying they fancy me as my alter ego haha.

I'd never thought about perfume before.. Painting my nails and worrying if the varnish would come off yes and the smell of nail varnish but never perfume.

My wife wears diamonds perfume Armani and I love the smell on her it has an effect on me as you say about some perfumes like there's a veto one in it that makes a man horney.

So yesterday having caught up on your blog I had opportunity to dress up and I said to her can I try your perfume as I love the smell on you and she agreed.

The problem is I think she must have given me cats pi$$ in a bottle as it smelt revoulting on me. I'm now determined to find one that smells nice on me. My wife said we can go to Boots and sneak samples on me when no ones looking how exciting.

Haha well like I said perfume and aftershave for that matter smells different on different people.. Seriously tho was it really Cats Pi$$?

Did you offer to spray some on you're beloved just to check

My wife thinks you need to turn some of your blog into a book and get it on Amazon.

Your Help and Advice has helped us get over me confessing that after 2 years of being wed that I've always crossdressed which shocked hell out of my wife and I directed her to your help and advice blog and she said reading your personal blog also helped her relate some stuff as you and I seem very similar.

Thank you

You'd write a good book no doubt.

Would you want to out yourself as the author though?

Not sure how it works.
I could use a psudoname then only the publisher would know my real identity?

I've read a few books on the subject of Crossdressing and identified with some of the text but not all.
I suppose I could put something down into a book chapter and verse type of thing if people think it would help.
Maybe some time in the future I will.
Thanks
D

How come Lynzys seen you? To fancy hell out of you?? Lol
When do us readers get a chance to see a pic of you crossdressed?

There is a pic of my eyes on here that's all that's going here.

Email me and I can send you a link to my TVChix profile where I have a few photos :)

Like a few others on here just like to say thanks for the blog.

My husband came out as a Crossdresser recently and I was devastated.

He gave me your blog to read as he says your reasons and his are very similar for wanting to crossdress.

If he's telling the truth and he is straight and dresses up for fun and escapism then what the hell no harm done.

Christmas shopping will be easier this year to stop him borrowing my things

Sharon from S wales

Hi Sharon glad the blogs helped

For some reason today I find myself recalling my crossdressing life.. perhaps its because I read a book by Karen Adler with tales of crossdressing and I'm finding it funny looking back.. Always fab to see someone coming to terms with crossdressing as long at its open and honest

I've just read you crossdressing history so similar to mine I'd wear anyone's clothes left laying about even soiled let alone clean on radiators. Even my mum in laws when they were on holiday and me and my girlfriend house sat there was my gas, her older sisters and her mums wardrobe to peruse at my leisure bing in college as my wife was in work I'd have half day no classes come home and decide hmm. What to wear.
Terrible thinking back but only a bit of fun and needs must to satisfy the urge to crossdress. Keep blogging.

Thanks Teresa mad what we'd do to grab a crossdressing fix....

That's the thing we all want to hear our wives saying something like wow you could pass as a woman. It's what we look to achieve or I do anyway.

It's not about the knickers and basques and the thrill so much it's the effort put into trying to look convincing and it sounds like you pull that off well if your wife thinks you could pass.

Still think you need to write a book.

J

Thankyou Jodie

I have thought about the book.. maybe I will one day when I have the time.

It was very nice to hear her utter the words.. you could pass as a woman etc as the other day she said she sees me as just me in makeup and a wig... I like what I see in the mirror anyway lol

Just a hi to say Thankyou for the advice in this website..

My wife Emma came home early and caught me Tracy in all my splendour fully Crossdressed just sat at home cup of tea in hand watching Loose women on the telly and I she comes said oh hello .. Do I know you closely followed by oh my god..

That was an afternoon to remember and a night of tears and lots of questions.

I'd read your advice top to bottom and an avid reader of your blogs but thought nah not for me I'll stay in the closet and keep Tracy to myself but we found writing it all down was easy to help us both gain understanding and tell the truth about how we both feel and suffice to say she (Emma) read your advice and some of your blog and has rapidly come to terms with me dressing for some of the same reasons as you escapism and a bit of fun.

As they say thanks and keeeeep blogging

Thanks Tracy I bet you're glad that your Crossdressing is out in the open.

Be careful not to over do it as Emma may rapidly go the other way communication is key keep talking and remain honest about it.

D

Enjoying your blog Davina, just started reading it

Thanks Nicole..

Hope you had a good Christmas and your wife got Savina a few things for Christmas.

I did my husband a stocking for him and for his alter Ego his eyes lit up when he started unwrapping lingerie, stockings a pair of high heels and some makeup plus I bought him a nice brunette wig off ebay.

We had a girls night in last night and I helped him dress and helped with his makeup and he does make a good looking woman. Thanks to your blog I got over my shock quickly and I think we're at the same stage as you and your wife..

It was a fun girls night in

Happy new year and keep blogging

Xxxx

Happy New Year Davina

You want to get yourself out and about as Davina in 2015

Walk the walk as a girl in public or at a T-Girl venue.

Let me know and me and my wife will join you if you ever do BNO.

Happy New Year Davina

Your blogs really helped us keep it going in 2015

Xxxx

Happy New Year Davina xxxx

Emma

Happy new year Davina x

Hope you had a good Christmas come on next blog please x

H
X

I'll echo below and say happy New Year Davina oh and I agree write a book!!!

Suzy

Thanks to all for the Happy New Years

I hope 2015 and onwards will be a better year than 2014 which we'll and truly sucked.

I'll add some blogs soon.. Had a surreal dream to tell you about

Happy New Year Readers!

D

Hi Davina thank you for your marvellous insight into crossdressing.Its really good to see all the prospective questions being answered here.Good luck with your future blogs SAVVY XX

Thanks Savanna..

Some don't like the blog but from my perspective it's what works for me and has also helped my wife come to terms with coming home lunch time finding me dressed as a woman working from home once or twice a month.

I've added a few more bits and pieces to my blog today.. Really surreal dream included

Just read your latest blog the dream.

Do you have a gut feeling your wife wants to tell someone eg her best friend?

How do you feel about that?

How do you think her friend would react?

Would it be a shock if that dream came true?

Sorry for the questions but i told my best friend and she was like wow really id never guess but its cool. I was relieved she didnt say run for the hills. Shes said to me shed love to meet Tracy crossdressed. Ive not asked him / her but i guess he reads your blog so whatever lol.

Dont think wed do that but who knows lol. Big step outing my husband to her but i trust her explicitly.

our xmas was also mad crowded by family. Just tell them you can visit next year but later on in the day once youre settled and the kiddiewinks have opened everything

Emma Tracys wife lol

Hi Emma thanks for the message

Not sure if my wife wants our secret out there incase people slip up tell others, people form opinions unfounded ones etc

If my wife wanted to confide in someone I'd have no problem with it I'm not ashamed to Crossdress

I'm sure knowing her best friend she'd be shocked if you read my blog I've told her I dress and she played along even guessing my name but at the end of the banta said as if you'd crossdress.. But her friend would probably think it was fab knowing her and want to see me dressed.. Like in the dream

It would be a shock if it came true my wife's in control of this

Was it good getting it off your chest to your friend... Will she keep the secret?

D

I understand her point of view on not wanting anyone to know but it was burning a hole in my pocket I had to get a second opinion on crossdressing and my friend was very supportive and surprised but interested also. I don't know what I'd have done if she'd have said omg that's aweful pack his bags.

Glad to see you've had some time Crossdressed it was horrible going back to work anything you can prescribe as stress relief for us women? I don't think dressing as a man would do it for me lol

Emma X

Great Profile and your Blog is Fantastic Makes a great read keep it up and hope you and your wife have all the fun you deserve xxxxxxx

Thanks Paul

Your dreams mean you wife wants to share her beautiful Crossdressing husband with her friends and show them your probable softer side as opposed to the macho man they know.

Wonder what dream you'll have tonight..

Maybe it will turn into an Orgy lol

Not told my wife about my dreams yet will tell her tonight

All this wisdom and witt is there a chance of seeing a photo of the Blogger Davina????

Great Blog love your dreams are the girls in your dream sexy?

There you got digitise and black and white photo

I'm not putting one here that someone might recognise me from tho

Wow you look pretty hot

From your black and white pic it looks like you look nice as a woman. Tracy is also quite convincing.

When is your wife going to start the part of the blog set aside for her?

I'm interested as other RG followers of your blog no doubt to hear her side of the story.. And to see if she's told her friends, sister and boss about you lol

Emma

I'll ask her again she said no first time..

No she's not told anyone about me lol.. No chance to dress for a week or two coming up time to be all manly and grow a beard

Sooooooo
Would you let your wife dress you up and dominate you make you her sissy French maid and make you bring her wine or whatever she wanted?

Bring her wine and whatever she wanted? I pretty much do that anyway so may as well be in our French maids outfit.
I've not worn it in front of her yet.. Think I'd give the house a good tidy up as a French maid.

I do kinda like the idea of her being in charge I think.. But not sure I'm sub I'd probably switch lol

Just read your advice and its convinced me to tell my wife I crossdress.

It's cool also as it relates to your own experience in your personal Blog.

Please ask your wife to blog also so we get both perspectives.

It would be cool if she would do a timeline blog from her dressing you up that one time to you admitting you dressed to today ... Fingers crossed for us both and I hope you get that girls night in and baby sitters soon... My dream to be made up by my wife and sip wine as girls watching chick flicks.. Let my softer side out

Carl lol Carla

I'm sat here now all dolled up doesn't seem to phase my wife any more but I was still nervous.

She should blog her feelings and thoughts would be cool.

Good luck with your wife.. We're going to watch the fault in our stars or whatever

Hi well I told my wife and she cried and was scared and worried that I was some kind of nutter or pervert.

I said ok I've shocked you please read this blog as the guy who's written it also crossdresses and is very similar to me.

It took a few days of silence hardly talking but this weekend she read your advice and we've started talking she wrote down some questions and I answered them truthfully.

She's even read and been amused by your personal blog.

She's not seen me Crossdressed yet but says she will soon and she's said she would help with my makeup.

Thanks again for a wonderful guide how to co e out to have this resource on hand has helped us no end.

So cool best of luck

Fab Blog read it start to finishs in one sitting so much good advice I think I'm ready to tell my wife that I Crossdress using your blog as a place of reference for her.

Would be even more viable if your good wife would add her thoughts fears and advice too.. Please ask her again if she will contribute x

Diane..

Hi Diane

Thanks for the message

Did you go through with telling your wife and if you did is everything ok?

I will ask my wife again I've put some headings together to show her and who knows maybe she will blog

Hi thanks for this blog like others I'd like to hear your wifes views on here also if she would be so good. :)

What I'm struggling with is my comfort zone I constantly have different levels of acceptance with my husband one minute I'm repulsed the next I'm ok with it.

It is nice to get fashion advice and to borrow some of his things lol

I've also emailed you if that's ok x

Lorna x

Hi Lorna thanks for your email and message above.

I've blogged a little about acceptance levels and comfort zones as per my email back to you I hope it will be useful.

Thanks Davina

You seem a good roll model crossdresser..

I hope you get some new perfume lol

Lorna

You really sound like work is getting to you why not consider a new direction or turn your blog into a book and sell it on Amazon I'm sure your take on why we Crossdress will interest a lot of people and allay some fears and misconceptions that should make you some money then go on this morning and meet your idol Miss Willabobbie as yourself or Davina and show the world you're just a normal guy who loves women and likes to try to look like a woman every now and then for escapism from the world.

Have a nice weekend.

Unfortunately even though work is stressful and can turn the air blue it's also convenient when I need it to be and I have the respect earned over years .. Just wish respect = paying me what I'm worth compared to others in work.. Now the Cons are back in another 5 years of tribulation and no pay rises .. This time maybe strikes and more marches.

I may consider writing a book but do you think people would really pay to read my life as a Crossdresser? Plus then the chance of being outed.. Not dressed for a few weeks as on this macho led fitness obsession but no doubt I'll be back in a dress soon..

So if you write a book about xdressing you worry about being outed if you read your wife's blog she has told some of her friends .If what you say in your blog is true much of your trouble is that you insist that you are straight Alpha Male.So 95%of TV/CD are straight.drop the alpha male attitude you don't know it all you only think you do. it really takes all sorts like Str8 Bi and Gay we are all classed as TG Across the Genders.We have read your blog at one of our meetings and consider you are doing more harm than good.

I'd be interested in where you think I'm doing harm and will let my wife comment on what I'm like non crossdressed.

If you read my wife's blog she hasn't told anyone.

If you read the blog in full you will see I state there is a trans spectrum and that I can only cover my level on the spectrum of which I feel I'm in a minority within that spectrum. However there are many like me from correspondence here, in tvchix and via email (Some of who stay very quiet as they have been talked down to by others in the trans world) so to say the blog is doing harm and that I don't know it all.. I dont profess to know it all as I have added in the blog...

One thing I do state is in regard of LGBT The T isn't a sexuality LGB is so I disassociate myself from LGBT unless S is in there somewhere.. I don't discriminate against anyone sexual preference or whatever but as a Straight Crossdresser I can't associate with LGBT now is that the harm I'm doing or is talking of my path as a crossdresser being honest and open with my wife causing the harm?

Please explain.

why are you doing harm,well in our opinion ,you are just giving
yours or other people's ideas not fact from people who know what is the cause or reasons.You intimate that crossdressers do not have gender problems.Most of us do and it really starts at birth.
You state that when LBGT becomes LGBS you will accept it S does come into it Transgender means between or across genders,surely dressing Femme means that you are presenting as Female whilst being Male.
Your statement on LGBT is caused by your ignorance of what it stands for and does for the people concerned.Remember most transexuals start out as Crossdressers hence the 2year period prior to surgery..Also you state that Str8 Crossdressers are in minority Please look at your own poll 348 Str8 1 Gay.doe's that not contradict your argument?.

So you're the expert?
You still don't answer what harm I'm causing ... You go on about cause and reason.. None of us have the same reasons to crossdress and remember "Please" this blog is about Crossdressing and I don't have a gender problem I'm a man full stop.. Because I like to dress as a woman doesn't mean I have gender issues.. If I dressed as a clown would that mean I'm funny? On the Crossdressing part where you state "most of us do and it really starts at birth" are you a crossdresser pure and simple or is it more than Crossdressing for you as if it's more than Crossdressing you can't use us I. That comment as were different. I'm merely a crossdresser as you not the polls the majority who read my blog are dressing for fun and escapism just like me nothing serious just a bit of fun.. Now I know that's hard for some to comprehend if you're born with it. I wasn't born with it it's no condition or illness I just love women love women's fashion love how I can look and feel crossdresser but more than happy to return to being a man. I won't accept T or S being adjacent to LGB as sexuality and gender has as much to do with one another as chalk and cheese.. Sexual preference and Crossdressing or real gender nothing to do with LGB.. But I'm ignorant. Most transsexuals start as crossdresser said and the. 2 yrs b4 surgery hold your horses this blogs not about that it's about the fun of Crossdressing and acceptance in relationships .. It's not about having an op if it was and I was that way inclined about my gender I'd no longer be married my wife would be out the door but thankfully I'm just a crossdresser. Crossdresser a are in a minority it just happens my target audience is straight married or in a relationship cross dressers and their S.O. So my poll shows my target audience are reading the blog. There is no contradiction to my argument I could have just as well left the sexuality poll off the blog completely if it wasn't a key question asked by wives and girlfriends.. I still don't see the harm I'm doing. We've had these conversations before over email.

Further to your saying that you basically dont believe that The T in LGBT does not apply to you or crossdressers so why in a later blog do you refer to us T-girls
Tanya

So nice to chat to you on TV chix last night .. What a pair of muppets we are Alpha males dressed as women debating what Liverpool should do with Raheem Sterling and How the scrum and rolling maul is ruining rugby.

Nice chat we must chat again soon ... I was thinking all night on angles to test the waters with my wife's views on crossdressing and if I should tell her or not.. Take a big gulp and tell her or carry on hiding my stuff which as you rightly say she will come across one day and ask who these belong to..

Have a good weekend enjoy your 4 days off jammy bugger.

Love your blog and I do the same when I'm away with work which is once or twice a month usually London I pack Maxine in my bag my wife knows and is at the knowing but ignoring I don't want to see you dressed stage you point to in your help and advice blog.

I'm 32 and after reading your blog decided to tell my wife I crossdressed as like you I've done it since young and she reacted exactly the same as your wife cried asked if it meant I was gay asked if it was her fault and if I wanted to become a women all answers like you NO!

Then I showed her your blog and she's working her way through it she was a little shocked but relieved realising your wife's and her reaction the same you're spot on.

Keep blogging it's good stuff I have to tackle the back garden on this sunny bank holiday have a good one.

My first wife tolerated some minimal dressing with her but then ran off with the next door neighbour - maybe it would have happened anyway.

My second went back home to Australia for a fundamental difference on family planning and left two chiffon gowns which I thought I had been secretly sneaking into.

It was over thirty years and two more partners later that I started to dress fully en femme as a single guy who had given up on another female relationship.

I guess I'm lucky my wife's been so supportive.

Don't give up there are accepting open minded women about

Davina your blog is great it's helped me and we've chatted so I know where you're coming from and I am in a similar position to you having now told my wife I crossdress thanks to you giving me confidence to do so and I showed her your blog as have many other crossdressers with their wives.. Harm pah.. She actually said she enjoyed the insight you've given to Crossdressing found your blog to be numerous in parts and is hoping your wife continues to update her part of the blog sort of and than what happened from her perspective but we're very much at phase 1 now she knows I dress but she doesn't want anything to do with it but is a little curious about it. Keep blogging and dont bite when people come on here telling you you're doing harm as you're not... You can't please and satisfy everyone, Charls x

Agreed Davina ignore the haters.
As crossdressers who do it for fun and escapism we do seem to be frowned upon within our own trains community for some reason.

We don't take it serious enough as it's just dressing up and some who believe they were 'born' this way cannot get their heads around us doing it for fun.

Things have progressed my wife took me shopping as male me of course but she's read the blog and your wife's blog and is eager to read more of your wife's perspective.

Like you I don't like spending on Maxine but now have a fab makeup station set thingy, a nice collection of new lingerie and hosiery and a fab pair of fake LB heels from the inter web.

Ignor and keep blogging no harm done here :) she's even said she is curious to see me dressed so watch this space.

Here Here

Ignore the messages below my post Davnia Shes missing the point of your Blog.

Its for a specific type of Crossdresser (Us the miniority Alpha Married Dressing for Fun and escapism) and I get that but it seems some don't see the Trans Spectrum or Trans Scale and that we are all different and Transexual as a label as She has used that label is way over the far end of the scale.

Stick to your guns Davina don't let someone tell you this Blog has done harm to anyone it's your story and valued advice from yourself and your wife.

Emma x

Take no notice Davina if we call us few me and the few above a group we're discussing your blog too now and it's not done ANY of us harm.

Keep blogging and hope you're feeling better after your bout of illness.

Both me and Tracy think you shouldn't waste your breath or time corresponding with someone who says you're doing harm with this blog.

It's helped us come to terms with Tracy Crossdressing and helped us move from finding out to me being ok seeing Tracy dressed so don't even reply if she comes back at you.

Hope you're feeling better

Emma

Transvestites and cross-dressing

Written by Christine Webber, psychotherapist and Dr David Delvin, GP

Thanks Laurieanne I'll look it up

Some extracts - I've read this before or derivatives and have used some of the article in my blog.

A transvestite is a person who likes to wear the clothes of the opposite sex.
Some dictionaries add the words 'for sexual pleasure', but this is not really true because many cross-dressers just feel comfortable – rather than sexually aroused – when they wear the clothing of the other sex.

In recent times, many people who go in for wearing the clothes of the opposite sex have become unhappy with the word ‘transvestite’. They prefer to describe themselves as ‘cross-dressers’.

Do transvestites want to be women?
In contrast, men who are uncomfortable about being male, or who feel they are not male inside, are said to have gender dysphoria. (Dysphoria means a chronic feeling of unease or great discontent.)
If this unhappiness and discomfort at being male leads them to take steps to change gender surgically, they are then called trans-sexuals.

There you go I'm quite happy being a man but enjoy crossdressing so no Gender Dysphoria here!

Why do men cross-dress?
No one really knows why some men have this desire. Many men who cross-dress describe it as an outlet for stress, and they tend to want to dress up more during times of tension at work or at home.
Some men get relief from tension simply by wearing women's lingerie (often silk) under their exterior male clothing. These guys often go no further than that with their cross-dressing.
Most transvestites, however, want to appear as female as possible in their outer garments and want to wear elegant make-up and pleasant perfumes.
Men who cross-dress are not mentally ill. Indeed, psychologists in the USA have decided that cross-dressing comes within the normal range of male sexuality unless it becomes a compulsive obsession.

This is written by qualified medical people and I'm quoting similar in my blog yet some feel i'm wrong? cant please everyone but in a nutshell the above is where I am and what I bang on about in the blog.

Have a good holiday I'm sure Davina will look fab with a tan.

Thanks Carla I'll try to relax :)

Hoping you get to dress on holiday if the urge takes you. Have a fab break.

Clare Wife Wales

Oh I had the urge on holiday despite it being pretty much relaxing but I didn't pack Davina and I'm an all or nothing kinda gal.

Will make up for it some time this week maybe working from home Davina with a tan whoop woop.

The holiday was fab best weather we've ever had in Spain and a nice hotel just a pity we've returned to horrible weather in Wales its tipping down..

Thanks for the messages in mine and the wife's guestbooks.

D x

Hi,
I know we've chatted but I've never actually said how good I think this website is and how good it is that your wife contributes! Keep up the good work xx

Seconded a most enjoyable read you must combine your blogs and wife's into a book.. with Davina in full splendour on the front cover..

Thanks Tess.. Don't think my wife would be happy with me on the front cover of a book as Davina.. Maybe just my long sexy legs in stock I go and high heels ;)

D

Thanks Tasha I'm hoping my wife's blogs will help others see what wives go through and how we've tried to communicate about cross dressing also backing up my thoughts.

Some still see my blog as the anti Christ for some reason but it's not aimed at everyone hope to chat soon.

D

In that context, I would take being seen as the antichrist as a compliment!!

Agreed lol

Isnt it nice having Silicone boobs they feel great don't they

Bet you felt nervous meeting another T girl how did your wife really feel about you meeting someone else as ive read she wants no one else to know you dress then gave you the green light to meet someone..

Yes the boobs feel nice lol and a bit bigger than my rice bags lol

I wasn't nervous meeting K just jumped in the car met had a chat and came home. It was ok.

Not sure how my wife really felt / feels maybe she'll blog about it.

D

Hi what a fab blog Thankyou!!

I've been crossdressing since I was young and got married this year (I'm 24 now my wife is 23)

I asked her to marry me she said yes then I sat her down and told her I was a crossdresser before we got married.

Id searched the internet for ways of telling her as I wanted her to know what / who she was marrying and I came across your blog which I read top to bottom and helped me explain it to my wife and also told her it was here for her to check and read along with a few other websites and the books you mention in your blog.

So a thankyou as it worked out well after the shock of finding out I crossdress she then rapidly moved through what took your wife a number of years inside a week from you do what to I want nothing to do with it to by the following weekend her asking to see me dressed and she was astounded that I transformed into quite a convincing looking woman and helping me dress up and shopping for Clare on the sunday lol whirlwind but we have so much fun with this secret side of me which no one in a million years would dream I do.

So if you want a success story here it is or maybe i'm just one of the lucky ones like you

Cheers

Claire

Hi Glad you like the blog
Congratulations on getting hitched and cudos for telling her you dressed before you got married :)

I asked her to marry me she said yes then I sat her down and told her I was a crossdresser before we got married.

So glad this blog helped that's my intention although some t girls don't like the blog for whatever reason ...

Sounds like we're in the same sort of bracket of tgirl

Thanks again for the message nice to hear good news stories

Davina:)

I think you look fine in all wigs despite cutting your nose off and the red one looks cool.

Go with what your comfortable with

Candy

My vote goes for fiery red Davina! :)

Red wig rocks

Thanks all I like the red wig my wife prefers me blonde

Hi i notice that you are now referring to yourself and others as
T girls yet in our last communication you stated that you were not one of the T girls that the T stands for Transgender so make up your mind iether you are or your not
.Regards Tanya

Entitled to your opinion but T-Girl is a more modern word .. Crossdresser a older word nothing more nothing less.. and I still want nothing to do with LGBT as it's 3 are sexualities and one isn't..

I thought you thought my blog was the Devil but you keep coming back.

I think you read things differently in the US compared to the UK and the Rest of the World.

OMG get a life Crossdresser / T-Girl is the same thing!!

LGB though I agree has nothing to do with me being Trans / a Crossdresser / a T-Girl (Part time straight married like Davina)

Don't tell me we're not proper trannys?

What is it with the discrimination of mere crossdressers?

Explain please

Have i said that you are not proper trannies???as far as i am concerned i have also not discriminated against CD/TV/TG. Indeed we are all tarred to the same brush.
Tanya

Oh stop nit picking Tanya seems you just want to cause trouble.

For your information i am not the nit picker I believe the first person to nit pick was in fact Davina.

OMG Tanya read your messages on the Guestbooks you're clearly the nit picker in here spouting nonsense and sticking your nose in where it's not wanted and showing the sort of prejudice I've seen against Crossdressing straight married men in the Trans world. Get a life.

the point you've raise is moot and shows how out of touch you are with the Trans world in the UK.

I may live in the US but spend much time in UK on business so sorry to disappoint you i am also a British citizen. I ran a group in S West UK also a helpline .Yes i am a trained help liner in the subject.so no predjudice from me to any CD/TV/TG.
But for my last pick i will say that in my opinion i do not steal from other peoples web site and change it around to suite mine as is done on this Blog
Tanya

Tanya
Say what you like about the Blog I don't hide that some of the Blog has come from other websites which I've shared here I'm not hiding that at all so why mention it.

I even sometimes contact other bloggers and ask if I can add some of their blog to my blog if I think it may be useful or interesting but 90%+ of the blog and advice is about me and my wife unless I've stated its from another website.

You always leave me wondering what you want and why you have to always have a swipe at me and add negative comments not that I care as I'm a big boy and can handle criticism.

Give it a rest Tanya there is enough negativity towards Crossdressing without you coming in here and starting an argument.

Crossdressers and wives read this blog and have left nice comments yours the only negative ones and I suspect you are the one who said the website isn't useful and I also suspect it does not apply to you as you're neither a straight married crossdresser nor a wife of a crossdresser.

You ran some sort of group and have had some form of training. Well my observation is the training was not very good as you are very negative and come across as jealous for whatever reason I don't think we even care to know.

Davina ignore Tanya and keep on blogging sweety I've read in a few blogs you stating you've taken parts of other websites and blogs and you've added your slant on them and other crossdressers have sent you links in the guestbook / chat.

Don't take the bait Davina and where's your next blog update and your wifes???? come on hurry up x

Clare in reply to your stupid comments i am not a jealous person my SO will tell you that i am one of the most helpful people she has ever met on the TG scene Yes TG Across the Genders when you dress you assume the other gender for what ever reason whether it is to relieve stress or just for fun .As for my comments being the only negative ones you obviously don,t read them properly as up to yet i have only made constructive comment .I am not the only member of the Vals that think the blog is not useful,and we have approx 600 members across several states.I will also state that i have been Crossdressing for longer than some of you have lived .My training for helplining was from the British Telephone Helpline Society,and took 5 weekends to pass there exam for the ensuing certificate,and permission to run a helpline.
By the way i am a STRAIGHT married Transgender person and proud of what i am .and i am not afraid to let people know that i Crossdress in my opinion there is no stigma to it in these modern days as there used to be Dress and be proud of it.
Best Regards Tanya

Tanya
You come across as a know it all been there done it worn the shirt so you're right and Davina and the other Crossdressers and Clare are wrong.
There is nothing helpful in what you have typed and again this 600 strong group of yours finding the blog is not useful? Not useful to you maybe who thinks there is no stigma to crossdressing which shows you are out of touch.
There may not be so much stigma towards full time transsexuals and to a great extent full time transvestites but there is a stigma towards Crossdressers where the word percent and weirdo creeps in which is why so many of us wives and so many crossdressers keep it secret.
It's reading some the likes of your bile and other know it all dictatorial trains people who apportions this is right that's not that drove me to leave TV chic and some of the same nonsense is spouted in the forums. This blog has been invaluable to me and my husband in helping us see similarities and helping us communicate using the blog as a talking point around what Davina or Davinas wife has placed on the Blog. No one has come on here backing up your points and as Clare has typed if you don't like it here don't come here this blog clearly isn't intended to help you as you are far too much of an expert Tranny according to you.

Everyone Ignore Tanya she's just a wind up merchant from what I've read.

Well the fact that you are trying to give Tanya grief shows that you are people that no nothing much about TV/CD/TG,I will list some of Tanyas accomplishments .
Thea and Annes Trans-gendered World Based in Nashville Tn. Help and Group.
Transriviera based in Plympton UK. Help and Group.
Regional Officer for Beaumont Society Devon and Cornwall.UK.
Member of Managment committee Beaumont Society UK..
Member and operator British Telephone Helpline society Top Certificates.
Travelled all over S. West England talking to Wives and friends. Also Samaritans .
Helping and Mediating with Wife’s and Husbands who have just found out about Partner Cross Dressing.
I think this put’s Tanya’s expertise in perspective.

Laurie-Anne

I don't think the comments back to Tanya (no matter what her efforts in the Trans World above) are harsh.

Tanya didn't come in here with anything constructive she came in criticising for whatever reason which has provoked other t girls / crossdressers (a label not worth arguing about really) and wives of Crossdressers to comment back to Tanya as has happened in the past on the blog.

I'd like to move on and get back to something more positive and fun.

Criticism is fine but not when its not constructive?

well having read all of Tanya,s comments and some Mostly all of the replies I feel that most of the replies are stating she knows nothing about TV/TG/CD well i can assure you all that Tanya is still working with helplines here in USA maybe if your attitude and that of your friends was a little more accepting she could and would have been able to be constructive on your Blog and basically that all it is BS

I sometimes wonder if people interpret what is typed different from what is intended but I don't see anything very friendly in Tanyas posts on this blog.

Your possibly right but different people interpret in different ways.
But in my opinion Tanya is right in most of what she has said then most of your bloggers appear to be in the closet so would have a different idea to myself and Tanya, our wives and families know so do most of our friends.Keeping something as big as this is very stressful.and your Alpha Male attitude does not really help.About 100 of our members have read this blog and Feel that you need to change your attitude towards people who maybe could help you and yours.
Best Regards
Laurie-Anne,

Come on Davina let's have an update what's going on with you?

Are you watching I am Caite what do you think of it?

Works been uber stressful and demanding the last month - 6 weeks I may bog later so what's going on with me work work work that's is all..

Yeah I'm watching I m Cait with the wife.

It shows the trans spectrum where Bruce has had these feelings all his life and he finally clicked in line with what went on in his life and had an opportunity and finances to become Cait and good luck to her..

I doubt the program will cover the mere crossdresser maye it will who knows.

Hope you get a girly night in with your wife sounds like you're working too hard

Have fun if you do

X

Yes I had a girls night in with the wife and a chick flick was nice and relaxing and stress relieving it its peculiar way

Enjoyed your new blogs will be watching EastEnders too

Good that BBC is highlighting the issue of crossdressing on EastEnders so maybe why their article has been added as information on their news website however its a bit of a weak article I agree it doesn't give enough of a taste as to why someone like us would crossdress and I expect someone who is transsexual would have something to say about it too.

Keep up the blog Davina its interesting and sounds very similar to my own life and crossdressing as I'm happily married and she knows I dress and she likes me better when I'm Tanya and no one would every suspect me a sporting mad person would crossdress and my job unfortunately is also very stressful due to cuts and time I have to work to do what I need to do to ensure the work is done and covered.

Unpiad over time keeping the UK going on stress of the workforce that's something this Government is reliant on and if we all stopped doing unpaid overtime the UK would grumble to a halt and we'd get called terrorists or lazy.

So true Tanya unpaid overtime keeping the wheels of industry moving and feeding the rich

Dont be daft you have plenty more days in December to crossdress and I wonder if your good wife will buy you some new makeup, stockings and things for Christmas lol do you get a man stocking and a secret girly stocking from her.. My wife does that for me lol

I could I suppose squeeze one more in but don't think I will too much to do around the house to get ready for Christmas.. I'm not expecting anything off my wife for Davina for Christmas.. I'd rather the kids get what they want I don't want anything for Christmas other than to see the kids smiling and happy and spending time with their grandparents and us

Are you off work now?
Kids have another week in school don't they so in theory you get to dress when you like during the day for the next week?
Will you? Or have you really done all your crossdressing of 2015?

Yep off work till January
Could do but don't think I will

OMG you put Davina up the attic I should call the NSPTG National Specialist Protection of T Girls.. sounds like you've got some DIY to get stuck into?

I'm like that if theres a job to do once I start it I have to finish it what you got on? big job?

Paint kitchen, passage and landing and stairs pain and sort out, tidy bathroom and touch up paint, paint our bedroom and sort kids rooms out then relax and try to keep the house tidy from now on.. easier to be in work

Only jobs I like have blow before them

Merry Christmas and I hope you have many "Jobs" in 2016

Trish

haha how crude

Hope you had a good Christmas and happy new year

Agreed good film but beyond us mere crossdressers

Hi Davina, thanks for the great advice. I feel like I'm just starting a new life with my girlfriend and whilst I haven't told her about my dressing yet, I know when I do we'll both have you to thank for everything.

That's good positive news Anna take your time with your GF and be prepared for her freaking out which may happen.

Good luck let us know how you get on.

Hi Davina

I've been working my way through your blogs. It sounds as if we have a lot in common (especially a love for Davina) and I find myself nodding in agreement with many of the things you've written. My wife isn't quite as accepting (no girls nights in) but maybe over time she will mellow. She only found out a couple of years ago and to her it's 'just something I do' which is fine with me. Working form home I get plenty of time to dress but at the moment we have builders in which has curtailed events for a couple of months now! At least I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Already chosen the outfit for the day I have the house to myself.

Thanks for the nice post Katie

Nice to know there are others out there in the same position.

I feel we're in a minority in the trans world and probably the least understood.

Did you see the 100% why I dress? 20% escapism from stress of male life (I just finished work now after leaving the house at 0730 attended a meeting then home and more work to do and just switches off work laptop.. supposed to be in another meeting tomorrow 2.5 hour drive away so 2.5 hours drive back plus the meeting time a long day so did some work tonight and offered them phone conference instead) a percentage is a turn on and so on.. I placed this in tvchix forum and some slated me for it but I guess they're not in our minority.. Diversity and inclusion eh?
Its good your wife tolerates and accepts it as something you do.. my wifes the same would rather I didn't dress but isn't worried by my crossdressing. Hope to correspond more D

It does seem that the media is obsessed with transgender at the moment. However, it seems that they are focused on those of us who wish to transition and not just 'vanilla' crossdressers. I guess that that is more interesting and makes better headlines. People transitioning are also far more visible than your average 'in the closet' crossdresser so maybe they deserve the extra attention.

I watched an episode of Mary Portas undercover shopper where she helped out a bridal shop. The couple that owned the shop had an awful collection of ballgowns - Mary asked if there were any transvestite in the village who might want to buy them! Stereo typing or what! When she found out he crossdressed she suggested selling the gowns to other crossdressers at a pub in London. The sale fell a bit flat which was good as it showed that we are not all drag queens as was perceived but just want to dress as any ordinary women would do with nice clothes.

I think the media has a part to play in education. There are a few 'I married a crossdresser' type programs but nothing that really explains why as you do in your 100% chart. There does seem a common thread as to why we crossdress and that seems to change as we get older.

I belong to a site crossdressers.com, although I've given up posting after comments made by some of the more vocal members. There is a common line of questioning when new members join about why they dress, what next etc as well as a lot of frivolous stuff. I'd say the majority there were just vanilla crossdressers and I think the site did help me ti come to terms with my dressing so worth a look.

I'd like to talk more and maybe give you a little bit more background. What's the best way on sending your more?

Katie

Great post Katie

Our thoughts are quite the same on tue matter.

Here is ok we can use this like chat or email me cdtra007@hotmail.com set up to help me run this blog.

Were definitely the least understood in the trans world.. And us lucky ones with accepting or even tolerating wives are very lucky.

Hi Davina

I think I read one of your wife's posts saying 'I don't get it' which I think is the response of most people. It's definitely my wife's response. She never wants to talk about it so everything is really kept under wraps. Mind you she's the same about my scuba diving - not interested in the slightest and never wants to talk about it!

To be honest I don't really understand why but I just have to accept that it's part of who I am. There are a lot of things that people do that I just don't get but I guess that's what make us all individual. There are far worse things to do for a man than just wanting to dress up once in a while.

I think it's a matter of society putting things into perspective. As a whole society is still very polar with men being macho and women feminine and all the time that exists there is never going to be gender equality. Too any people live in the past with outdated values. The pack still rules and unless you toe the line you can end up being outcast which is the one thing we fear the most.

Katie

Katie

Yes my wife did post 'I don't get it' and neither to I fully I just enjoy it.. there are worse things I could get upto this is true but I'm intelligent rational etc and my one flaw if that's what it is is crossdressing big deal.. no ones business just mine.. .

It is a society thing and putting things into perspective its how were brought up this is mans that is womans, men dress like this women dress like..... however the hell they want to dress..

Happy valentines day Davina and wife I hope you bought each other naughty lingerie

A very useful and necessary site.

Many women are supportive of TG partners but not much of this becomes public.

My wife of 32 year is

Yvonne

That's so cool Yvonne its not as scary as some women think and can be fun having a crossdressing husband as long as that's all it is.

Hi

Great blog both my wife and myself have moved through it quickly and informatively and its helped me come to terms with I'm not alone as there are others out there like me in reading your story and today Katies input on your personal blog.

Its also helped my wife who found your blog via a google search whilst I was in work the day after I came out to her as a crossdresser.

Now to my point we'd both love to chat to you and hopefully your wife over skype about this bizar lifestyle if that would be ok if not we understand but would still like to chat on line or via email if that is ok with you both.

Sarah and Cath (Wife)

Hi

Not sure I want to let out my secret identity over Skype to you the wife wouldn't want me to as she's a lil paranoid about people recognising me / us but correspondence over email is ok and of course on here.

Unless I skype in disguise or rather as "Davina" lol not sure my wife will do it tho.

Thanks for reading the blog makes me happy to know people have read it and its helped to some extent :)

I chatted to a wife of a T-girl this evening as Davina and although I was nervous on Skype it was nice to get compliments and nice to chat so maybe we could chat but I'd have to be in disguise. lol Crossdressed or we can chat on Skype without video if you like.

Hi I see you have skyped with an RG as Davina.

Hope my wife and myself get an opportunity to skype with you as Davina or however you are comfortable.

She has many questions to ask you and your wife about crossdressing and what to expect as we find it hard to talk about similar to yourselves it seems its easier to talk to someone unrelated so to speak.

I will email you our skype details and you can take it from there.

Have a nice weekend

Sarah and Cath

Hi if you email me your skype ill add you

If you have questions fire away

If its timed right and I'm dressed I have no problem skyping and chatting but not sure about talking but typings ok..

Weird that isn't it but I'm confident I look ok but would seem weird talking and hearing my bloke voice and id feel silly trying to sound female lol

Love the advice and the blog .

I'm like you wife knows and accepts would prefer I didn't cross dress.

She says I can pass as a woman and has read your advice and blog and says were very similar.

She asked if I though you coherced your wife into adding her thoughts and says she understands why you'd want her to be part of the blog but she probably doesn't know what to.type about it?

I also take opportunity to dress when away with work it's such an inexplicable stress release isn't it.

Keep blogging

Thanks for the message

Yes I did nag my wife to add her thoughts in the blog as I thought it may help for other wives to hear her side not jut mine

Yes its such a great inexplicable stress release crossdressing

HI Davina great website very helpful and I think I'll show my wife.

Your blog interests me also.

Danni :)

Thanks Danni

What does your wife think of the Skype sessions? I think they're out of line. This is the problem with crossdressing. Your mindset isn't the same as the rest of us. You see things differently, almost like a split personality. It's as though talking to other women while dressed as a woman makes it okay. Davina talks to other women therefore it's okay.

It's not. It's just weird. You're still a husband.

Why don't more of you get therapy? My husband won't either, but he needs it. Anyone who needs to play make believe as an adult needs therapy. Maybe you'd discover a new outlet for your stress? After all, every time you wear a wig and dress and feel 'calm' you're insulting half the population. Being female is not a cure for male stress!

Crossdressers really do push the sympathy of women to its absolute limit.

Thanks for your valid input I wish more wives would add their thoughts.

Would you mind letting me know which part of the world you're from?

I don't agree with you but your mindset on this subject is valid and needs to be here and to be considered so thanks for posting.

If I was not crossdressed chatting to other women on skype as a man would that be ok?

I didn't elaborate on what we chatted about but it touched on a lot of every day subjects including politics and religion so does the fact I was crossdressed change that? really?

I happen to crossdress and I don't really know why but its not an insult to women that I crossdress .. I've described it as escapism and that's what it is for me a way of escaping my overtly masculine self for a while in a simple and harmless manner.

Women fought for their rights and rightly so but is that a one way street? Society deems how men and women should dress and look which is pretty repressive but isn't this a free world where we can express ourselves however we feel (in most countries anyway).

I don't need therapy I'm as sane, intelligent and open minded as a non crossdressing man.

Knowing the personal effects from crossdressing for me may not be a cure for stress but is very stress relieving which I don't expect you to understand, but again I thankyou for your perspective and view on crossdressing and look forward to more of your thoughts on crossdressing.

Very gracious Davina but what gives ANYONE the right to tell another human being how they have to dress, look and act?

What a derogatory out of.touch post by wife

Imitation is the greatest form.of flattery I've never met a real.woman when out as Claire who's taken my crossdressing as an insult.

Im straight, married, have a stressful job like you and what harm does it do to ANYONE if I chose to dress up and try to look female It's a pill free stress reliever it may seem weird to some but how hypocritical as I bet wife wears some form of male clothing from time to time.

I don't need therapy Davina in what I've read seems sane and on the level it sounds more.like.someone is insecure about her husbands crossdressing and if that's the Case therapy isn't the answer communication is.

Thank you for not taking it as an insult like the person below did. Being a cross dresser shouldn't mean wives have to tiptoe around their anger and concerns. You are not delicate flowers. I'm allowed to say my opinion if you're allowing it, which it seems you are. So thank you.

And I'd rather not say where we are due to basic paranoia, but my husband is originally from your neck of the woods.

Would it be better if you Skyped as a man? If your wife doesn't mind, you could Skype as a banana. That's not the point. Your post mentioned chatting with an accepting wife being nice (I felt insulted on your wife's behalf) and swapping compliments and I felt uneasy with the whole vibe. It's a slippery slope when you seek acceptance elsewhere. That's all I'm saying.

And I stand by the therapy comment. I'd suggest it to anyone with an issue in life that complicates things. Especially one they don't understand. Harmless activities can become harmful when they impact others and communication is lacking. My marriage needs this but we're not there at this point. We're just too busy.

Crossdressing, the way you describe it, makes sense in many ways and doesn't upset me. It's all the little insults and jabs directed at wives like myself, who don't jump for joy about it (and why would we??) that needs addressing. Your own wife will pick up on this over time, and it will erode things. Cross dressers can't expect enthusiastic partners if they met and married their wives as heterosexual men. If you met your wife in a wig and frock, then the problem is hers. But you didn't. So the problem is yours. And my husbands. And all the men here who kept it a secret and were disappointed with the less than enthusiastic outcome. If you'd had therapy and accepted this part of yourself before a relationship, you'd be with an accepting partner today.

I enjoy reading you viewpoint. I hope you'll try and understand mine.

And my post was directed to Davina, not Claire. Claire is clearly insulted by my opinion and that's fine. Again, I don't care for delicate flowers. The whole world doesn't have to like what you do, only you. If you're happy as you are, more power to you.

And sorry, one more thing - (it's very hard to make clear points on a guest post page) - if your wife was on board with the Skype sessions as Davina then I apologize. I was reacting too emotionally. But it was the 'away on business/chatting with an accepting woman' part that offended me. I'd be hurt if my husband did this behind my back.

And I'll admit I do find men dressing as women for escapism as a little insulting. Only because it suggests we're all fluff and frills and lacking substance. Our lives are actually as stressful as yours. But I know you know this. My husband does too. It's just another enigma that is crossdressing.

Last post, I promise!

Please continue

I've posted something in my blog area

I added something to a trans group forum to gauge trans people response to some of your points and have posted some of their feedback as bullet points and have written a reply to you also in the latest blog.

This is a good worthwhile discussion :)

Have a nice weekend

Good discussion very interesting keep it going

will read the blog update now

Cath

Thanks for the well thought out response to my comments, Davina. I wasn't sure if I was just being annoying there lol. I'm not a horrible person, I promise. Just perplexed and this discussion is helping.

Anyway, I'd say my husband and you dress doe exactly the same reasons. He's stubborn and strong willed too, so therapy will be me dragging him there! That's okay, I'm also stubborn and strong willed. Tough when we need a compromise, I tell you.

Anyway, I'm glad your wife is on board with it all. I owe you an apology as I reacted as though I were in her shoes and didn't know the whole story. I've just read of so many other wives discovering their cross dressing partner chatting to others behind their back, I assumed you were the same. Your marriage sounds very solid. My husband is a loyal partner, too. My issue is not this. It's just a general erosion between us every time he needs to be his 'other self.' Truly, I don't really know why it's so hard to live with. Maybe I feel there's a weird threesome angle to it all?

And I guess the insulting part, if I were to think about it more and not just reflexively, is that most cross dressers don't dress in comfy jeans, tee shirt, a ponytail and rush off to shop for groceries. It's all long hair and nails and lipstick and heels...that's not a true representation of women. Look around. You know that's the truth. So I guess when you and my husband say you're dressing as women I say, no, you're dressing as men THINK women are. Or, as men WISH women were. There's a difference. I think the 'woman' part of crossdressing needs to be left out and you just tell everyone you're dressing as you. Seem fair?

Because, despite my confusion, I completely agree that men need more options. It's ridiculous that girls have such freedom and boys are penned into little uptight masculine boxes. For the record, you penned yourselves. Women didn't put you there, and if more men would stand up and break free, I think you'd have female support. I really do. And those who won't aren't worth your time anyway. Men and women should have equal choice in everything. I actually wonder though, if this were the case, would crossdressing still exist?

Also, out of curiosity, can you think what drove you to initially start dressing? I assume you were a kid like most. I ask because it seems most men can't remember, yet you seem more clear on it all. My husband can't remember specifics, only that he noticed stockings on a girl one day, and randomly went home and tried some on. Why? He has no clue. But that one incident started a lifelong cross dressing habit. As a mother raising a young son, I think I can almost explain it. Boys seem so much more sensitive physically and visually. This might seem a generalization but I don't think so. Too many mothers notice the same. There's almost a mismatch between how we raise boys and how boys are. When did we decide to keep all the interesting, pretty, sexy things for ourselves? Or did men decide they liked seeing these things on women and consequently lost them for themselves?

Ah, I've gone off on a tangent. I don't even think there's an answer to these questions. But I'd be interested in your thoughts on it all. Thanks again for letting me write here. It's almost therapeutic. I don't blame you or my husband or any man for crossdressing. I realize it's not something you choose but rather the other way around. I wish it wasn't so hard on a marriage, and so testing of our sexuality. After all, straight women are attracted to straight men so when your husband thinks he looks sexy (vanity is a big part as you admitted lol) as a woman my brain can't process it. Crossdressing is almost a biological screw up in that way, because it literally turns off the women you're attracted to. So yeah, it's hard. But hey, life's hard. None of us get a free pass there!

I can and will answer your questions later and for me they are easy questions to answer as I've put a lot of thought into crossdressing over the years and since writing this blog.

You sound like my wife but she won't articulate as much on here but almost everything you've typed she will relate to so will get her to read your thoughts.

I'm also glad you find these chats therapeutic as I do also and that's kinda my point to my wife about setting up her side of the blog to put her thoughts down but I think she feels more private about it not wanting the world to read her thoughts and also not wanting to offend or upset me which would be hard to do.

I'll answer your questions later bit believe you have a lot of this spot on. :)

I've added a further reply in my blog :)

I've been reading your blog for some time and it has helped me get my head around my boyfriend (Finance) crossdressing.

He's overtly macho plays rugby and no one he plays rugby with would think he would dress up as a woman.

I asked him if he'd read your blog and he said yes and related a lot to it, so I asked him would he like a girls night in bearing in mind I've never allowed him to dress when I'm home.

Well last night we did it and I put him through the embarrassment of dressing in front of me from scratch and he was clearly nervous but dressed expertly and did his makeup and put on his wig.

I couldn't really believe what I was seeing as he could easily pass as a woman I was a little jealous.

We had a nice night a bottle of wine or two and just talked makeup, crossdressing and had a good laugh about if the rugby lads could see you now.

I think it has helped me seeing him unwound and for once I felt the one more in control of our relationship.

I still don't understand it but it was a nice change to our Saturday night in and maybe we will do it again.

Keep blogging especially this current chat you have going on.

Sharon

Actually, I can't obviously speak for my husband but what I know of him, he'd say exactly what you've said. He really would. He's just shocking at expressing himself and you're not, so this is extra therapeutic for me! Thanks. :)

And I sort of understand the feeling that women don't dress as men wish. I suspect that's one of the lasting reasons that men dress as they get older, but when you're younger, and women are still putting in the effort (we do dress better when we're single usually, this is true) I sense the dressing is almost in conflict with your life then. You want the women, then go home and BECOME the woman you're attracted to. This might almost make sense if you're shy like you were and too scared to get the girl. My husband was also shy. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism for all that early attraction to femininity that had no outlet? My husband remembers being very young and attracted to teachers and television actresses etc.

Funny though, how something that starts as such a small, simple activity that gives you a nice feeling eventually becomes an identity with a name and often substantial wardrobe. Why does it progress, do you think? Is this just men being men and doing things to the extreme? Competitiveness? Or just plain old boundary pushing?

Where do you see yourself going with this? Is this your end point?

And why don't women take more advantage of the outfits available etc? Some do. Though I'll admit most of us will avoid it until those special occasions. Honestly, I'm sure there's some biological reason behind women not prettying up daily once married with kids. Maybe we're avoiding male attention? I also think, and I know it's true of myself, that we don't get any of the pleasure wearing these things that crossdressers do, and maybe all men if they tried it! There's truly no sensuousness in heels or skirt for me. I feel nothing wearing red lipstick, except maybe like I'm trying to be a Kardashian lol. Lingerie, even pretty lingerie, is very uncomfortable after a while and that restricted feeling around the chest when you're wearing a bra is so insanely annoying, most women arrive home and rip the damn thing off! And don't even get me started on stockings and heels. If boys are more sensitive to sensuality, then perhaps many women are more sensitive to discomfort. And sorry, but many of our clothes of old were UNCOMFORTABLE.

And don't even get me started on stockings and heels lol.

But it's a valid male feeling that we women don't put in the effort much anymore. We don't. I don't think that will change either as I don't know that women ever really wanted to. I mean, I can't speak for other women than those I know. But most dress for comfort. Even an outing is without heels these days. Perhaps women never wanted the pretty things in the first place but we wear it to attract men because we know men like it? Once we've got the man, we don't need it anymore. Hmmm...makes sense.

It also explains why women think you're gay. We dress to attract men. You dress like women when they're trying to attract men, therefore, you're trying to attract men. That's the thought process.

Goes to show how different crossdressers and women are, even though we might look similar.

One more question - do you see yourself still dressing when you're old and grey? I considered this the other day with my husband. Will we be retired and settling into elderly life and he's still dressing up in the mirror? I wondered if that mightn't be beyond annoying. Will I want to still live with this until we're in the grave? I also wondered if crossdressers ever consider the repetitiveness and how others might feel. Do you ever wonder if your wife might not be utterly bored with the whole thing in 10/20/30 years? I think I might be. I have often had to hold my tongue from saying 'you're STILL doing that?'.

Anyway, good to chat again. Or should I say, ramble. :)

Another good post and glad I you took the "women don't make the effort" thing the right way .. you answered a question there that I cant get my head around .. probably other crossdressers feel the same about women not wanting to wear heels etc..

Anyway You are really feeding my blog lol so I will take your message later tonight some time and reply in the blog again as you raise some very valid points which again I've already considered myself and will answer fully for you

Keep it going and watch out for the bolg response later.

I hope my wife's reading this .. I'll tell her about our correspondence later if she's not.

If I were to write a book on Crossdressing You may be my co-author lol
D

This conversation even though between here and blog and a bit hard to follow is a good open one answering and asking or vice versa lots of questions we'd all like to ask our other halves.

I don't know why it's such a difficult subject to discuss.

Reading the messages and the blog some of it makes sense and Davina is being honest and shows a humorous side which shows she doesn't take crossdressing too seriously.

We on the other hand do take it seriously as it's not the norm for men to dress up and try to look like women but point taken and I'll follow "wife" and admit I go for comfort not sexy but before I got married I went for sexy.

Dresses, always makeup, tights (Sometimes stockings) and always high heels. Now it's flip flop or flat shoes, trousers and a blouse so yes we women do change when we get married and sorry but we do feel content and make less effort.

I haven't even considered how this change effects my other half and suppose it is a shock for men when women stop dressing as they portray women.

Writing this I promise to make more of an effort but I know it will not stop or deter his crossdressing.

You may be right about the role swap men taught to be macho women taught to be dainty as more and more women compete with men in work and become more like men and men need some escape and feel equality is slipping too far past equal status especially with image.

Hope you're having a nice weekend, I'm going Sunday shopping.

Keep up the blog

Em

Hi Emma. I wouldn't personally change who you are at all if you're happy. You're right - it won't change the outcome. Your husband will crossdress anyway and I suspect you dressing up now would only trigger it. Women have nothing to do with all this, in my personal opinion. It's more about the men and why they have this need in the first place. Envy. Rejection. Hormones. Emotional comfort. It's a minefield and chatting here with Davina is helping me realize it's likely a lot simpler than it seems but in the end, it's not about us. So don't change who you are.

That said, men like sexy dressed women and I'll admit I'm still attractive and can turn heads but I rarely wear the items that had this effect all those years ago lol. It's just not practical or comfortable and it's sort of annoying. I doubt a crossdresser would bother if they had to dress every day either.

Anyway, nice to see another wife here. I can't believe I married a crossdresser some days. It's so weird and completely off my radar and yet here we are. These are good guys though, many of them. I can see that, which is why I sense there's something more at play than just bad luck, curiosity and dodgy genetics. I suspect there's some unaddressed psychological issue in the majority of crossdressers that men being men refuse to acknowledge. My husband definitely has a clouded view on life as a female. It's nonsense but I suspect he has always been jealous of how much easier it is for women to attract sexual attention from others. I think that's the crux of his issues and he'll never address them. So we carry on...

Hi wife thanks for the message.

Still enjoying the chatter between you and Davina and now Katie.

All very rational and in reading this it relaxes me so much in my worries about my other half crossdressing as a lot of this rings true and Monday night and last night we both sat down read the blog together and talked about crossdressing nervously but more open and honest than we've even talked before.

Also Monday I got up earlier had a long shower, shaved my legs and made an effort with my makeup, wore a nice dress and moderate heels and tights to work and I felt nice.

I had some nice compliments in work from colleagues and I've done the same Tuesday and Wednesday and have surprised myself how much more confident I feel in myself making the effort I used to make every day.

My other half is like the cat that's got the crème so far seeing me back in a dress, heels and tights.

I know what you mean about don't change just because of crossdressing but it has given me a kick in the backside I think I needed.

We're going clothes shopping on the coming weekend and I have heels and dresses on my list and some new makeup.

I don't know how long it will last but 3 days this week I've put on makeup and dressed more feminine after months in trousers and flat shoes which I may go back to from time to time for comfort depending what I'm doing in work but the majority of the time I'm so far enjoying my new image, I may even get my hair done different.

Keep asking Davina questions as a lot of the things you have asked I wanted to ask the other half but afraid of upsetting him or getting an answer I don't like.

So far this all makes sense.

Em

Another great post, Davina. I have many more questions and I, enjoying having someone to ask of them.

Stay tuned :)

Fire away I enjoy answering them

1) Why do crossdressers love the idea of going out in public? I read a statistic once that only 10% do but the other 90% think about it. Public outings as sexily dressed female personas would likely involve attention from other men. You're not gay, so why?

2) Will you tell your kids? I'm personally don't see the point as I think it's my husbands issue, not theirs. Many do tell though, and I half suspect it's for the selfish reason of being able to dress more freely. I think parents should put their kids first though. What do you think?

3) What were your parents like? My husband essentially had a single mother raise him (very unavailable father) and I have suspicions this has something to do with it all.

4) Do you envy women? Is part of the dressing experience about being a better woman than a real woman? I read sentiment from others often that make me think there was envy at some point, even anger or rejection, and it manifested into a sort of 'I can be a hotter girl than you' thing. There's a lot of vanity and photo showing in the lifestyle. It feels a lot like envy from this side. Curious what you think.

Hi

I hope that Davina doesn’t mind me hijacking your conversation but I thought that it would help to have the input of another crossdresser. The answers I give are from my point of view and you may get a different response from others. including Davina. Crossdressers are varied bunch and tend to reflect society as a whole so there’s no one size fits all answer.

1) Why shouldn’t we want to go out in public? The reason many don’t is that society is not accepting of crossdressers and the attention we get is not always positive. Assaults on crossdressers are quite common and much of the attention can be quite hostile. Most crossdressers who do go out try to ‘blend’ so that they go unnoticed. Those who don’t are the ones who tend to end up in trouble. Dressing sexily to go to the shops is going to draw attention! Most of the time going out dressed is a validation that what you are doing is OK. It is really a problem with society that anyone who doesn’t toe the line is considered a freak and fair game for physical and verbal abuse. Those who do go out are the vanguard and are trying to make crossdressing a mainstream idea. It wasn’t so long ago that a gay couple couldn’t walk down the road hand in hand but it is quite commonplace now. People ideas and perceptions change and it is only those early pioneers who make it possible. As a woman you are able to wear whatever you like outside the house and not expect any trouble, men can’t. I’m sure that when you go out the house, dressed as a woman, you don’t expect unwanted attention from men. Unfortunately society again dictates what you can and can’t wear, the phrase ‘she was asking for it wearing those clothes’ is a shocking indictment on societies views and men in particular. Shouldn’t you and everybody else be able to wear what they like without being judged?
2) I won’t tell my kids unless necessary, especially when they are young and still at school. Keeping crossdressing a secret is a burden that we have and unless society changes it views it will remain that way. It is a burden that many of us have had since early childhood and not something I’d wish on my children. Quite often this burden is a reason why we do not tell our wives and partners.
3) There are plenty of theories as to why men crossdress. There is no evidence that a traumatic childhood or lack of a father figure has anything to do with the urge to crossdress. My own childhood was pretty unremarkable. I came from a loving home with both parents. Personally I favour the epigenetics theory, whereby genes can be turned on and off.
4) I don’t envy women. Personally I think you have a tough lot. Gender inequality really bugs me and I have privileges as a man that you do not get. I think a better way of expressing it would be admiration. There are certain ‘feminine’ qualities that if we all had would make the world a better place. I think a lot of the picture showing has to do with validation. Most comments tend to be supportive and it is human nature to want to receive compliments. For me the dressing experience is trying my best to look good in the clothes I like. I’m sure it’s the same for women all over the world who see a model in the clothes and imagine how they’d feel / look wearing them. I guess I feel the same pressure to look good in the clothes as a woman feels. I’s not about being better it’s about feeling good about yourself.

I hope that that answers a few of your questions. As I said it’s a personal point of view and we are different.

Katie

No problem Katie you chip in its a free for all

I'll stick my reply in the Blog again

D :)

Would you agree you're a 'normal' guy?

I have this issue where my husbands crossdressing has altered how I view him overall. Before I knew of it he was this funny, smart, professional, educated amazing man. Now, I look at him and wonder if he's got some weird female personality spinning at all times in his head. He says I look nice, I don't believe him and figure he wants to wear it. I'm an attractive girl, and I wonder if he's not jealous of this. He doesn't act like it, but does it annoy you that your wife is a pretty female and you're not?

Do you think differently once you start crossdressing? Is Davina another person talking in your head? My husband would think was nuts for suggesting this. I think a lot of wives wonder what the thoughts in their husbands head are like though.

Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Davina or male you? If it's the male, then why do most of you hate your body hair etc so much? How can you be happy being male when so much time is spent removing all traces of him?

Okay, that's a couple more questions. I'm keeping you busy lol.

Hi

I think ‘normal’ depends on your definition of normal. If you consider crossdressing as abnormal then I’m not normal. Personally I think I’m pretty normal and unremarkable.

In the USA psychologists have decided that crossdressing comes within the normal range of male sexuality and it is believed that up to 8% of the population are into crossdressing. The chances are you’ll probably know another crossdresser who isn’t your husband.

I don’t think you’re the way you view your husband is unique. Generally women tend to look at the whole package as opposed to men who compartmentalise. I think this article may help you to understand https://www.sisterhouse.net/familyroom/2013/11/10/how-your-crossdressing-changes-your-wifes-opinion-of-you/.

When he says you look nice he probably means you look nice. I know when I compliment my wife it’s not that I want to wear her clothes it’s just that in my opinion she looks nice. IShe always takes it as a compliment. It doesn’t annoy me that she is attractive, it just makes me think how lucky I am.

Personally I don’t feel I have separate personalities. I look in the mirror and see me in different clothes that I like. I don’t think of myself as male or female, it’s just me. Some crossdressers will take on a different personality and mannerism more associated with women. Sometimes I think this is to make them feel more feminine and help them passing as a woman in public. Sometimes the restrictions of the clothing will also alter mannerisms. It’s hard to pick up something off the floor like a bloke in heels and tight skirt!

Is body hair a sign of masculinity? I’ve noticed that more men are into grooming and will shave / wax their bodies. You only have to walk into Boots to find male waxing kits showing hairless bodies and most beauty saloons will do a male waxing service so I don’t think wanting no body hair is only to do with crossdressing. Many ancient cultures removed body hair as they felt it was unhygienic.

Personally I don’t like body hair and there is nothing worse than a pair of hairy legs sticking out from a nice skirt – male or female.

Katie

It's true that men are 'manscaping' far more than they used to. That said, I think it's the motive behind the scaping that bothers many wives. A male swimmer shaving for speed is sort of hot. A male swimmer shaving because he likes smooth legs in a pencil skirt is so much less so. One is masculine and sexy, the other is feminine and a turn off. Same activity but the reason behind it changes how we see it.

That article really explains this well. I didn't realize most women felt the same way.

I would even go so far as to say the wife of a crossdresser will likely prefer hair on her husband more than the average woman, and more even than she usually tolerates, because the alternative is a constant reminder that he crossdresses. I don't like being reminded. It annoys me and causes resentment. I don't know why.

Only, now I do know. It kills the male image. I can't change what I like about men as this seems sort of innate, so how can wives retain a positive male image of their spouse when he keeps doing little annoying feminine things like body shaving?

The cat is out the bag so whatever he does you will still have this mental image of him which is ingrained. Your perception of masculine is social conditioning from a very early age ( sugar and spice and all things nice v slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails) and is very hard to change. Why is body hair masculine and no hair feminine? There are plenty of men who can hardly grow a wisp of hair - does that make them any less macho than someone who resembles a shag pile carpet?

People generally don't like change and probably only time and knowledge will help change this position

I think that you are doing the right thing in trying to find out as much as possible about crossdressers and hopefully we've alleviated some of your fears and answered your questions.

Your husband is still the same person as you married and still has all those same qualities that you fell in love with. He will still need to treat you as the most important woman in his life and be your husband by doing all those 'macho' things you love.

You may want to put in place certain boundaries that you find acceptable. You've already mentioned about not going out dressed. Some partners also want only a man in the bedroom and will refuse any femininity. It may even be that a DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell) arrangement is what best works for you so that you are not constantly reminded of the situation.

I know the discussion is tough. My wife and I find it difficult to talk which does seem to be a common thread. She's known about my dressing about 3 years now and knows that she should be more tolerant but finds it hard. She doesn't understand why I need to dress but knows that I do need to dress. I keep everything out of sight and the ball is really in her court if she wants to find out more. Again it's a time thing and I heard of wives whose acceptance swings from participation to being barely tolerant.

Every situation is unique and there's no silver bullet. You'll have to find your own way of coping and accepting. I think that once you do you won't find it such a big deal and be able to carry on enjoying your life together.

One thing to watch out for is the 'Pink fog'. Once our crossdressing is out the bag is can sometimes run aways with us so make sure he puts a cap on his spending and doesn't push any of boundaries that you put in place.

More good questions..

I wonder if my wife has thought of these questions but never dared to or thought of asking them.. maybe if she's reading all this she will tell me..

I bet you find it easier to ask me these questions than you do asking your husband?

As usual I've added a reply in my Blog.. seeing other wives feeding back here looks like a few people are getting something out of our correspondence... Go see my reply in the Blog x

Keep asking questions and for that matter Crossdressers or other wives and girlfriends feel free to chip in with questions and points of views as I can only answer for myself and for my experience and mind.

D x :)

Thanks Katie,

Good answers and feedback.

I'm always sceptical about anything from the US concering crossdressing especially the statement

"In the USA psychologists have decided that crossdressing comes within the normal range of male sexuality and it is believed that up to 8% of the population are into crossdressing"

It's not a sexuality or anything to do with sexuality but in the US they tend to link it with the word sexuality more which then worries Wives..

I think their definition of sexuality is different from yours which causes confusion.

My guess is that what most wives fear is that their husband is gay or wants to become a woman. This is really to do with sexual orientation and not sexuality.

I think that crossdressing can be sexual, especially as a teenage boy when most things are sexual! You said yourself that you get 'horny' sometimes when crossdressing which the psychologist say falls within the normal male spectrum.

Ok, really awesome answers from both Davina and Katie. This is beyond helpful. And no, I can't ask these things easily of my husband. It would be....weird. Yet he would absolutely say everything you said Davina, and a lot of yours too, Katie. But he's definitely a Davina type crossdresser, this much is sure. He doesn't take it seriously at all, not like I do. I mean the need is very real and serious but he's perplexed at my confusion with it all.

Im perplexed why he's not confused about my confusion lol. So yeah, chatting is here is FAR better.

And I admit I had a laugh when I wrote about Davina talking in your head. I have wondered this though. What do wives think you're thinking? I don't know at a group level but I know I get these disturbing ideas that my husband is suddenly contemplating what outfits to wear so as to better attract other men (I know, I know, but it's so hard to lose this fear!). There's also this absurd concern that dressing as a woman has him thinking like one. Not sure how that would work, but I also don't know how much I want to be married to a man who's hoping to find ways to utilize a tampon lol. And don't laugh, I've read of crossdressers who go to these extremes. Not my husband, thank god. I suspect that would be a deal breaker...but yeh, unless we hear the sane thoughts of men such as yourself, our own ideas can really mess with our heads!

And fair enough on the public outings. My husband says he won't either. I couldn't do much if he did, I suppose. I was just curious why and I hadn't thought of validation that it's 'normal'. I hate that word, for the record. But it's what society uses to judge us all by unfortunately. If you do go out, just please don't do the fem behavior you mentioned lol. I can't describe it, but it's actually weirder to see a man act as he thinks women act, putting on a high voice and flapping his hands around. It never looks right and will usually just make him look gay. Women don't 'behave' so to speak, and I think we'd all rather see a guy presenting as a woman and acting as he usually does than trying to be female. If that makes sense? Or, that's what I prefer...other women might have other ideas. I just find the acting fem thing a little creepy.

I have more answers and endless questions. I really can't believe how helpful this is.

Cool so glad this is all helpful and enjoyable and enlightening..

Crossdressing isn't the norm (as far as we know) society sees it as weird in the whole but I hope that my perspective and that of others like me can help... But not all crossdressers are like us and I think were a minority in the trans spectrum and for some reason more serious trans people shun us ... I've been told I'm not proper trans.. In fact I was told I'm not a proper TRANNY to which I replied GOOD!

I've just come in from a night shift with tomorrow as a rest day so I'm contemplating what to do tomorrow.. Add to the blog maybe, have a spring clean, go for a walk to the top of one of our local mountains, start work in the garden or keep The blinds closed and spend the day chillaxing as Davina then go pick the kids up from school and take them to the park.. I will decide in the morning when I get up.

Keep firing those questions x

Actually, I'd say you're in the majority. The loudest voices are usually the extreme-end minority who have far more at stake. The private, less serious crossdresser is not just underrepresented - he's not counted at all. He's too covert and occasional to count. I'd bet most don't even sign up to a website. You'd all make great international spies! I often wonder why standard crossdressing is included in the trans label at all. By such a broad definition, any woman wearing her husbands tee to bed is trans. IHow much in common do you really have with Caitlyn Jenner other than a love of female attire? Again, by that definition, many women are trans.

Just be yourself and leave the labels to those who seem to need them. If it were me, and I were born with a gender issue, I'd rather be called a person.

Enjoy your day off. I'll come up with some more questions to help fill it lol. I hope I happen on some your wife has wondered about. She probably feels weird talking to you as I do my husband. There needs to be an anonymous 'Ask a Crossdresser' forum somewhere, with an 'Ask the Wife' thread running along side. Imagine how well that would go lol.

Gender is a really difficult one for me. It gets back to society having to give things labels. Certain qualities are considered female - being kind, sensitive, tender and warm. Why are they feminine? I consider myself to be all of those and many men I know are probably the same. Equally masculine traits might be about being gruff and coarse something I've witnessed women being so giving things a gender doesn't really help in describing yourself as a person. When people talk about being transgender they are associating themselves with feeling that society considered feminine. They say 'I like things associated with femininity therefore I am feminine'. Defining what it is to be a woman is very difficult and I'm sure if you got together with a group of your friends to ask what it is to be a woman you'll have a whole host of different answers.

I just feel that the gender lines are blurring and what was once considered masculine and feminine is no longer relevant. I do a lot of what were once considered 'female' tasks. I'll cook, clean and I shared the responsibility of bring up the kids when they were babies splitting their care with my wife so she could return to work. Funnily she wondered if she'd feminised me by letting me do all these things!

Sex and gender should not be confused although it is common practice to interchange the two. Sex is biological. Gender is to do with feelings, your internal sense of self, how you present yourself to the world. It's a social construct and not really helpful in describing the person when they can take on numerous attribute of 'femininity' and 'masculinity'.

Caitlyn Jenner is a transwoman. She would have had body dysphoria where she knows that she was born in the wrong body and spent years trying to fight it. For transwomen this is a very difficult thing to live with and the suicide rate amongst the transgender community is far higher than 'normal' society.

We (CDs) share a common interest in women's clothes but that is really where the connection finishes. We do not want to transition to become women full-time. We do not consider ourselves to be women.

So when you wear a man's T shirt to bed you're not really being transgender just a crossdresser as far as I'm concern. If it's assigned the title of male clothing then you are crossing the line.

As I said it's a shame that items of clothing, hairstyles, feelings have to be assigned a gender. Life would be simpler if they weren't especially in a modern society where these clues are no longer necessary.

Sorry to be a bit heavy but I think it helps to have an understanding given all the confusion out there. As both Davina and I have said, most crossdressers are not gay and don't want to become women. We just share a love of women's clothing. If you compare sides in a department store you'll notice how much more colour, varied and style women have to choose from. Quire often when men change back to their normal clothes it is said that they are going back to 'drab' which describes it well.

Katie, now this I wholeheartedly agree with. I have kids of both gender and buying clothing from the girls side is at least three times as interesting as the boys. It annoys me no end, especially since I like dressing my son well. It's not fair! When will it change? Why are the pretty things only for girls? I have absolutely no idea, but I'd bet there are plenty of non-crossdressing men who wonder the same. They just wouldn't dare say it out loud.

That's a big part of the problem. Other men! They won't stand up for themselves

Anyway, in this regard, I support either gender wearing whatever they like. I truly don't think this is my issue. It's sorting through all the other mental baggage that my own upbringing has brought. You know, the usual suspects: feminine-presenting men are gay; not finding feminine men attractive (not sure if this is biological or social); social stigma and the base reality that many of us subconsciously desire an alpha male. Turns out, you can be a crossdresser and an alpha male and Davina has cleared this up for me. But still...it's hard to separate the two. Male image is a bitch.

But I agree with you. And I think you're an enlightened man for wanting more than you've been given. I wish women like myself were less affected by the reality of crossdressing. Maybe in the future?

Meanwhile, I'm asking questions so that I might better understand. I plan on asking every annoying thought in my head as I have an inkling it's these small thoughts that eventually erode relationships. Everyone is so busy discussing the big issues, the why/how/when, that I'd bet my boobs it's the smaller stuff that eventually pushes a wife away. The stuff that gets overlooked. It's this small stuff that's bothered me for years, and it's still not answered. Until now.

Now we're getting somewhere. So, thanks. :)

And of course, I'm half laughing as I discuss male image with Davina and Katie. (Maybe I should start thinking of you as Dave and Kaleb?) :)

Sometimes I think my confusion is valid, lol.

Dave and Kaleb?

Who are they? lol

We might decide to call you Vera!!

No way am I a Kaleb. Tried to pick something with no relationship to my own name. Picked the name Katie in a similar way to your porn name i.e. name of first pet and mothers maiden name.

Katie was my Nan's dog!

And that's funny, Katie. I figured the female names are part of the 'international spy' package. I'll have to work out my porn name and let you know. Maybe I'll choose a male one!

You don't realise how close to international spies we are! I've got an email account and accounts with a few women clothes retailers in Katie's name. So I can click and collect. It's pretty impossible for a guy to walk into a women clothes shop and buy anything without arousing suspicion. Lingerie is even worse, twice a year - Christmas and Valentines - is acceptable for men to walk around the women lingerie department without being thought of as perverts! Women get it easy - they can stroll around menswear without a care in the world, whereas we're always paranoid will be spotted and outed.

Katie

don't be so soft march into a shop peruse Womens wear and be proud and purchase whatever you like any time of the year and if they say "Is that for you" say "YES I can't wait to get home to try it on".. they wont believe you and you have a moral victory.

Its happened to me a few times and I've always said yes and they give me a look after laughing of yeah right Alpha Man!! lol

Christmas though is a prime time for Crossdressers to restock lingerie, hosiery and makeup under the auspice of doing a Christmas stocking for your wife lol.

Don't forget I saw the personal shopper!

Yes you did Katie and that was really brave.. My personal shopper is my wife lol

Vera works for me. lol!!

Asda, Tesco, Primark, Next, Peackocks, M&S 3/4 womens clothes 1/4 drab mens clothing... I cant even find shirts I like for work as I don't just want a blue one or a white one I want a stylish one but don't want to pay the earth for it.. then I walk through the female attire 3/4 of the shop with my wife and think look at all these options and colours and styles.. its not fair but hey ho we're stuck with it until we find ourselves home alone .. Lol "Home Alone 5 - Crossdressing"

You can be a butch Alpha male (Batman) and still be a crossdresser and agreed upbringing taught me to be this alpha male and to hide my desire to crossdress from an early age and social conditioning or brain washing is the obstacle in a lot of things.

We too wish women like yourself and my wife and others were less affected by the reality of crossdressing as it stresses us out worrying about you worrying about us and our relationships over something as simple as dressing up lol.

Maybe in the future? the next generation seem much more open to weirdness or what we today perceive as weirdness.

Please do ask every annoying thought in your head ...

D

We all like to conform to the rules that society lays down. Being an outsider is very painful and lonely. These rules change but only slowly. I think that younger people have less of a problem with gender non-conformity than older generations so the future may well be brighter for crossdressers.

You can question your own understanding and change your views but it is difficult to do. You are taking the right approach in asking questions to gain this understanding and who knows your own views may change an then you can pass them on to others. That's how society makes changes. You have to question your own understanding and look at the evidence which either supports it or proves it wrong. Davina has already shown you that you can be a crossdresser and an alpha male.

People in the media also help to change views. Eddie Izzard is seen as a cool guy and pretty amazing for running 27 marathons in 27 days. He also like to wear dresses but nobody really cares about that anymore. It's a small change and a step towards acceptance.

So ask away with all those small questions that are bugging you and hopefully we can help you to challenge your views.

Spot on Katie

I'm the same cook, clean, fed the kids when they were babies, changed nappies, and other chores around the house 50-50 with the wife which years ago I would have had my dinner on my lap when home from work and a pipe and slippers brought thereafter as I chatted to my friend mr chumley-warner in a very posh voice and asked my wife to fetch me a brandy as a nightcap before retiring to bed as she ironed my clothes for the morning and attended to the children lol.. We've all changed and the lines of whats a mans and womans prerogative has changed but not in terms of clothing, fashion and image which keeps us Crossdressers in the dark behind closed doors.

Your post isn't heavy its reality.. Keep up the good work and I may let you write this book with me my wife and this fab nameless wife we're chatting to lol

I get your comments on the OTT female gestures. I think that sometimes CDs are so desperate to hide the fact that they are men that they over compensate which results in their behaviour. In effect they become caricatures rather like a drag act.

There are certain female characteristic that most CDs will try and follow. Sitting cross legged for one. Standing tall with head held high instead of slouching like many men. Walking in heels and tight skirts does mean you have to walk in a certain way - no more big strides! I think what I'm saying is that how you dress will sometime dictate how you act. Many women clothes enhance their femininity and so it is a consequence of wearing them. It's really respecting the clothes and how they should be worn.

I do hate the 'man in a dress' that you typically see on a stag night. To me it is demeaning to women because wearing a dress is seen as a punishment and to be ridiculed. Those men take their masculinity to new heights to try and get a far away from femininity as possible - they'll go for the full on wide gait ape walk. Secretly I think many of them may enjoy it!

Again, I agree. The stag night guy is just demeaning of us all. I don't think most women think too hard about it, but if they did they'd realize that these are men basically think it's stupid and silly to look female. It's insulting. But most won't give the thought much depth. They'll laugh with these clowns. I don't laugh anymore. Crossdressing hurts me too much, I guess. I feel a little sad about that, but I know I'm also on the right side of things. It's better not to support people who mock women. Crossdressers support us. I get that now.

And moving your body differently in female clothing is expected. I wouldn't see that as odd. I'm glad you also find the over-acting female behavior uncomfortable. I think it it would make most people uncomfortable. Something for others to digest maybe? If you're a crossdresser, don't go public and put on female mannerisms. It will weird everyone out. That's some advice from a wife who has seen this in person.

I feel like I'm giving public announcements lol.

It saddens me that you don't laugh about Crossdressing as it hurts you too much.

My wife an I sometimes share a private joke about crossdressing or find some humour in it at times especially if we're with friends and the topic of crossdressing comes up and we share eye contact and the if only they knew look.

We also sometimes cringe at things said about crossdressing and I cringe if I see or hear something on TV in a film, or documentary like I am Cait where they're hell bent on getting Caitlyn to date a man... she doesn't want to!!

Agreed Katie I think it's demeaning to women and wonder how many men after this experience indulge in crossdressing thereafter. The ape walking etc is so sad isn't it.

Can you imagine my stag night and the boys say we're taking you out dressed as a woman and out steps "Davina" to meet them walking perfectly in 5 inch heels long legs long blonde hair perfect makeup lol they'd have a shock.. In fact they'd be speechless it would be a funny night where they'd all be drinking looking at me in disbelief lol.

I utilized a porn name generator and I'm apparently now Sindy Jiggler. I figure it's better than wife as I died laughing reading your post Davina with my husband calling me that. This is someone's reality, I'm sure lol.

Anyway, I'll quit bombarding the guest page until I have more thoughts to add. I haven't involved my husband here yet. It's a source of conflict in some ways...I don't think he wants to discuss it anymore and I'm not sure I want to either. It's better when we don't and honestly he has been open as much as he can and its really only me that is struggling.

I think I'll chat here myself and show him if I think he'll benefit. I mean, he knows all this already. You all do. It's us wives who are lost in confusion.

Wow Sindy Jiggler let me see you Jiggle lol..

If you keep commenting as Sindy Jiggler as this post disappears into the Mire off the page people will actually think that's your name and surmise you are in fact a porn actress lo..

Have a think and keep posting as I've had a few emails from people who don't like to publically comment saying this has been a good week for the blog and for help and advice so Yay!l

Apparently My name generates "General Peachybut" and Davina becomes "Lana Quickie" lol

I guess the reason people go to therapists is that they find it hard to open up to their nearest and dearest. Talking to a stranger, with anonymity, can let you say the things you've always wanted to but fear that it may upset the ones you love.

It's good for us too to express who we feel. It' also good to get positive feedback that our views aren't totally alien.

I've never considered I need therapy as I know who I am and what I am and I'm confident enough to trust myself and keep self control..

However if my wife had said we need to see a therapist about your Crossdressing I would have done it seeing it as an opportunity to speak openly with someone and educated them on Crossdressing..


I may well have enjoyed it.. But there isn't a therapeutic cure for Crossdressing.. Crossdressing is what it is and is so harmless

I'm not suggesting therapy is a cure for crossdressing. There isn't one.

All I was saying that wife found it helpful to be able to talk to someone about how she feels and the questions she needs answering to try and make sense of it all. I think that some people will use a therapist as this sounding board.

I also found it useful answering wife questions as it made me think about how I feel about crossdressing. I've tried to understand it from my wife perspective and knowing what is going through wife head makes it easier for me.

I know that we crossdressers can get a little oppressed about ourselves and forget about our partners. My wife may be having the same questions going through her head as wife but as wife says it is hard to talk about it with a partner sometimes.

As wife said she found it really useful, especially as she feels her husband is a 'Davina type crossdresser'. To be a be to relate in that way must be reassuring especially when there are so many different types of crossdressers (tampons .....).

The last paragraph on your blog reminded me of the Two Ronnie series - The Worm That Turned - where women ruled the world and men wore dresses.

Well I did enjoy the two Ronnies and the humour of Monty Python also ... and women have overtaken us and secretly have been ruling the world for years "The Illuminati" the enlightened ones controlling our minds.. lol

Continuing on with the questions answer session lol...

1) Do you dress like the women you are attracted to?

2) Why do many of you hoard huge amounts of women's clothing? Most of you don't dress all the time yet the amount of items that are accumulated seems very excessive. Its a very fetishistic part of the process. And before you answer with 'well women hoard shoes etc...', no, only SOME women do that and I'd suggest they also have a minor fetish. (Remember, fetish is not about sex - it's about the power an object or behavior is perceived to have over a person) Whereas I'd bet MOST crossdressers are obsessed with collecting women's items. Am I wrong?

3) Do you think you see yourselves clearly? I see a lot of men who think they look a lot prettier when dressed than an outside observer might think. Is the 'woman' in the mirror seen objectively? Or do you think she's clouded with the fantasy image you might have? I wonder this because some of the photos out there show there's some delusion happening. I wonder what the wives are thinking when their husband thinks he's the prettiest girl in town when really he looks like a clown. I hate to say it like that, but I don't sugar coat at you know. Any thoughts?

4) Do you think crossdressers become more obsessed with dressing when life is difficult/dull/busy etc? There does seem a pattern where young men in the carefree days of their life can crossdress very rarely and balance their lives well, then they hit middle age with mortgages and kids and slowly they disappear into their own little world where they imagine they're a pretty girl. I'm no shrink, but even a layman can see there's a form of escapism and self-soothing happening here. In fact, a lot of crossdressing behavior strikes me as a form of self-therapy. Maybe that's why many say they don't need a therapist?

5) I guess that should really be a separate question - is crossdressing a form of therapy you discovered as a kid? Was it a distraction from other things? And when I say other things, I don't mean necessarily big issues like abuse - I mean shyness, school woes, fear of monsters under the bed or any other minor kid issue. All kids have issues; it's part of growing up. Is crossdressing also a coping mechanism?

And interesting post on the Brillo pad chest hair lol. I still think there's a bias toward disliking it if you crossdress. I'm sure this was more noticeable in the seventies when men were hairy beasts and a shaved crossdresser would have stood out like a sore boob. But hey, ultimately it's your body and hair and men can do what they like. I think the wives just want honesty about it. Admit you're shaving because you look better in a dress and not because you're metrosexual. I just can't buy that as a reason.

Which taps on another feeling I've had about it, and that's crossdressers clearly don't see themselves the way other men see themselves. Other men think they look attractive as men. Crossdressers have an odd idea that they look more attractive as women. It's a self perception glitch because the reality is hardly ever the case. In fact, Joe Public is often confused because they can't understand why an otherwise attractive person would choose to make themselves less attractive, by crossdressing. It's incomprehensible, literally.

Because only a crossdresser can ever truly know. This is also reality. I can ask the questions, but ultimately I'll never feel what you feel, will I? But your explanations certainly bridge the gap enough to sympathize with it all.

I guess that was question 6, wasn't it? Did you grow up not feeling attractive as a boy? Or thinking girls were more attractive than boys? If so, do you still think this way? For the record, straight women LOVE the way men look. All of it, even that damn chest hair lol.

Sindy Jiggler over and out. :)

More great questions and as I read them the responses pop in my head like lightbulbs going off..

I will respond in a Blog when I have some time available today or tomorrow and sure Katie will chip in at some point and hope others will also respond as the more the merrier.

Hi Sindy

1) Yes and no. How a woman is dressed is part of the attraction amongst other obvious attributes! I wouldn't necessarily dress in the same way as women I find attractive. I will consider my age and physique in deciding what I can wear and what I can't. I will use women as inspiration as to how I dress but I don't think that that is unique to crossdressers. I thought the whole point of models was to inspire people. There are plenty of fashion magazines out there which appeals to this part of our nature.

2) I think that the hoarding is a personal and practical thing and as you say not something unique to crossdressers. I don't think that I have a particularly large wardrobe of either 'male' or 'female' clothes. I have some clothes that are over 20 years old (the first skirt I bought). I think that crossdressers are also affected by fashions and so will try and buy clothes that women are wearing. Again wanting to look fashionable is not unique to crossdressers.

My wardrobe has increased in size since my wife discovered my crossdressing but this is because I don't have to hide the clothes in the same way as before (you can't keep a big wardrobe in a small suit case). I am also a lot more confident about myself as a person and over the last few years I have done a lot or reading on the subject of transgender and crossdressing.

It has helped me to understand that it is part of the person I am and that I shouldn't be ashamed of myself for wanting to dress the way I want.

I think that a lot of crossdressers will go through the 'pink fog' when they can become obsessed with everything to do with crossdressing. Clothes, makeup, wigs. forms etc. This is normally after their secret is out the bag and they suddenly have this huge release of feelings. It is a difficult urge to control but by being practical you can. There is a pleasure in buying a new item of clothing in exactly the same way as I find buying a new tool or gadget. Again this is human nature and nothing unique to crossdressers.

3) I will always try to look my best. I'm under no illusion that I could pass as an attractive woman when I'm dressed. As I said I try and buy clothes that will suit my body shape. Clothes that reduce the appearance of large shoulder (v necklines) and give the impression of a waist and larger hips. The male is typically an inverted V but it is still possible to dress nicely which is what I want to achieve. I've made a few mistakes which have ended up in a charity shop collection. Men who crossdress get very little time to practice so sometimes things are going to look like a disaster. There are dressing services available to men who want crossdress and learn makeup tips etc. To make up a male face to look natural is not easy and takes practice. There is contouring to learn but essentially it's probably the same women. Too much looks awful and I've seen plenty of examples of women who've done too much and just look a complete mess.

I do know that sometimes the pictures you see on the internet can be pretty shocking. I've reeled a couple of times when I've seen what someone has posted on-line. I've never put a picture of myself on-line as I don't feel confident enough in my own abilities.

I should also say that I don't always wear make up and wigs when I dress so essentially I'm looking at a man in a dress. I still feel that the clothes compliment me and it's how I want to look. At the end of the day they are just clothes and I am expressing a feeling.

As Eddies Izzard says ' They're no women clothes their my clothes. I bought them'.

4) I wouldn't call it an obsession but more of a need. It does help to escape the pressures of modern life and I do feel differently when I 'm dressed. If I can't dress for a long period of time I can get a bit moody and short tempered. It's difficult to explain why and I don't really know myself why this should be the case. It's not an addiction in the same way as alcohol, smoking or drugs as you can give up on all those thing and live a normal life. There are plenty of instances of crossdressers going through regular purges where they'll throw away all their clothes etc to try and kick the habit but they invariably return and buy everything again.

I guess to a degree it's the feelings that dressing gives us that makes it so compelling. It does alter your mood for the better and denying it can make life impossible for those around us. I think that there must be a realise of endorphins or the like when we dress that affects our mood and keeps us wanting more.

5) I don't know why I started dressing when I was a kid. All I remember was trying on a pair of my mums knickers that were drying on the airer. From then on I was hooked and it progressed from there in wearing my mum an sisters clothes. It was before my teens so not really anything to do with sex or girlfriends. I never had any problems at school. Had good friends and really an unremarkable childhood. No traumas etc so I don't think that there were any external factors that triggered the dressing.I was quite shy as a child but that nothing unique. I train a kids football team and some of them are extrovert and others are quieter. I don't think all shy kids will end up as crossdressers.

I don't shave wax all my bodily hair. I intensely dislike the odd hairs that seem to sprout up on my back as I grow older. I can't see my back when I'm dressed and it makes no difference to my overall appearance when I'm dressed. My leg hairs have grown sparser as I've grown older and my calves are nearly hairless now. I look more like a patchwork quilt and so would like to make everything uniform by waxing. Maybe it is because I'm a crossdresser, I'll never know, but I just think a hairless body looks cleaner. It's nothing new, the ancient Greeks and Romans used to shave their bodies.

I think I'm a relatively attractive guy. I was never short of female attention when I was younger and still feel attractive to women even now! When I'm dressed in my male clothes I will always try to blend to the occasion - popping down to screw fix to pick you tools or paint I'm happy in my decorating gear, for a business meeting I'm happy to wear my expensive suits. Everyday relaxing is normally a polo shirt and jeans. I'm always clean and hate dirty nails. I try and stay fashionable and attractive for my wife. I don't think I'm prettier when I'm dressed as a woman. I just like the way it makes me feels.

I've always felt that women where more attractive than men. I can look at a man and see why he might be attractive to women but would never want to be with a man. The male body does nothing for me in whatever form it comes.

When you say straight women love the way a man looks what exactly do you mean? I have all the usual male appendages, I wear male clothes, I act as a male 90% of the time, my wife has never seen me dressed, I play sport, drink beer, fart and generally act as a male. My kids see me as their father and male role model. I'm not about to change that to live as a woman as I enjoy my male privileges.

I would be interested to ask you a few questions to see if my comprehension of how women feel is correct. Would that be OK?

Katie

Brilliant reply Katie as usual..

Have you seen the film "What women Want" with Mel Gibson.. the result is women don't know what they want but they want it anyway.

We differ slightly as if I crossdress it has to be all or nothing I have to have on makeup ad the full thing or I don't bother.. we all differ to a degree

I've added to my blog :)

Of course. Ask away :)

And I guess when I say we love everything about men, it's almost without words? We're drawn to men I suppose, and every girl will have those little things she loves over the others. Some love men with strong arms or a six pack while others adore warm eyes or a cheeky smile. But I'm sure most straight women could find at least one thing to like about any guy because we just like men in that way. Damn biology, lol.

Femininity on the other hand can be admired but I think it's a pretty big turn off for many hetero girls. It hides those things we are drawn to...the strong presence of a man, the broader body, that weird feeling of being safe. It's hard to feel these things when he's wearing heels and a dress. So cliche I know. But hey, crossdressers are pretty cliche, too. I figure you can understand on some level our love of masculinity if you think about how much you love the opposite?

Of course, there are women who also love femininity and no one is in a box feeling as everyone else. I'm speaking only for me and those women who might feel the same. We might be in the majority or maybe not? I'd love to hear from some other wives and how they see it all.

When I say we love everything about women, it's almost without words? We're drawn to women and every man will have those little things he loves over the others.

Some love women with long sexy legs or nice boobs while others adore Sexy eyes with nice eyeshadow and long lashes or a cheeky lipstick smile... some of us even like women with a personality, sense of humour and some intelligence :)

But I'm sure most straight men could find at least one thing to like about any woman because we just like women in that way. Biology, lol.

Femininity on the other hand is admired as masculine women always in Jeans or trousers and flat shoes can be a turn off for many hetero men.

It hides those things we are drawn to...the femininity of a woman, the shapely body, that weird feeling of wanting to make her feel safe. It's hard to feel these things when she's not wearing heels and a dress lol. So cliche I know. But hey, crossdressers are pretty cliche, too (I agree).

I figure you can understand on some level our love of femininity if you think about how much you love the opposite?

Lol soz

Ok, so I get a few things now. You don't feel cross dressing affects how you see yourself as a man, but in general you think women are more attractive. Femininity is preferable, yes?

Here's an observation - women can separate their very primal attraction to men from the attractiveness of others. I think most of us could easily acknowledge that a beautiful woman is more attractive than an average man. We also don't feel the need to wear men's clothing and look like men despite finding men far more attractive than women.

Why is that, do you think? (And I agree, hairy ape chests are gross lol).

Anyway, I hope I haven't pushed too many buttons. You seemed a little annoyed at the questions this time around. If I'm repeating things, please ignore them. My head over processes so it's possible I'm asking the same thing over and over again!

Good answers otherwise - everythingI know my husband would say.

That said, another observation - crossdressing is still a very big taboo. To this day it's considered weird (wrong or right, it just is), it can draw wrath and humiliation. It's rarely accepted. And yet, this life-defining behaviour often starts so small, with just a pair of moms knickers, and at any point here it could have been stopped. You knew back then that it was weird, so why didn't you? Did you enjoy being a rebel? I do, for the record. I look and act like I belong in the 'normal' life, yet get inside my head and you'll realize that this just isn't the truth. I'm far more interesting than 'normal'. But no one wants interesting.

Did crossdressing make you more interesting?

I guess it's very difficult for me and others to believe you put yourselves through all this taboo for a 'nice feeling'. For an urge. Surely there must be more to it than this? And yet, I absolutely suspect that's part of the general confusion. Everyone has been searching for some deep meaning behind crossdressing and there might not be one. Crossdressers on forums clearly feel obligated to preach about the 'woman within' but I personally think in most cases, she doesn't exist. I think she's a scapegoat for the truth.

The truth is what is written here on this blog. Crossdressing is not always that complicated, despite people like me complicating it! It just is. Some boys randomly try on female clothes. The end. Nothing more to it than that.

Why is it then, that very few can accept this reality??

As always reply in the blog..

Keep em coming.. I hope people are reading this correspondence as we're making giant leaps for mankind and crossdresser kind and women kind lol

Hi Sindy

I’ll answer both your posts in one go so it may mean flitting backwards and forwards.

I think that we all have our ‘ideal’ partner. If we all found the same things attractive then they’d be no hope for a lot of us! But as the saying goes beauty is more than skin deep.

I sometime look at couples and wonder how they ever ended up together. Wealth, power, wit and intelligence must play a bigger than just looks. Women must now be looking for certain qualities in their partners when deciding if he’ll make ideal husband / father material.

Amongst the rest of the animal kingdom aggression and strength are normally a prerequisite of finding a mate, especially amongst our nearest relatives the apes. Maybe there is some residual primeval urge that sits within all of us to still hanker after a mate that fills these criteria. It’s something that Hollywood and the media still play up to but isn’t real life.

In a modern society just being aggressive and strong will not provide for a family. Wealth and power can offer financial strength and stability. Wit and intelligence can help to navigate the difficulties in a modern society so maybe these characteristics are valued more highly than just aggression and strength.

I have friends who if you didn’t know otherwise you would think they were gay because of their mannerism and attitudes. They have a lot of ‘feminine’ qualities but are still married with kids. I read somewhere that women find the macho aggressive sort attractive during their period but the more feminine type male attractive the rest of the time. I think hormones have a lot to play in the way we act and maybe there is an element of this in why we crossdress.

I can understand you not feeling safe if he’s heels and a dress but if dressing is restricted to home and non-threatening situations then is it really a problem? I belong to a site where there is a guy who is in the army and an ex-cage fighter. Walking to his car one evening alone he got badly beaten by three thugs who didn’t like the way he was dressed. In heels and a dress it is hard to defend yourself no matter what your training is so I guess a lot of crossdressers have sympathy for women feeling threatened when they go out. I for one wouldn’t want to be in a situation where I put my wife in danger because of the way I was dressed. I am still the protector for my wife and family.

It tends to be the overly aggressive and strong men who cause problems for both women and crossdressers. Maybe society would be a nicer place for women if there were more men who didn’t feel it was some primeval right to take advantage.

Femininity is a social construct. As a society we have to label things, which can sometimes cloud our judgment. What makes a ship a he or a she? What make a skirt masculine or feminine? Why is a kilt or sarong masculine? Why is it blue for a boy and pink for a girl? Interestingly up until the 1940s it was the other way round. Society can change its views over time and unless we challenge those views as wrong things will never change. That is both as a collective and an individual. I like to think that my crossdressing makes me pretty tolerant of other people and how they live their lives. I don’t like to judge people just because they want to be alternative and think that we should embrace the different as it makes like and society more interesting.

So going back to your question ‘Is femininity preferable’ I think that many of the traits labeled as ‘feminine’ (compassion, empathy etc) are preferable to some of the worst masculine traits such as brutality.

I do think that women are attracted to clothes that were traditionally classed as masculine. A woman in suits is a quite modern occurrence and I’m sure that your mother never wore a suit when she was your age. A suit is a powerful item of clothing as it brings with it authority. A woman will wear a suit to become the equal of men in a work environment so I do believe that women have adopted ‘masculine’ clothing, as they are attracted to the feeling of power and authority that it gives them. Why can a man not wear ‘feminine’ clothing so that he can adopt some of the qualities associated with them? As you said before wearing dresses and heels does make you feel vulnerable and to a degree it is stepping aside from societies ‘masculine’ responsibilities that gives us a rest from being a man and all that it entails.

I think Davina has already touched on the fact that we tended to start our dressing at a young age. I remember swopping nightclothes with my sister and being told off. I was the one in trouble and not her but I could never work out why, as I was too young. I obviously had an attraction for girl’s clothes and at the time gender identity hadn’t really formed in my head. You’ll have to remember that most of this occurred during the 1970s when there was no Internet and very little information on crossdressing. In fact I don’t think the term ‘crossdresser’ even existed then. I hid my crossdressing because I didn’t want to be told off again and it developed long the same lines as Davina. It was enjoyable for the reasons Davina has already stated and not something you’re really going to openly admit. It did seem weird at the time especially with so little information available; the only reference material I had was a dictionary definition of a Transvestite.

Society is becoming more open to the idea of crossdressers and maybe attitude will slowly change as people realise that we are not some spawn of Satan that is going to corrupt their children.

I genuine believe that being a crossdressers is something that you are born with. It can be suppressed but it can lead to a miserable life if you do. It will still play on your mind and torment you so I think that you are always better giving into the urge for your own sanity.

As I said before I think that hormones have a part to play in the way we are. I read with interest an article on epigenetic. Basically they are genes that can be turned on or off by hormones that occur normally during early development in the womb. Maybe the genes that biological women have that give them a love of ‘femininity’ are also turned on to a degree with crossdressers. Who knows it’s only a theory but I know that the need to crossdress cannot be forced on someone in the same way as you can’t makes some gay.

I don’t think that there is some deep meaning in why we crossdress. It’s just who we are and part of our makeup. I don’t believe that it is a mental thing which is why therapy won’t ‘cure’ crossdressing. It can help someone come to terms with who they are but it won’t stop them from dressing. It can also help to lose some of the guilt that society forces on individuals who do not comply with the rules.

I think that the ‘woman within’ is really a confusion for crossdresser brought about by labels. I don’t know what it ‘feels’ like to be a woman or another man for that matter. I know what it feels like to wear feminine clothes but that’s where the comparison stops. I believe that people confuse being a woman (sex) with being feminine (female) so when the say they feel like a woman what they are really expressing is the feeling of femininity.

For transsexuals I think that that is more of a mental thing. Hating the body you were born in (body dysphoria) is a very powerful force and if that is how you feel then the only way you are ever going to feel satisfied is by getting the body you want no matter about the pain and suffering it ay cause. I think we all have a case of mild body dysphoria (smaller nose, bigger boobs, a six pack) – it’s how plastic surgeon make all their money – but for a transsexual it will completely turn their lives upside down.

I think that the question ‘Do you want a sex change’ is due to fear and misinformation about the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual (both now fall under the transgender umbrella). You can learn to live and accept a crossdresser if you can understand the motivations and reasons why. It shouldn’t call into question your own sexual orientation, as he is still a man. But someone wanting to change sex does create a whole new dynamic in a relationship as it is only ever going to be platonic unless you are bi-sexual.

You married your husband for a whole host of reasons, which are still valid. I know that crossdressing wasn’t one of them but it is only a small part of who he is and doesn’t change the person he is or will continue to be. Really it’s no big deal and if you can overcome societies conditioning then it will just be a part of him that you may not like but can accept. I’m sure he has other habit’s you’d like to change but that just won’t happen either!

‘Some boys randomly try on female clothes. The end. Nothing more to it than that’

Katie.

I've now spent a few weeks dressing myself up as opposed to dressing down for work and at home.

Some of the chatter has spurned me on particularly the discussion about how we find a husband then we stop making the effort to look nice for him and for ourselves and decide to wear flats and trousers and jeans and no makeup.

It hit a chord in me and made me think he's crossdressing and not wholey but partly whatever size because I've stopped dressing nice for him and myself.

I know it won't stop his crossdressing as its an ingrained part of him now but every morning I get up, shower have been making more of an effort with makeup and my hair, even wearing it down most days, I've been wearing matching undies and most days a dress, tights and moderate heels.

It has been refreshing for me I feel like a new woman going back to dressing nice every day as opposed to drab or maybe that's the wrong expression.

People in work have noticed and responded well to my new look which is really my old look revamped, he is over the moon that I am making an effort again and we went shopping last week and I bought new heels, a few new dresses, skirts and tops. We got him/her a few items too.

Thanks for the chatter in here between Wife (Sindy), Davina and Katie it's made me think a lot about myself let alone why he crossdresses which I feel is more insignificant than I used to think and worry about.

My fella is defiantly a "Davina type Crossdresser" too

More of this is starting to make a little sense but still don't know really why he crossdresses but the blog has given me some ideas why.

Em

Hi Emma

I'm glad that it's working for you. People do notice when you make an effort and positive remarks will only help to build confidence and self-esteem. Who doesn't like to be complimented!

That nice feeling you get is to a degree what we are trying to achieve. Dressing gives us a good feeling about ourselves no matter how badly we do it!

It doesn't matter so much about what you wear it's the effort you put in. My wife looks sexy in skinny jeans and ankle boots, I know that I appreciate women who make the effort to put together a well thought out outfit and I'm sure I'm not unique in that. Don't hide your femininity let it show.

As you say I don't think that how you dress will affect you husbands crossdressing but it will make both of you feel better.

I don't think any of us really know why we crossdress, there are as many theories out there as different types of crossdressers. All I know is that I can't stop and it makes me feel better about myself. It's a small part of who I am as as Davina says it doesn't really do anyone any harm unless you let it.

Katie

I'm sooo glad you're feeling fab pampering yourself and that you're getting nice comments at work after a few weeks dressing yourself up as opposed to dressing down for work and at home.

I bet your partner is over the moon seeing you all glammed upevery day.

You are right it won't stop his crossdressing as it is ingrained in him but it may slow it down or mean he feels the urge much less having you dressed nice for yourself and for him.

Sounds like you had a nice shopping trip and your “other half” got a few items too lucky thing.

Nice to see the blog having some positive effects on some real women.

I haven't felt this at peace with my husband's cross dressing in...well, ever. It's amazing how talking back and forth like this is helping. Emma, too, by the sound of it. I'll never really understand why he does it either, and I know there will always be a part of me that finds the whole thing a little exasperating (think Ground Hog Day, lol) but I can make sense of a lot of it now which is a big relief. Thanks Katie and Davina for sharing your viewpoint and experience with us.

And to the question from Davina - why do I think crossdressing is so taboo? I believe Madonna can answer that best:

Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like
Wouldn't you
What it feels like for a girl

That sums it up. To be a boy raises a persons status. A girl lowers it. Everyone laughs at the crossdresser because he's degrading himself by feminising himself. It's completely unfair and very offensive to us women, but that's the society we live in and I can't see it changing any time soon.

Of men who crossdress want more acceptance, they need to encourage all the other non crossdressers, and plenty of those who do who are equally misogynisitc, to raise up how we see women. As soon as we're seen as something to aspire to and not just to lust after, you'll have an easier time.

Though, again, a big part of me suspects most crossdressers are in it for the sexual kick and I doubt acceptance is really their desire. Half the fun is the taboo. And most of the websites for crossdressing are kink sites. I know my experience has shown me that this is usually an erotic behavior rather than anything else.

Here's my question - what exactly is so wrong with crossdressing being about sex? There's an awful lot of denial and even propaganda distancing the behavior from sex. I think this is silly, and equally offensive, as though kink is something horrible. Especially given the last research I read shows that almost 90% dress for a turn on. It often dulls with age and time but this was the main motivator. Why then, with so many dressing for sexual kicks, is there such reluctance to admit it? Shouldn't we also empower men to embrace their sexuality rather than pretend it doesn't exist in order to placate a prudish society?

Women need to be raised up. But so do men. Your sexuality is so often different and stronger than ours and I don't think it's fair we pretend it doesn't exist. Even though you dint dress for sex, Davina and Katie, why do the others deny they do?

Thanks again for the pep talks here. :)

Hi Sindy

I've added a follow up in my Blog page

Another cool post from you and nice to see some positives from Emma below too


Hope you're having a good bank holiday weekend so far

D

H Sindy

I agree with you on the status side. I do believe that women are considered inferior by many men. A woman is some pretty object that somehow enhances his reputation (trophy wife). Dresses by their nature make you feel more vulnerable and in need of 'protection' which panders to the macho male ego. You only need to look at Oscar's night to see all the men identically dress in tuxedos from head to foot. The women on the other hand are expected to wear figure hugging dresses that show plenty of flesh making them more vulnerable and in need of protection from their knight in a shining tuxedo.

Women do, however, have have a secret weapon. Those dresses are extremely sexy and it can cause men to do stupid things. I don't believe all women understand the power that a sexy woman can have over men. Men are conditioned to see women in dresses and heels as sexy and as we know sex is a huge driver for men, especially when young. I know it shouldn't be the case but if you want a man to do something for you dress sexy!

I do think that some of the taboo, as you say, its about a man in a dress somehow being inferior to 'normal' men because it shows him as being weak (in need of protection). I also believe that it is the fear that a straight man may find another man in a dress attractive calling into doubt his own sexuality. Macho men will try and distance themselves as far away from being 'gay' as possible. Who knows this behaviour maybe hiding a latent homosexuality. Quite often men who crossdress will appear to be 'macho' and do things to distance themselves from their own femininity. On one of the forums I belong to there seems to be an inordinate amount of ex-military personnel on their which many people will consider the ultimate 'macho' occupation. I also believe that women finding a man attractive in a dress will also call into question their own sexuality. I've always had the impression that women are more relaxed about finding other women attractive. It's hard for some men to even acknowledge that another man maybe attractive to women!

As both Davina and I have said sex was an important part of our early crossdressing lives. I think teenage boys will find lots of things sexually stimulating but in both our cases crossdressing started before we became sexually aware. Again this seems to be a constant amongst many early onset crossdressers.

I guess that when a woman wear certain clothes it can make her feel sexy. I'm sure that many of the young girls who go out dressed in short skirts and heels showing plenty of cleavage feel sexy. They know the effect that it will have on the men in clubs that they are trying to attract. It doesn't mean 'she's asking for it' as she will be dressing to enhance her own mood and feelings. Feeling attractive and receiving compliments, as Emma said, it's a huge boost to self-confidence.

Going back to the sex side. I found dressing a real turn on when I was younger but now I'm older it's not such an important part of dressing. As Davina says I can dress for a few hours now and may eventually get bored and change back to drab. When I was younger I'd just about get myself dressed before things happened - even the thought of it was enough sometimes. I think the sex thing wanes and gets substituted feelings of being sexy which in itself is mood enhancing. That's not to say I don't have the same fantasy as Davina but again it's never going to happen - how many fantasies actually do?

As I said before there are many types of crossdresser. From guys who will underdress, guys who dress as maids or victorian ladies, full drag or those just wanting to look presentable. They all have their various reasons. I think most are just 'Davina' type dressers but there will also be outliers who will have all sorts of kinks.

I think that some crossdressers will deny that there is a sexual aspect to there dressing because they are embarrassed by that fact. In other cases it maybe that the crossdresser is actually transgender and that dressing is just part of their female identity. I think as a group we all have different takes on who we are and how we feel. It's a matter sometimes of trying to justify our actions to ourselves that makes us say the things we do. I hope that makes sense as reading it back it does seem a bit woolly.

Katie

Hi

Just a few questions to get started.

I know some of them maybe slightly personal but they would help me to better understand how my wife might be feeling and what I can do to help her to accept my dressing. As you know it can be a delicate subject to bring up and although all the advice is keep the communication lines open it can also seem a bit obsessive to keep asking questions of a spouse.

1) How would you feel / react if you came home and found you son wearing his sisters / your clothes?
2) Do you think your reaction would be different now that you know more than you did before?
3) Would it be better if people were more aware about what crossdressing was as opposed to the media’s view, which tends to be gay drag queens or transsexuals?
4) Do you think better understanding leads to greater acceptance?
5) Do you think your husband understands your needs as a woman in accepting his crossdressing?
6) How do you define femininity?
7) If your husband reinforced his masculinity would this help you accept his crossdressing?
8) What would help to reinforce this masculinity, in the knowledge that he won’t stop dressing?
9) Do you think that the genders are converging or are women becoming more masculine in what they expect?
10) Is it fair that women can play on the masculine side but men can’t play on the feminine side?
11) If we accept that there are both negative and positive masculine and feminine traits is it right that men should try and avoid any feminine traits for fear of seeming weak and be the ‘macho man’ of old?
12) Do you believe that having asked the questions you have that you can accept your husband’s crossdressing on an intellectual level even though you might find it difficult at the moment on an emotional level?
13) Do you believe that there is a grieving process whereby you have lost your image of the man you married but that given time you can learn to love the new person he has become in your eyes?
14) What is your view of acceptance? Is it allowing him to dress in private, in front of / with you, in public? I think boundaries of what is acceptable are important so nobody feels uncomfortable.
15) Do you feel the burden of his secret?

If any other wives want to chip in it would be useful. I know that crossdressers can seem a little self-centered at times as it’s all about me so knowing how we can make a marriage better knowing the dressing is not going to go away would be really useful.

I hope I’m doing the right things but any advice is always welcome. Some of the answers may confirm this or if not they can help me make it better.

Katie

Hi

Here's my answers (writing this in work so hope no one peeks over my shoulder)

Its only fair that we answer your questions.
1) How would you feel / react if you came home and found you son wearing his sisters / your clothes?

Em – I would be mortified and probably try to stop it happening again but would talk to him about it and get his Dad involved although I suspect his Dad may be mortified too.

2) Do you think your reaction would be different now that you know more than you did before?

Em – Not in this scenario no.

3) Would it be better if people were more aware about what crossdressing was as opposed to the media’s view, which tends to be gay drag queens or transsexuals?

Em – Definitely as in the mainstream people don’t know there is the Davina/Katie type crossdressers, we only see drag queens, transexuals and how this is reflected by the media. So which one of you will go on TV and show the world you're normal blokes?

4) Do you think better understanding leads to greater acceptance?

Em – Yes it would lead to better understanding and I think some of the stats on Davinas blog show some women including myself have changed from upset to now sort of accept crossdressing. I suppose it's how we're told or find out and how well we can talk about it and quickly find the reasons why. Some of the reasons why.

5) Do you think your husband understands your needs as a woman in accepting his crossdressing?

Yes I think he does he feels very guilty for putting this on me so I definitely think he understands my needs in terms of crossdressing.

6) How do you define femininity?

Em – Sorry I had to google it as not really sure myself but I do agree with this.

A set of attributes, behaviours and roles generally associated with women.
Socially defined and Biologically defined making a distinct definition between males and females. Sorry its so society led but that's how we're brought up. Now we're discussing crossdressing more openly it's become harder for me to give an answer to this.

7) If your husband reinforced his masculinity would this help you accept his crossdressing?

Em – He can't act much more masculine so no

8) What would help to reinforce this masculinity, in the knowledge that he won’t stop dressing?

Em – See above nothing he can do more to prove he's macho to me. I dont need him to prove the male side of himself.

9) Do you think that the genders are converging or are women becoming more masculine in what they expect?

Em – I think its a mans world but women are clawing at more and more of it. Women are becoming more masculine.

10) Is it fair that women can play on the masculine side but men can’t play on the feminine side?

Em – No but its what society have currently decided is acceptable. Men who show fem traits are thought of as sissy or weak.

11) If we accept that there are both negative and positive masculine and feminine traits is it right that men should try and avoid any feminine traits for fear of seeming weak and be the ‘macho man’ of old?

Em – Its a hard question the answer is no there's nothing wrong with a man having fem traits but then my mind says as long as it's not OTT. Again conditioning? We're not or I'm not attractive to camp men.

12) Do you believe that having asked the questions you have that you can accept your husband’s crossdressing on an intellectual level even though you might find it difficult at the moment on an emotional level?

Em – Like Sindy and Davina and her wife I think we've come to terms with Crossdressing being something he does we feel we need to know why but no one knows why so on an intellectual level I don't know I guess I have some comfort in I'm not alone in this and other women have the same problem in having crossdressers as partners but there is this explained misinterpretation of some crossdressers and I think you are in a minority of crossdressers.
It still sometimes affects me emotionally thinking I'm not enough for him that he has to dress up but it does help him unwind and I know its not because of me he crossdresses.
It has spurned me on to make more of an effort myself.

13) Do you believe that there is a grieving process whereby you have lost your image of the man you married but that given time you can learn to love the new person he has become in your eyes?

Em – Oh yes I was very upset to find out he crossdressed behind my back for years in my things and that he needed to be a woman to unwind and for kicks it made me feel inadequate and really upset me and made me feel I didn’t know him. Chat here has made me see its still him and has always been him he's not a new person Crossdressing has always been something he's done and I can now see it as something he trusted me to cope with and deal with.

14) What is your view of acceptance? Is it allowing him to dress in private, in front of / with you, in public? I think boundaries of what is acceptable are important so nobody feels uncomfortable.

Em – My view of acceptance is being OK with him getting this urge to occasionally dress up as a woman. He can do it in private but I don't want it hidden from me any more. We have had a girls night in following reading Davina and her Wifes blog which went OK. It was actually fun trying to help him look more convincing as a woman which we both enjoyed. Definitely not in public but I'm OK him dressing at home or in a hotel if he's away with work as long as I know about it and I'm now OK seeing him dressed up again if I know about it.

15) Do you feel the burden of his secret?

Em – Yes to an extent as I don’t want anyone else to know our secret as they would judge both of us. I have talked to my sister and friends testing the water but given no indication its about me and him. Their reactions have led me to keep it between us.

Got away with tying this in work between phone calls with no one noticing I hope.

I hope other wives will reply and Davinas Wifes view would be good too.

Em

Hi Em

Thanks of taking the time to reply. I think that sometimes the way a question is phrased my not always elicit the response expected.

Going back to my own childhood when I was told that swopping nightclothes with my sister was wrong it set in motion a thought process that kept my crossdressing hidden from my parents and subsequently my wife. Knowing it was 'wrong' didn't stop it progressing. As I've said before it's something you are born with and not going to change.

I think if I came home and found my son in my wife clothes I'd be shocked the same as you. But I'd need to talk to him to find out more about why and if I suspected he was a crossdresser then I wouldn't try and stop it as I know the guilt and pain it can cause in future.

I guess that I'm coming from a different angle and there is no evidence that crossdressing is hereditary so nothing to worry about!

There are programmes which cover normal crossdressers on TV where it is no dramatised or taken to extremes. They don't often feature highly on most peoples radar as they're just not interested in finding out more on a subject that doesn't interest or affect them. So chances of me or Davina going on TV are pretty remote given our behind closed doors approach.

We've also got Eddie Izzard who is pretty high profile and is a pretty normal crossdresser. Perry Grayson is a different matter!

Femininity is a hard one to put your finger on. As I said before it is a 'general' rule set by society which has a need to label things. Being kind and considerate maybe termed as feminine behaviours but are not exclusive so it is sometimes hard to define. Also the 'roles' generally associated with women is very sexist. I look after my children which is generally a role associated with women and I don't think that that make me feminine. As I said before being a crossdresser has maybe made me more tolerant and I definitely believe in equality of the sexes.

I think where I was coming from with the intellectual / emotional acceptance is concerned is that my wife says logically she knows that she should be accepting and tolerant as it is just something I do. But on an emotional level it is something she finds hard to accept. I guess that she's not unique in this response. I think that Davina and I may have been able to deal with the intellectual side of the agreement it's just the emotional side that only you can deal with.

It sounds to me as if you are coming to terms with this in your own way and as the saying goes time is a great healer. I think that he is very lucky having someone who has taken the time to find out more and has embraced his crossdressing making it almost normal.

I think the burden is one of the reasons some crossdressers keep it from their partners. It can be quite a strain to keep something secret for so long. I've thought about talking to my sister but it never seems quite the right time.

My wife isn't really interested in talking and so discussing it here is quite therapeutic for me. I think the reason for maybe talking to my sister is that I can actually open up more to someone face to face as sometime things put in words don't always come across quite right.

Katie

Just seen this some good questions in the continuing debate and good answers from Emma :)

All this and I've not crossdressed for over a month lol got the fitness and diet bug at the moment no time for crossdressing..

The urge will return

My first time posting

1) How would you feel / react if you came home and found you son wearing his sisters / your clothes?

Distraught despite accepting my husbands crossdressing I'd not want my son to have to go through the guilt of dressing, which my husband experianced and havng to hide this secret, the fact if I found out so may others and going through all the denial and hardship of telling a loved one about crossdressing.

2) Do you think your reaction would be different now that you know more than you did before?

I've been reading this blog and chatter and I'll hold my hand up with Sindy and Emma and say it's been a useful read and has opened up my views sightly.

3) Would it be better if people were more aware about what crossdressing was as opposed to the media’s view, which tends to be gay drag queens or transsexuals?

I think so yes. Crossdressing needs some dissassociation with the rest and I agree about LGBT and other than it being a minority I dont understand why the T has been added as it does make us think omg he crossdresses LGBT omg is he gay?

4) Do you think better understanding leads to greater acceptance?

Definately

5) Do you think your husband understands your needs as a woman in accepting his crossdressing?

Yes he is fab. I could not believe he crossdressed until I asked him to show me.
He definitely understands me is very considerate and kind.

6) How do you define femininity?

Well im not one who dresses for comfort per say I like to look my best, wear my hair long and curly and wear heels and hosiery. So my idea of feminnity is makeup and dresses and heels and looking pretty.

7) If your husband reinforced his masculinity would this help you accept his crossdressing?

He is very masculine and although at first I was mortified in a crisis hes the first to act to help smoeone. Very macho and brave also ex forces.

8) What would help to reinforce this masculinity, in the knowledge that he won’t stop dressing?

Nothing I see no need.

9) Do you think that the genders are converging or are women becoming more masculine in what they expect?

Women are becoming more like lads. I hate ladettes and pint swiling sweary women who act like men.

10) Is it fair that women can play on the masculine side but men can’t play on the feminine side?

Its womens porogative to be hard one minute and soft the next. Men arent allowed to do this. Have our clothes but not our mood swings.

11) If we accept that there are both negative and positive masculine and feminine traits is it right that men should try and avoid any feminine traits for fear of seeming weak and be the ‘macho man’ of old?

Something society expects as someone has typed camp men are ridiculed. Women want to be friends with cam men but want to mate with macho men.

12) Do you believe that having asked the questions you have that you can accept your husband’s crossdressing on an intellectual level even though you might find it difficult at the moment on an emotional level?

It has grown on me from fear of the unknown to enjoying his company when he dresses as Kiera. Lol Kiera knightly gave him his fem name he said he had to chose one and he fancies her lol.

13) Do you believe that there is a grieving process whereby you have lost your image of the man you married but that given time you can learn to love the new person he has become in your eyes?

Yes but thanks to the internet and blogs like this and chatting to other wives its been a quick process plus hes been very open about his dressing

14) What is your view of acceptance? Is it allowing him to dress in private, in front of / with you, in public? I think boundaries of what is acceptable are important so nobody feels uncomfortable.

He does it and has done it a long time back before he met me so its not my business to try to stop or deter his dressing he doesnt rub it in my face and ive grown to enjoy seeing him dressed hes somehow different maybe nicer to me or maybe I like the feeling of being more dominant when hes dressed up

15) Do you feel the burden of his secret?

Yes and no
Tes as I want no one to know and I cant talk to any friends or family about it and no as its our secret.

Hi Hannah

Thanks of taking the time to post. It's really good to get the opinions of GGs as I think taking amongst ourselves (CDs) doesn't ever get to the truth about how are partners feel. Better understanding on both sides is the way forward.

Katie

1) How would you feel / react if you came home and found you son wearing his sisters / your clothes?

I'd probably be disappointed and blame my husband for dodgy genetics haha. But seriously, I wouldn't interfere other than to ask if he was okay, but inside I'd be sad he would have the difficulties my husband has had. For all the joy this behaviour might give you and Davina and my husband, from an outside perspective the confusion and social stigma really doesn't seem worth it. I'd hate any of my children to have a difficult life.

2) Do you think your reaction would be different now that you know more than you did before?

I know a lot more now and so I think my reaction would be worse now. Before, I might have laughed and thought it a joke. Now I see the seriousness of crossdressing and would feel a lot sadder to find my son dressed this way.

3) Would it be better if people were more aware about what crossdressing was as opposed to the media’s view, which tends to be gay drag queens or transsexuals?

Definitely. Currently, it's an extreme behavior done by extreme people. Ordinary men are hidden away in private. I don't fancy a change here though. I think private is a good thing. Do we really want droves of fathers and husbands coming out? It sounds like a good idea, but I think it would backfire. I think men could get away with pushing to wear women's clothing, but the moment you start wearing fake boobs and wigs you cross a line and something bordering on repulsion kicks in - I truly think this is a biological reaction to stop people hitting on the wrong sex.

I've often wondered why crossdressers pretend to be women. Why don't you just wear our clothing? That is more likely to be widely accepted. But I think wigs and fake boobs etc make it look like you're into costume wear and join you with the ranks of the Furries!

4) Do you think better understanding leads to greater acceptance?

Depends. It should. But like I also wrote, there's something else that turns people off cross dressing and I suspect it's this 'costume' part. Stop looking like women and I think you'll get more acceptance. Otherwise people will always assume you're transsexuals in denial, or insane lol.

5) Do you think your husband understands your needs as a woman in accepting his crossdressing?

I think so. He didn't always, but he does now.

6) How do you define femininity?

A series of personality traits society has deemed 'female'. Usually kindness, selflessness, gentleness etc. I don't think it is related so much to physical traits as many crossdressers would attest. Feminine men can look uber masculine. It's more a personality issue...at least that's how I see it.

7) If your husband reinforced his masculinity would this help you accept his crossdressing?

You know, I think this is subjective to each wife. If your husband was already quite feminine, then maybe it's less of a shock and concern? For me, the dressing can cloud how I see my husband overall. But not so much the masculinity but my general disappointment that he needs it and gives in to it. I guess it lowers my respect a little. Sad but true. Our perfect prince just ain't so perfect after all. so perhaps it affects his masculine I see him. I think my husband would say it affects me.

8) What would help to reinforce this masculinity, in the knowledge that he won’t stop dressing?

Well, the men who bring crossdressing into everyday life would struggle the most. So don't keep painted toenails. Don't shave everything all the time. Don't act effeminate if this is not your usual manner. Morphing slowly into an androgynous person is not uncommon for the more consumed dressers and I bet their wives struggle. If my husband did this, I'd probably leave. So maybe it's less about how masculine you are and more about how feminine you become. Maybe temper this and you'll be ok.

9) Do you think that the genders are converging or are women becoming more masculine in what they expect?

Women are definitely becoming stronger. We seem to connect this with masculinity but I'd suggest it's how women have always been (after all, which sex was given the hardship of childbirth?) and perhaps it's how it's always meant to be. I personally think women are the emotionally stronger sex so things are returning to balance.

10) Is it fair that women can play on the masculine side but men can’t play on the feminine side?

Again, if you believe in 'masculine' and 'feminine' then no, it's not fair. People have both traits. But I think what you're really asking is why can women look more like men but not the other way around. Crossdressing wouldn't exist if we were talking solely about personality traits - you can act feminine in combat gear. So why can't men look like women? It confuses basic biology, that's why. Women might wear 'masculine' clothing but they're not hiding their female sex. You can usually still tell that they're women. You are hiding that you're a man when you dress as Katie and that's not the same thing. Clothing should be for everyone, but I suspect this is not what crossdressing is about. It's not about gender equality - it's about coveting what women have. If women all dressed as hairy men, I suspect you and Davina would also dress as hairy men!

11) If we accept that there are both negative and positive masculine and feminine traits is it right that men should try and avoid any feminine traits for fear of seeming weak and be the ‘macho man’ of old?

That's silly. Men should be whoever they are. The younger generation will worry less of this 'macho' nonsense. Don't get me wrong, I love men, which apparently means masculinity. In this sense, I love the subtle difference between women and men, the broader body (and the extra hair lol) and having a man be physically stronger or whatever. But this doesn't take acting 'macho'. You are this by default. I can feel as attracted to a quiet gentleman as a loud football player! It's all in the individual, and these stereotypes don't help men or women. But neither do crossdressers, who haven't chosen to unite the sexes, but rather have chosen to dabble in the other team, and usually in a very OTT 'feminine' way. I'm fine with this. It's a bit of fun. But really, if you want full gender equality, crossdressing in skirts and and heels will have to go! lol.

12) Do you believe that having asked the questions you have that you can accept your husband’s crossdressing on an intellectual level even though you might find it difficult at the moment on an emotional level?

Yes. I do accept on an intellectual level. Emotionally, I think I'll always struggle as there's something innately difficult about it.

13) Do you believe that there is a grieving process whereby you have lost your image of the man you married but that given time you can learn to love the new person he has become in your eyes?

Yes, definitely a grieving process. The image has changed and some days I can see the man I married more than others. Of course, he never changes, but I guess my acceptance wanes and rises depending on how I'm feeling.

14) What is your view of acceptance? Is it allowing him to dress in private, in front of / with you, in public? I think boundaries of what is acceptable are important so nobody feels uncomfortable.

I tried to be involved and the image you talk about was almost destroyed. It was too weird for me. So now he dresses in private and I stay away. We can talk freely about it and I'm fine with this. I don't want to be involved otherwise. It's not something I would have chosen in a partner and I feel a little robbed in many ways.

15) Do you feel the burden of his secret?

No. It's his issue. If we separated, the crossdressing leaves with him. I think too many wives see this behavior as a reflection on them, yet logically this is silly. Most sane people would judge the husband, not the wife. I consider it good that he finally told me, but the burden is still his. He's the crossdresser. Not me.

Thanks for the interesting questions, Katie. :)

Hi Sindy

Some great replies and food for thought.

It is difficult if a child is different. My nephew is gay and he knew from an early age. It was difficult for him at school because he was bullied and it wasn’t until he admitted to it and stood up to them that it actually stopped. My sister has always given him her full support and unconditional love. It is important for a child to feel safe and secure at home and be accepted for whoever they are.

My sister has probably felt sad for him because of the difficulties he has had and even in our modern society there are still dangers out their for gay men.

I get your comment about ‘hitting on the wrong sex’. As I said before I think that this is part of the taboo about crossdressing. Straight people don’t like their sexuality called into question and finding a man dressed as a woman attractive just causes all sorts of confusion.

It seems to me that your big issue is the ‘costume’ part of the dressing. You can accept the clothes it’s just the boobs and wigs that push it over the line.

The simple answer is really that boobs and long hair in the minds of most crossdressers signify womanhood. If we are trying to emulate women then the closer we get the better. It’s getting as far away from the ‘stag in dress’ image as possible. I don’t want to dress to insult women but to compliment women.

Quite often the only difference between a male item of clothing and a female item is the cut. You need a waist and boobs to carry it off. I have a white cotton shirt in both male and female modes but they are not interchangeable.

Long hair is always a signal for femininity. How often do you hear the comment ‘is that a man or a woman’ said about longhaired men. I have a wig, which I don’t wear it all the time, but when I do it make me feel more feminine. I also have some false boobs to enhance what I don’t have.

Women have a number of ‘tricks’ to enhance their bodies and make them more attractive to men. I use those same ‘tricks’ to make myself more in line with the way I want to look for the period I’m dressed. The wig, boobs, make up and shape wear are all from women’s shops and not any specialist sites so in my mind I’m not doing anything a genetic woman wouldn’t do.

We all wear ‘costumes’ to a degree to fit in with the crowd we’re with. Whether that is a medieval knight, a furry animal, comicon , fancy dress or just a black tie do. People like to dress up, as it’s fun and a form of escapism.

My wife has never seen me dressed. I guess I’m trying to avoid her having this lasting image of me in her mind. I’m not sure if she has a mental picture anyway which may or may not be more damaging. My dressing is very separate from the male part of my life. I am very conscious to remove every piece of evidence that I have been dressing so there is no blurring between the lines. I think the only evidence left is that the hair on my body is trimmed or shaved but this is not obvious or unusual. Like Davina I will have stubble on my face quite often and don’t feel the need to be clean-shaven all the time.

I do believe that women are the stronger sex in many ways, maybe not physically but definitely mentally. I think that what I meant was that women are becoming more aggressive as they feel that this is a way to achieve parity with men.

I think the whole dressing thing is very difficult to get your head round. I’m not sure if I entirely understand the motivation but I’ve never looked at it as hiding my sex. I’ve done it to please myself self and not to attract other people. Maybe that is why it is such a private matter to many crossdressers. I don’t feel the need for wider acceptance it would just be nice not to be considered a freak.

If we all dressed the same then there would be no crossdressers but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Gender equality is a huge issue and allowing men to dress freely as women isn’t going to solve the problem and is pretty trivial in comparison. As you say it may well be a smoke screen put up by crossdressers looking for justification and I think you make a good point. Maybe we should shut up about it not being fair that we can’t wear women’s clothes but you can wear men’s and instead concentrate on the serious issues. Men wearing shirts and heels aren’t going to solve the gender pay gap!

I think your waxing and waning is pretty typical of other wives and partners. It is a difficult subject and believe me if there was a pill I could take to make it all go away I would. Life would be so much easier.

I don’t know how long you’ve known that your husband crossdresses but I’m guessing time has helped the grieving process. It’s a shame that you feel robbed in many ways. Regret can play funny tricks on the mind. If you’d known that he was a crossdresser when you first met him I’m guessing that you wouldn’t have married him. How different would your life have been had you made that decision? I’m a bit of a fatalist and I’d didn’t choose to be a crossdresser it’s just something that is part of me. If I’d made other decisions in my life it would have been entirely different but I like to be positive and look towards the future and try and make things better for my family and me.

I’m glad that you don’t feel any burden. It is always something that has concerned me in the past and although it’s an individuals point of view I think that my wife is also quite pragmatic so hopefully doesn’t feel then.

It has been useful getting the answers for you and Em. It has also raised a few questions in my own mind and given me a different perspective. Talking to others crossdressers means you only get one point of view and it’s good to challenge your own thoughts and ideas.

Katie

Your wife doesn't want to see you dressed? I agree, I'm sure she has formed some mental image in her head as to what you look like, but trust me when I say this image is less confronting than the real deal. And I don't mean she's thinking good things about how you look as I'm sure she's not. But until she's mentally ready, the imaginary vision she has of you is almost therapeutic and keeping her sane. I can't explain it, but yes this vision makes us angry and sad, but WE have control of it. Once you take that control away by revealing your actual 'femme' self, before she's ready, she can feel very scared and threatened. I can't explain it properly, I just know I've lived it so I have an inkling to how she's feeling. Don't dress for her unless she asks. And she may never. That's life, and part of the bummer of marrying someone who didn't know about it.

Anyway, you honestly sound like a smart, communicative, considerate husband and had I had even half the communication with my husband that you are able to give here, my marriage would have been happier a lot sooner. You're going to be okay, Katie. I think your wife will come around.

And keep the questions coming. It's therapeutic. I'm enjoying reading Emma's answers, too. So nice to know there's another wife here. Hi Emma! :)

And my kids are so gorgeous, and my husband really is an awesome guy, that yes I can feel robbed at times...but I'd marry him all over again anyway. It's worth it.

:-)

Thanks Sindy.

I don't have any problem in not revealing Katie and I'll let her take things at her own pace. What I do find difficult is that I still feel that I am deceiving her in someway every time I dress. I know that she doesn't want anything to do with the dressing which I respect it's just the feeling I can't get over.

We recently had some building work done. For 4 months we pretty well shared the house with the builders. I couldn't dress in that time which was really frustrating. It was a combination of things but I was really getting worried I was getting depressed. My mood wasn't good towards the end.

I wrote her a letter about all the problems and included my dressing. She commented on the other parts of the letter but said nothing about the dressing. Her way of coping at the moment seems to be ignoring it.

She did, however, take the kids out for a few hours knowing the house would be empty and I'd get the opportunity to dress. I don't know if this was coincidence or not but it helped.

I want to be able to talk more openly with her about it but don't want to rush things. I think she has to be in control and at the end of the day I still get the opportunity to dress.

I know she read an article of the BBC website about a woman married to a crossdresser. She never mentioned it but maybe it's her way of finding out a little more. As far as I know she never been on any forums or done any other research.

The difficulty is I don't really know what sort of acceptance I want. What I have is fine maybe it's just being able to talk about it more openly but then again she says she's asked everything she wants to know so doesn't see any point talking further. I just feel maybe she needs a bit more of an explanation but then again I don't know why I do it so how can I explain anymore to her.

She's not about to leave, we have a great life with great kids and to throw it all away would be stupid.

I guess I'm always looking for answers but the only person to give them her.

Katie

My autocorrect keeps wanting to call me Windy lol.

Anyway, it sounds like your wife is coping the only way she can. She knows you're a crossdresser (I'm not sure how long she's known?) and this information is perhaps too much to cope with right now. Though, she's not run screaming away so she's perhaps coping better than realized.

However, and this is only from my experience but I don't think it's uncommon, this is how I initially dealt with things and we eventually blew up into world war three. It was pretty intense, and I almost left. Not good. I think what happened was I only ever heard his side of things, and his explanations, and none of it sat well with me. I think husbands tend to play down some of the sexual aspects of the dressing etc, and perhaps even say things to try and make it not sound so bad.

Example - 'it's an expression of my feminine side.' Or, 'it makes me more sensitive to women'. Omg, these made me crazy!

My husband had probably gone to one of the big crossdressing forums for advice, which are full of propaganda in between the posts about how girly they're all feeling, and been told that you should say these things. But I'm not an idiot and I could SEE how turned on and excited it made my husband. He was not tapping into anything feminine that I could see - I kept waiting for him to become more compassionate and perhaps go help out some elderly people or babies or something haha. Instead, I could clearly see that he was more an erotic/comfort dresser so the more he played this down and said this 'feminine side' crap, the madder I got.

Anyway, we worked it out, but not before we'd all but killed each other during a month of warfare. Very tough. It really took me making a decision to know more, and seek it away from the source as clearly my husband had trouble talking candidly. The internet is brilliant at information - and other wives were my lifesaver! We did finally talk candidly, and it made me realize how important it is to know the truth, and not just some sanitised version.

Maybe your wife will need to know more one day, after processing the initial shock. Or maybe the only way she can remain married to a crossdreser is by denial? Plenty of wives do this as well. I'd expect tension eventually though, as you won't always be perfect at hiding it and all it might take is a bit of stray eyeliner to set things off. Be prepared for this, and have a plan what to say. The truth. That's what I'd say. In fact, show her what you've written here as it's sensible, sane, and there are other wives here who think you're one of the good ones. :)

My wife found out just over 3 years ago. We've been married now for over 23 years so it was a bit of a shock for her at the time. She did remain calm and said that it would make her want to leave me.

After that initial talk and a few tears (mainly form me) she's never asked or wanted to talk about it since. She said she knows she should be more tolerant but doesn't understand it. She just says it's something I need to do which is fine.

I once asked her what she'd do if she came home and found me dressed. She said she'd probably laugh - not to be nasty but just out of shock.

I think you're right about the big forums. I was a member of one for a couple of years but just found it got very repetitive and sometimes the advice been handed out just wasn't right. There seemed to be a lot of pressure to get out there and flaunt it - something I've not wanted to do. The best advice was always from the GGs as they'd often give it to you straight.

I used to think that maybe being a crossdresser meant my 'feminine' traits were enhanced. But I still see those same traits in non-crossdressers (at least to my knowledge) so I can't really claim being a CD makes me a better person. I'm the person I am and it is only society that labels them feminine or masculine personality traits which really only confuses the matter.

Katie

And you know, as an example of how unbalanced things can still be between men and women, isn't it odd that women get labeled 'crossdressers wives.' Footballers wives. Politicians wife.

Where are all the 'netball husbands'??

Women are not an extension of their husbands. We are individuals. But as long as we're made to feel this way, crossdressing will be a problem in marriage.

It is inequality but then that is something perpetuated by the media. It always bugs me that the female presenter always sits to the left of the male presenter on BBC breakfast. If there are two female presenters then the more experienced presenter sits on the right ( e.g. Louise). To me this demonstrates that the BBC considers male presenters superior no matter what their experience is, for instance Dan is the new boy but still gets the lead position on the right.

I read a book called 'My husband wear my clothes' so it is possible to phrase a title in a different way changing the emphasis. They just decide not to.

I have another theory on News presenters and its nothing to do with male to the left and female to the right.

Now my hypothesis

For whatever reason the predominant camera seems to be set tot the right.

They sit the female presenter which thrills me but may be seen as even more sexist to show a bit of leg... Pure and simple men tune in to ogle a bit of leg first thing in the morning in high heels ... I know I do.

I'll switch on BBC not for their propaganda but to see what the female presenter is wearing, how she's done her makeup and how much leg she's got on show.. Nagga doesn't half wear some weird stuff..

So there it is.. Same on the one show, same on ITV... Leg leg leg leg leg mm mm mm lol

I've read my husband wears my clothes too but there is a lot in there I don't associate myself with.

Ahhh but the do gooders are trying to unbalance things too much.. eg in one area in Wales in the last elections one area was a women only vote for the next MP now that is sexist.

It should be the best person for the job.

I don't know why women get labelled WAGs and Footballers wives.. Maybe its how they are portrayed in the media as dumb blondes who married the rich footballer… It's wrong but conversely we do see husbands of politicians and actress and other celebs called soinsos husband.

So by the same vane husbands are not extensions of their wives so whats it got to do with crossdressing? I don't get your point here linking this to crossdressing.

Social stigma is a HUGE part of why wives will reject a crossdressing husband. It should matter a GREAT DEAL to crossdressers because the wife gets labeled the 'crossdressers wife'. And even though she's not a crossdresser herself, suddenly this strange lifestyle is also hers. She inherited it by default. What will the PTA moms think? Will the kids blame her for their dad's weird behavior? Get bullied at school? What will her parents think?

Even if you never tell another living soul, she will FOREVER worry about these things. Imagine living like that - with constant fear and the knowledge that your husband holds all the control. That's why it matters that we're labeled 'crossdressers/footballers/politicians wives.

It matters a lot!

I don't think its the label 'crossdressers wife' that is the problem. The partner of the main subject will always get the anonymous tag line. Davina McCall and her husband?

The issue is that Sindy and other wives/partners are the wife of a crossdressers with all the social stigma that that entails. When I asked the question about it being a 'burden' this was really the response I was expecting. Maybe keeping the secret is not a burden but a wife / partner will always have the same fears that we, as crossdressers, have about being found out. It can affect us and our families both socially and financially which is why many of us decide to keep in private and in many cases from our wives and partners.

It doesn't make it right but it does give an element of protection for the ones you love.

My biggest concern is always for my wife and children. I know the easy answer is just 'give it up' but I think that that demonstrates the huge need that I and many others have to crossdress. As I said before if there was a pill then I'd take it.

I get Davina's points about it being harmless fun and a good way to relax. It is. But this fear will exist until it becomes socially acceptable which I think is a long way off. I don't see it happening in my lifetime anyway or at least for people of my generation!

Transgender individuals who decide to live their lives as women are becoming more accepted with high profile people such as Caitlyn Jenner. However, for normal people changing your sex can have a devastating effect on their lives and that of their families.

Crossdressers don't want to change sex and although we share some of the same social problems as transgender people I do believe that our wiring is not the same and their need for gender expression and identity are different from our own (CDs).

Changing peoples opinions one by one is a difficult task. But as with anything going viral it only takes a few to be on message to get it out to the whole world. Or at least those with the intelligence to understand that we are all individuals and different from each other.

I don't think that men being accepted as crossdressers will suddenly mean an army of men tottering about in high heels and dresses. It is still a private matter and although some people will want acceptance by dressing in public this would still be rare.

Katie

I thought of a question I've had for a while and have always wanted to ask.

Do you think crossdressing is a First World behavior?

Quite a few of the other wives I've chatted to on support forums have felt it is. I admit I think so, too. Apparently, behaviors like this don't often exist in the most isolated tribes. That 'third gender' thing so many love to mention when speaking of tribes is not the same as cross dressing. I'd liken them more to transsexuals or even intersex. It's not about physical presentation for them. But crossdressing and other 'fetish' type activities don't seem to happen in these primitive cultures. Ever see a tribal man in a Furry suit?? A gimp mask? A wig? lol

So, are modern men more bored? Confused? Exposed to more via the media etc?

And actually, the why isn't as important as how this makes the wives feel. We wondered how clothing and wigs and staring in mirrors can take up so much of someone's head space when there are serious issues happening in our world. Often right in our own homes. Everyone is allowed down time, but the crossdresser takes it to another level. He makes his downtime a part of his personality. That's a pretty serious hobby. Yet, on a scale of life issues, how important is it really that you do this? What would you do in a situation such as war or prison, without access to crossdressing items?

Crossdressing is a first world behaviour because our society makes it possible. I'm sure that if you took a member of a long lost Amazonian tribe out of the rainforest and introduced him to a crossdresser he wouldn't bat an eyelid. We'd all seem to be dressed in a funny way. They'd have no concept of gender appropriate clothing.

How would you explain that a man can wear a skirt but it has to be called a kilt, made from a certain material and cut is a different way. It must also be the correct length, if one element is wrong then it's a skirt.

We have to be taught about clothing from an early age to decide what is masculine and what is feminine. Without this early conditioning we wouldn't know either.

Different culture have different traditions. I went to India a few years ago and it's common for male friends to walk down the road holding hands in public. If you tried that in this country the best you'd get called by your mate was gay! In other countries men kiss and embrace. We're pretty emotionally retarded in this country because of the way our society is and the more exposure we get to other cultures the better.

I just watched an interesting programme called 'All man' hosted by Perry Grayson. The gender roles are changing and what used to be required of men is now different from the past. He was interviewing MMA cage fighters and trying to find out why they do it. To some it was a release of the pressures they have of being a man. Having to keep in place this hard exterior expected of men can be hard. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK! The cage fighting was a release for their pent up feelings and they felt better after knocking the head off a competitor. They felt better after a bout. Crossdressing is another form of release, as we've said we feel better, more relaxed and less stressed after.

If we didn't have access to clothes in order to crossdress then we'd eventually reach a bursting point. How that might manifest itself I don't know but if I can't dress for any extended period then I do become more crotchety and bad tempered. If I was denied it at all then ..... who knows.

Crossdressers can appear to be pretty self obsessed but if we all spent time thinking about the serious issues in the world then we'd never get anything done. Why go out for an expensive meal when there are starving kids in Africa, why buy a bigger house when there are homeless people on our streets. At the end of the day we are all selfish and live in our own bubbles and we'll tut and say it's such a shame but few of us will ever do anything about it as we're too busy living our own lives.

We were fortunate to have been born in the UK with all the privileges it give. As you said there are far worse things going on in the world than crossdressing but they don't affect you or me in the same way. This is our problem in our marriages and if you look at it in the context of what other problems there could possibly be then it is not significant at all. But it still is because it is personal to you and me and our partners.

It always amazes me how women stay with abusive partners. How did Rose West deicide that Peter was a great guy and that what he was doing was fine to the extent that she joined in? In that context crossdressing is a harmless pastime that helps certain men to unwind and should be encourages and not scorned upon.

The programme is worth a watch as I think it explains a little more about the working of mens minds and the pressures we feel. I know women also have their own pressures but women are better at expressing these feeling and don't seem to need the same release values as men.

Katie

Do I think crossdressing is a First World behavior?

I think so .. the escapism factor for us in the 1st world may be due to the stress of work and financial pressures to live a certain lifestyle.. I know in other cultures there will be stress and worries but crossdressing to escape them hmmm not sure . I don't know enough about other cultures to make a point on this.

We're far more image led I think in the 1st world and women in the 1st world have so much fashion to choose from some of which we men find attractive .. still cant explain crossdressing though.

Why do we wear a wig and makeup? Why not just a dress.

Having seen a trans person out shopping today in knee high boots, wide patterned fishnets, short skirt, leather jacket and her own messy hair and little to no makeup, a person having made this life choice it unfortunately had people staring at an obvious man dressed as a woman.

As crossdressers its not a life choice its just a bit of fun and its a bit of a challenge to us to want to see if we can look convincing, so clean shaven, makeup and wig is part of the whole thing for us.. not all crossdressers.

I only started putting on makeup following my wife making me up (for a bit of fun) then got the wig wanting to see if I could look more convincing.

A man in a dress or crossdressed without the wig and makeup to me would look strange but if thats all he needs for whatever reason he crossdresses then fair enough.

So, are modern men more bored? Confused? Exposed to more via the media etc?

We're not bored, I'd say we're over worked or our brains are over taxed in work and this leads to stress if we admit it or not.

My job is pretty full on constantly there is no slacking time and there is so much to do manly due to cut backs and reorgs.

I'm never bored.. I'm far from confused and the media I take with a pinch of salt as its controlled and manipulated more and more by governments which is sad.

Crossdressing has always happened I feel more men are now more confident to admit it and tell their wives and gfs.

We don't know how many men do it, tried it etc.

The why isn't important to us once we've given it enough thought but it is important for us to make our wives feel comfotable with crosddressing.

I've said before Crossdressing is insignificant in the grand scheme of the world and our family lives, communities etc its unimportant but important as without it we'd need another release for the stress and tension especially in a world where our spouses tend to make less of an effort for us men and crossdressing forms part of that compensation..

Remember in this we don't do it all the time we're talking a hand full of opportunities per year to crossdress. Once per month is 12 times …

True everyone is allowed down time, but how does a crossdresser takes it to another level once a month if we're lucky dressing different,looking different, harmless activity but psycologically straining a relationship if you cant see through the fact its a man dressing “as a woman” and think of it as dressing different.. It's not as serious a hobby as you think and thats what bugs us as to us its a big deal because people put the stigma on it making it a big deal but its really not a big deal but women can't fathom as we step on your territory.

On a scale of life issues, how important is it really that we do this?

Its important but unimportant as above why shouldnt we do something we find enjoyment in doing? Escecially if it has this inexplicable reaction - it helps us unwind and de-stress somwhow.

Its harmless but society has doen a grand job conditioning people to it being weird and wrong.

What would you do in a situation such as war or prison, without access to crossdressing items?

I have no idea, I suppose we'd have to find something else to do to unwind. We may still think of crossdressing.

Its a bit of a drastic question / scenaro :)

I dunno - maybe Davina will lead you astray and you'll find yourself on the wrong side of the law lol.

These are drastic scenarios, certainly - does make me wonder if there were any crossdressers in the previous wars, and I'm sure some are lingering in jail somewhere. I guess they have their fantasies and thoughts to keep them sane.

And you're right, society has done a grand job at making it into a tragic behavior. There are almost never any positive sides to it in the media or anywhere. It's Madonna's song again - it's degrading to be a girl. That's what society thinks.

And as for how many men crossdress? I'd bet the number is far bigger than anyone knows. I think 5% is a numbers found in research but I do remember another one suggesting as high as 10% if you guessed how many would never even tell a survey. I bet there are literally millions of you, especially going by how many kink sites Google has available. But most will never tell a soul.

That's really quite sad.

1) When you get dressed up for an evening out with the girls are you dressing for yourself or to impress your friends? I'm assuming that you are not dressing to attract any unwanted attention from men.

Em said how much better she felt about making an effort and how compliments made her feel better.

Women always seem to compliment each other whereas men just take the michael.

2) If you think you look good does it lift your mood? Can you change your mood with clothes?

3) When you are looking to buy new clothes do you look at the models and think I'll look good in that or she looks attractive in that it'll do the same for me?

4) When you think of your husbands alter ego do you think of her as competition (another woman in the marriage) or as part of him?

A bit random but we're throwing questions in that come into our heads at the moment.

Katie

1) When you get dressed up for an evening out with the girls are you dressing for yourself or to impress your friends?

Both
I always make an effort for myself but a night with the girls I probably make even more effort and i'm lost to explain why.

Women always seem to compliment each other whereas men just take the michael.

Agreed we do

2) If you think you look good does it lift your mood? Can you change your mood with clothes?

Yes I said earlier I don't do dressing for comfort much but I have my expensive clothes and my primark stuff lol I will dress in the expensive clothes and feel better

3) When you are looking to buy new clothes do you look at the models and think I'll look good in that or she looks attractive in that it'll do the same for me?

I think I will look good in that but sometimes you try it on and its like a bag on you.

4) When you think of your husbands alter ego do you think of her as competition (another woman in the marriage) or as part of him?

no just seomthing he does I don't see Kiera as another person in our house more like him dressed up and he looks ok but theres no competition

1) When you get dressed up for an evening out with the girls are you dressing for yourself or to impress your friends? I'm assuming that you are not dressing to attract any unwanted attention from men.

Both for my, too. I dress for me, but also its nice when your friends think you look good. I don't dress for other men at all. That seems to be a side effect of dressing nicely anyway.

Em said how much better she felt about making an effort and how compliments made her feel better.

Women always seem to compliment each other whereas men just take the michael.

Haha, true. I think this is linked to what Davina said - she can't tell when other men look good, so maybe when men joke around they're actually paying a compliment?

2) If you think you look good does it lift your mood? Can you change your mood with clothes?

Yep. But funny, the clothes aren't always 'going out' clothes. My mood can be lifted if I wear my fitness gear and don't feel flabby. Clothes can definitely change it, when they fit well! They can completely ruin it when you are having a fat day lol.

3) When you are looking to buy new clothes do you look at the models and think I'll look good in that or she looks attractive in that it'll do the same for me?

No. I know my size and shape. I might notice what she's wearing, but how she looks in it is irrelevant. I actually did a bit of modelling in my youth so I know first hand how rubbish the industry is. Those women don't even look like that in real life. I actually think men can probably wear the clothes of a model more than most of us as these girls are almost expected to have the body of boys. I was always told to do the lingerie stuff as I'm not boyish enough apparently!

I'm glad to be past all that. It's not fair there's so much pressure on women to look a certain way that getting older is almost a relief.

4) When you think of your husbands alter ego do you think of her as competition (another woman in the marriage) or as part of him?

Never competition. He's a man and no matter how much time, effort, money or whatever he puts into it, thats who he will always be. It's a part of his personality, I agree. But I wouldn't say there's this other woman in him as she's awfully annoying and seems very much like my husband haha.

1) When you get dressed up for an evening out with the girls are you dressing for yourself or to impress your friends? I'm assuming that you are not dressing to attract any unwanted attention from men.

I think women make more of an effort when they go out with friends and collegues and they don't realise how it effects us men when we have to stay in and baby sit seeing our wives go out all made up, wearing something nice and heels.

2) If you think you look good does it lift your mood? Can you change your mood with clothes?
My thought in this would be it must do and the women have said it does.. so why not make the effort more often? It works for us when we crossdress it lifts our mood. What can we do as men in this regard in terms of dressing in male clothes? Not a lot.

3) When you are looking to buy new clothes do you look at the models and think I'll look good in that or she looks attractive in that it'll do the same for me?

I look at women, models, celebs and think i'll try to do my makeup like that or thats nice I wonder how I would look in that dress or those heels.

4) When you think of your husbands alter ego do you think of her as competition (another woman in the marriage) or as part of him?

This hasn't crossed my mind I hope my wife doesn't see Davina as competition as to my mind thats silly.

Thanks for the replies so far and welcome to Hannah.

1) I think a lot of crossdressers will dress for themselves which is why it is always confusing that it is assumed that we are dressing to attract me. Both Sindy and Hannah dress up for themselves and not to attract men.

2) Clothes definitely change the mood of a crossdresser so it's the same for both sexes. I guess a GG can understand the power of clothing to change mood if they can experience it themselves. I know it's not the only reason for dressing but it does form part of the package.

3) I think men generally buy with their eyes and are not very good at imagining themselves in something on the rack. I am always inspired by the models or women I see in everyday life. I guess that I assume if I wear what they are wearing I'll somehow possess their attractiveness. Unfortunately it sometimes ends up as a complete a disaster! The charity shops do well on occasions!

4) I'm glad to hear that neither Sindy or Hannah felt their husbands were competition. I could never compete with my wife and my dressing is not some substitute for her. It's just that I've read that some women look on their husbands alter ego as another woman in the marriage. Maybe that occurs if he becomes obsessed and his personality and actions become too feminine - the OTT femininity that Sindy hates so much.

Katie

Chatter inspired a few new blog posts about what we've been debating... more questions and answers

We will never get to the bottom of this lol

Pretty well spot on with the blog.

I thought that this was a valid reply to some of Sindy's concerned and didn't want it to get lost further down the blog so I posted it again. There is a lot going on at the moment and unless you make the effort it can be hard to follow. So excuse my double post.

I don't think its the label 'crossdressers wife' that is the problem. The partner of the main subject will always get the anonymous tag line. Davina McCall and her husband?

The issue is that Sindy and other wives/partners are the wife of a crossdressers with all the social stigma that that entails. When I asked the question about it being a 'burden' this was really the response I was expecting. Maybe keeping the secret is not a burden but a wife / partner will always have the same fears that we, as crossdressers, have about being found out. It can affect us and our families both socially and financially which is why many of us decide to keep in private and in many cases from our wives and partners.

It doesn't make it right but it does give an element of protection for the ones you love.

My biggest concern is always for my wife and children. I know the easy answer is just 'give it up' but I think that that demonstrates the huge need that I and many others have to crossdress. As I said before if there was a pill then I'd take it.

I get Davina's points about it being harmless fun and a good way to relax. It is. But this fear will exist until it becomes socially acceptable which I think is a long way off. I don't see it happening in my lifetime anyway or at least for people of my generation!

Transgender individuals who decide to live their lives as women are becoming more accepted with high profile people such as Caitlyn Jenner. However, for normal people changing your sex can have a devastating effect on their lives and that of their families.

Crossdressers don't want to change sex and although we share some of the same social problems as transgender people I do believe that our wiring is not the same and their need for gender expression and identity are different from our own (CDs).

Changing peoples opinions one by one is a difficult task. But as with anything going viral it only takes a few to be on message to get it out to the whole world. Or at least those with the intelligence to understand that we are all individuals and different from each other.

I don't think that men being accepted as crossdressers will suddenly mean an army of men tottering about in high heels and dresses. It is still a private matter and although some people will want acceptance by dressing in public this would still be rare.

Katie

Good updates in the Blog and all this has been so useful to me and my husband.

It's got us talking a lot about his crossdressing and my insecurities.

Friday night having read your blog to date I noted that Davina would like a try on session to cut down on female clothing with her wife giving her the nod of that looks ok and that doesn't to rationalise clothing.

I asked my husband how much stuff he had and to show me so Friday night he brought it all down from the attic.

He's not bought much of his own but what he has bought was pretty fashionable and the rest was salvaged from black bags or charity bags after I'd had a sort out obviously he'd had a sort out.

We'd had a few glasses of wine and I found myself saying "Come on then lets see you in these dresses" to which he said "Well I'll need a shave and to put on makeup I can't just wear a dress as a man" to which I nervously agreed.

Friday night turned into a very girly night with a few bottles of wine and my husband disappearing to the bathroom for an hour coming back in the first dress, full makeup (which was pretty impressive) and long curly brunette wig.

I think he picked his favourite outfit as he looked pretty amazing as a woman which was mind boggling to see.

I have to admit he had a lot more dresses and high heels than I realised and also admit it was fun seeing my usually macho husband being a bit subby and nervous trying on dresses in front of me.

We ended up with a few bags to go to the charity shops, some back into the attic in a wardrobe he has up there and some found their way back into my wardrobe which we have agreed are to share.

So Davina and Wife the next time you have a girly night in go for it and claim some dresses back. You will wonder why you ever threw some out in the first place..

Thanks for this blog keep blogging Davina and those who are contributing keep on its very useful.

Hannah x

I'm glad the blog and chat are helping. It seems that you are making huge strides in accepting your husbands crossdressing.

I too have my own wardrobe in the attic but everything is mine. My wife and I are completely different sizes and the only thing we could possible share would be a necklace!

I can understand him being nervous and excited at the same time. I once went to see a personal shopper (only GG to ever see me dressed) and that was a whole melting pot of emotions.

Katie

We've come a long way pretty rapidly.

I've read lots of transgender and transsexual websites but I agree with Davina Crossdressers are niche.

I'm a size 14-16 and my husband is medium built so we're compatible in clothes sizes..

I wouldn't like it if he went out and went to see a personal shopper dressed as a woman.

This would be taking it to another level I'm not happy with.

Keeping it between us and at home is fine.

Hannah

Hi Hannah

I went out dressed as a man but changed once I got there. There was a lot of email correspondence before I went so she knew exactly the situation.

Looking back I guess I got swept along with what seemed to be the normal path for crossdressers on a forum I was a member of (dangers of forums). It was all about going out dressed, makeovers etc.

I don't regret doing it as she treated me as normal human being and was really helpful and polite. As I said before my wife isn't interested in my dressing at the moment so it was really a way of getting that confirmation I think we all crave. The personal shopper was in a London department store far enough away so they'd be no chance of ever bumping into her again or her knowing my true identity (paranoid).

Your husband is lucky that he is able to share his dressing with you now which will be a huge relief for him.

Katie

Hannah, I agree - the makeover with a GG would be too much for me, too. Katie, your wife know but did you talk about it after? The worry is she's secretly fuming and all this is compounding into resentment. I don't know her and you know her best of course, but it's a shame you can't talk at all about the dressing, even just to say 'hey honey, I know you don't want any part of it and that's fine, but do you have any concerns?'

And Hannah, I did the girls night thing a few times and weirdly I was okay for the first few and then it started affecting me sexually and I started to find him less attractive all the time. I guess I couldn't get the imagery away or something. Or, possibly I lost a little respect or harboured resentment as it did feel like the only time he seemed really relaxed was dressed. That bummed me out at the time. So I stay away now.

And love how everyone has their things in the attic. I have a feeling this is very common, That should be the title of our book 'Attic Secrets' or 'Crossdressers in the Attic' lol.

All this is still helping me as well. Hannah, I hope you keep chatting here, too. It's even better to have some other wives ass their viewpoint. It's great to hear all sides as a secret shared is a secret halved. Is that the saying? Maybe we will all feel a little lightly after this.

Ask not ass - seriously autocorrect!

I'm getting into this blog messaging now I agree it is therapeutic.

Well done to Davinas wife and to Sindy and Emma and any other real women I've missed for adding thoughts here its good to read others are in the same position.

Also thanks to the Crossdressers for being open and not annoyed by the questions.

The girls night thing was a first and it was fun. Granted I was quite drunk by the end of it but he didn't expect anything sexy whilst dressed and was just happy that I was taking part so to speak and he did look quite good as a woman.

I hope it won't affect me as it has Sindy as if we do have further girls nights in it will be similar him dressed, wine whatever just a social thing. I thought of it as my best friend trying on clothes and distanced myself from thinking it's my husband in a dress with makeup etc.

After the dressing he came to bed as a man and there was nothing that affected us sexually. I teased him all weekend about seeing him crossdressed in so many outfits which I found fun making my husband cringe which is a role reversal to him teasing me and the children. They had no idea what we were laughing about as we looked at a dress in a shop window and I commented it was too long in length for him and would hide too much of his legs.

I'm quite happy that it relaxes him when he dresses and I don't always have to see him dressed but if crossdressing helps him relax then I think that's a good thing.

His stuff is in the attic now, it used to be in a bag under the bed but grew in size and our children grew in size also being 10 and 8 they're far more nosey so up the attic it all went incase our girls found Daddys stash of high heels and wig and dresses.

Hannah

I guess I looked at going to see personal shopper from a logical as opposed to emotional perspective and it never occurred to me that my wife would find it too much. That is why it is good to get feedback from other wives and partners.

There was a certain amount of peer pressure (via the forum) but it also meant that I could find the right style / size to stop me making mistakes and wasting money in the future. I was a man trying on dresses in a shop (private changing room) with the help of the sales assistant. I had seen a personal shopper in the past with my wife for my male side so knew what to expect.

It wasn't meant to be some intimate experience although she did ask quiet a few questions about crossdressing. She was also keen to understand how she could help other crossdressers - more sales I guess.

Well done Hannah

1) You're now a blogger too
2) You have found its therapeutic
3) You've faced your fears
4) You've had a girls night in with a twist
5) I'm jealous you stole my idea for a try on session
6) You've had fun with crossdressing

Hoping my next girls night in with my wife I can do similar and have a try on and sort out.

I went up the attic on the weekend to get the wifes summer dresses etc down and whilst up there had a sort out of my female clothing and need to sort it out ...

Our regular comment 'a bit of fun' has made me scratch my head on occasion. Since when is fun so fraught with such serious social consequences?

And then I remembered reading a fairly smart blog (bluestockingblue) and a three part blog post about Grayson Perry. Apparently Grayson has done some documentary that I'd like to see. Anyway, he discusses this 'fun' issue and says there's no way men would put at risk their jobs, kids, marriages and general lives for a bit of fun. He says it's a compulsion, something you're unable to stop. Something you MUST do, which certainly adds a little less fun to the equation.

Anyway, read the blog. I'd link it here but not sure that's allowed here, Davina? But Grayson seems to know his stuff and he's convinced crossdressing is largely sexual and involves men trying to deal with parts of their identity and desires that weren't allowed...or something like that. I guess boys are never encouraged to feel sexy or soft or pretty or vulnerable or whatever. He writes it really well whereas I'm rubbish lol.

It makes sense though as Davina speaks often about men needing the relaxation and to have more presentation options to look/feel more attractive etc. Grayson explains that crossdressing is men forced to be masculine all the time, dealing with the parts of their personalities (sexual and otherwise) that are more feminine. You can blame the Victorian era apparently, as there was rarely male to female crossdressing prior to it, it was all women dressing as men as women were the restricted gender. And then the separation of feminine qualities from men's lives and all the froufrou clothes women were suddenly wearing saw this rise in male crossdressing. It seems when you box one gender in, it will seek freedom on the other side. Intriguing.

So yes it's fun, but I also know it's also fairly important to your wellbeing. It becomes less fun when you can't do it, am I right? That's the compulsion side of things. Compulsions are hard work to live with if you let them control you. I think that's the issue with some of the more extreme crossdressers. Men like you and Davina have struck a healthy balance, but I wonder if there are times you feel the compulsion to dress could almost win over common sense? What do you do during these times?

And yes, acceptance will balance all this out. Grayson apparently interviews people of the younger generation and there is less and less crossdressing in the classic sense. Boys are embracing their 'feminine' parts of their appearance and personalities, and Grayson even makes the connection that were men not so boxed into masculinity, transvestism wouldn't exist.

Let's hope there's a future somewhere where both men and women can be entirely whole people.

You’re right I don’t dress just for the fun. Fun or enjoyment is a byproduct of dressing along with all the other benefits you mentioned.

It is a compulsion, which is why I can’t stop. I know if I can’t dress then it starts dominating my thinking and I’ll try and manufacture opportunities to dress no matter how fleeting. Sometimes that can make it worse, especially if it’s rushed, as I don’t have all the feeling I want to experience. If I can dress then I don’t always want to or can’t be bothered. It waxes and wanes. I guess being denied something makes the desire even greater, which is really human nature. If I were told I had to dress full-time as a woman I’d probably end up in jeans and a T-shirt as most GGs do.

I am, however, able to control the dressing. If I know that there is any risk in dressing then I won’t do so. I recently had a period of 4 months when dressing time was severely limited but there was alight at the end of the tunnel. It was OK and maybe I was a little bit more moody as I explained previously. I haven’t been in a situation where it is totally denied but I’m sure that my mental health would now suffer in the long term.

I think that I have followed a pretty typical path in my crossdressing. Started pre-teen. Through my teenage years it was very sexual. Spent a period during my 20s to early 30s when I didn’t dress at all and rarely even thought about it. Mid to late 30s started again during a period of high stress. It has become less sexual overtime and more about the feelings and emotions.

I read the blog and thought that the section about the interview with a transsexual (TS) was interesting. Davina says how we are different and as I said before I think we have certain things in common, we all want to dress as women, but that is where the similarity end. TS want to live as women full-time whereas for crossdressers it is a release of emotions that once satisfied means we can return to our male selves where we feel comfortable. A TS will not feel comfortable with their male selves.

Katie

Been trying to think of a way of describing the difference between crossdressers and transsexuals (TS). The best I can come with is the TS want to join the army (women) whereas CDs are happy with paint balling (dressing up and playing soldiers).

Regular soldier probably look down their noses at paint ballers as they're not real soldier with all the dangers and regulation associated with the army. Paint baller get all the thrills without the dangers and can then go back to their regular lives without having to experience any of the regulation.

Did you notice how Grayson is a bit scathing of the transsexual? I suspect, and this might be just how I see it, that he doesn't think most are legit. He keeps making comments that she (the TS) is acting very manly, and I have to add here that I'd say the same of Caitlyn Jenner! So I was quite interested when Grayson says he thinks transsexualism is mostly a male phenomenon because it's men dealing with an identity problem in a very male way. Something about lifting up the hood and rearranging things or whatever.

Omg, is he right? I suddenly wondered if there are less female to male transsexuals because many are 'fixing' their problem in a female way - by conversation and therapy and learning to live with having a female body. Men are chopping off their boy bits and getting a new set of wheels while women negotiate life with the ride they were given.

I wouldn't be surprised if this is how it is. I have visited (mistakenly) some of the crossdresser forums and regretted it. I really have. But I'll tell you something - very few of those talking on them were female minded. We women can often tell our own kind, as would you, so that's something that gets forgotten. BUT, I could also tell on occasion those who were different. I talked to a couple of TS and it was like chatting to my sister. I don't ever feel this with my husband or here or the forums. I read a statistic once that it's very rare - true transsexualism. I don't even think that's a good name for the women who are born men. They're women with a disease - they don't have a functional female body as such. Anyway in talking to them I could sense the difference immediately.

This will get me hated on I'm sure, but I thought the rest of the so called TS on these forums were crossdressers on crack. And in my mind, Caitlyn Jenner is Bruce Jenner the crossdresser with too much time and money at his/her disposable. Of course, it's up to the person and if this is how they want to spend their lives then whatever. Their impact on our lives will hopefully be minimal.

But it's HUGE for those who are true TS. Again, they don't even want to be called TS because they're women, unlike the fantasy lot who get off on the whole transition process. I don't think there's a gender continuum at all. I think most people are happy with the binary model and that this 'continuum' is something made up by crossdressers trying to gain acceptance via the struggle of others. Remember, we're not talking about men's right to freedom of feminine expression here, but their right to possess the role of a woman. This a very different thing.

Why does this concern wives? Because it affects our identity as women when anyone wearing a dress can claim to be one of us. That's not fair, and in a hundred ways it's patriachy at its worst. Women are literally being told what it's like to be female by MEN!

Gah!!

So, in my mind, crossdressing is entirely different from the very rare, true gender condition of women born as men (need a new label for it). And entirely related to the not uncommon transsexual condition which involves a crossdresser taking his compulsion to the extreme. A man solving a problem in a very male way - he wants to experience more femininity so he lifts the hood and rearranges things!

Thank god for you and Davina, for if I had stumbled here and discovered a world of sane, rational, controlled crossdressing men I wouldn't believe my husband because I'd assume he was like everyone else! The minority always shouts the loudest - and in this case you're screwed as the loudest crossdressers are the ones you don't want your wives reading about!

And I like the paintball analogy - it's a good way of describing a complicated situation! :)

I don't like to discuss Transexuals and Trans people further to the right than me as the blog is about Crossdressing and Crossdressing and Trsansexualism is chalk and cheese so will let Grason crack on and state what he likes .. I will say the difference is the same as being a woman and playing at it which is what crossdressers do.
Being a Transexual is serious Crossdressing is not.
There maybe less female to male transsexuals not because because many are 'fixing' their problem in a female way but because women can look like and behave as they like.
Gay men by in large dress as men, Gay women well some dress as men.. so are they crossdressing openly or are they dressing as men as they're the butch lesbian in the relationship..
I have no idea the numbers of female to male transexuals but its a poor option compared to the other way around why would you want to grow body and facial hair and restrict yourself to only ¼ of a department store.
What we want as crossdressers repeating myself is acceptance of it being harmless and no where near transexualism and not all about sex and not at all about sexuality.
LGBT!!! NOOoooo!.
I'm not talking about men's right to freedom of feminine expression here either or our right to possess the role of a woman.
Crossdressing - It's just dressing up..Just dressing up yet as Sindy states this just dressing up somehow psychologically affects our wives and girlfriends identity as women but were not wearing a dress to claim to be a woman.. totally not what Crossdressers are trying to do.. look and act like a woman occasionally maybe but not trying to be women.
Sindy says it is not fair… but is it fair to tell a man he cant dress up like a woman if he wants to?
Patriachy at its worse try repression and equality?
Men who crossdress aren't telling women what its like to be female .. remember a bit of fun and relaxation .. I'm not telling any women how it is to be female at all..
Something we have found in the chatter is women are becoming more masculine and women are moving away from what men like in women in the way women present themselves.. Comfort over glam.
I agree that crossdressing is entirely different from women born as men but disagree with the thought that Women born as men is a very rare, true gender condition.
Crossdressing is a million miles the other direction from what is deemed a very rare true gender condition and also a million miles away from the not uncommon transsexual condition.
I don't think there is a difference between a true gender condition and a transexual they are the same thing.
Becoming a transexual is in no way a crossdresser taking his compulsion to the extreme it is a million miles away from what a crossdresser is that is not saying that a man who crossdresses may not want to move up the ranks of trans to true transvestite and onto a full sex change… but this is not part of this blog.. this blog is the “I'm happy being a crossdresser blog” and the “I'm never going to be anything but a crossdresser” blog.
A man solving a problem in a very male way wanting to experience more femininity “so he lifts the hood and rearranges things!” - a transexual would find that very offensive.

There are some sane, rational, controlled crossdressing men and we are a niche minority but unfortunately Sindy is right we are screwed as the loudest crossdressers are the ones we don't want our wives reading about

I would assume everything Grayson Perry says about the 'trans' side is offensive. Not so much crossdressing but he seems fairly skeptical about transsexualism. I guess he's a brave man there...he'd have to be given he goes out publicly wearing little bo peep gear lol.

And really, I'm not particularly interested in the trans side of all this. I was just responding to Katie's pondering of the difference between crossdressers and transexuals, and this 'bit of fun' issue. My husband, since talking truthfully, has pushed me to look more into the 'fetish' side of dressing as that's where he see it. It's a fun, kinky, erotic, relaxing compulsion. I'd agree with this from what I've witnessed. How the others choose to live is not relevant - if you don't mind being lumped in with them, that is. Crossdressers seem to have inherited the transexual movement whether they relate or not. I guess the T in LGBT realized they were an insignificant number without you.

Though, I'm not sure how useful having crossdressers in the movement is to anyone. Seems it might backfire when Little Bo Peep joins the conversation lol.

Anyway, back to crossdressing...

But one thing - I disagree that transsexualism is always different and authentic. I have read enough to see some crossdressing men can become obsessive and push a compulsion to the limit and decide to live full time. (The things Caitlyn Jenner says and does is why I question her motives.) I had transwomen email me and tell me they had met MANY crossdressers at their support meetings who were doing exactly this. These transwomen were far more offended by crossdressing men having surgery than anything Grayson Perry could say.

Anyway, enough on this topic.

Maybe he was being scathing because she was self-medicating. From what I have read and watched there is quite a rigorous process for a transsexual to go through to become a woman via the NHS. Taking a short cut (excuse the pun) by going privately and not going through the psychiatric tests may be a way of avoiding the truth that they are not actually transsexual.

Maybe in some instances it’s even a form of self-harm but I’m not sufficiently qualified to start making assumptions about what motivates people to do certain things. The mind is a very complex thing and people will get all sorts of ideas into their heads as they search for answers. Quite often we are searching for people who confirm our own views or who seem to be like us. This can make Internet forums very dangerous.

If they found someone who had gone down the path full surgery and said ‘she sounds just like me that what I need to do to solve my problems’ then that may be enough to push someone down the wrong path without taking the proper medical advice. They can buy the hormones on the Internet and get an off the shelf op in Thailand so who wants a psychiatrist telling them they’re wrong!

I don’t know enough about Caitlyn Jenner to comment on her. I haven’t watched any of the TV stuff so it’s only snippets I’ve picked up in the press, which isn’t always balanced.

I don’t like the term transsexual and I don’t think the community particularly likes it themselves. It seems a bit cold and medical and as you say once a man has become a woman that should be the end of the ‘trans’ part as she is now a woman. For a transsexual to become a woman or man it is a huge deal as the whole dynamics of relationships with family, friends and society change. As well as the physical side there is also the mental side to cope with and having corresponded with a couple I can feel their pain.

I’ve seen men describe themselves as being half male and half female. This is not physical but mental and is really the fault of assigning characteristics as masculine and feminine. They think ‘I have feminine characteristic therefore I am part female’.

Sex is biological but gender is a social construct so the ‘continuum’ is just another social construct to describe how people feel /express themselves. It makes it all very confusing. Am I mainly masculine with a few feminine traits or just a male?

This is what makes the whole transgender thing confusing as well. Transsexuals and crossdressers are being lumped under the same umbrella when really we have two very different sets of motivations and aims.

I think that men have an ideal of what they think feminine should be. After all part of our alter ego is our view of femininity – maybe even femininity should be substituted for sexy. Having said that some women can look feminine (sexy) in a black sack whereas other just can’t what ever they try. Some of it is how comfortable you are with your own femininity and you can see that some women are just uncomfortable with the whole dress and heels thing. Maybe it’s a way of them hiding their sexuality and wanting to disappear.

I sometime have this thought that pops into my head when I see a beautifully dressed woman. I think ‘I know what it feels like wearing those clothes’. I never think I know what it feels like to be a woman. I would even struggle to describe what it feels like to be a man. As far as I concerned were all individuals made up of thoughts and feeling that somehow conspire to make us the people we are. Some of it social conditioning and some of it is our natural make up (nature and nurture).

I know I like to have my thoughts challenged and it’s been a long journey to get to where I am today. It’s good to get your views and that of the other wives and partners here as it does make me look at things from a different angle instead of always finding opinions that agree.

Please keep asking questions and challenging our points of view. Together we may come up with some good answers.

Katie

Interesting stuff Sindy - See my blog I've made another article out of you post and by all means link in a link to other sources here if you feel they will help

D

We've come on leaps and bounds in the last few weeks in terms of talking about crossdressing and laughing about it.

I laugh at the way I initially reacted in horror.

Were now reading the blog together and he agrees with Davina and disagrees with Grayson to the same extent in that he says no one can speak for him, Davina or Katie or anyone else as there is no one motivation to want to cross dress so why do men crossdress it seems has no one answer but lots of little answers combined and interchangeable.

He says it's become a fun thing to do more than anything when he has a chance to dress up.

He also says he's had his fix and the urge will return soon and that my current new acceptance has him feeling better about crossdressing and reading all this has me feeling better about it if it's for the fun and escapism reason and nothing more than dressing up or as Davina put in one blog like his wife I think of to as fancy dress.

Keep the debate going

EM X

My wife had a joke that men spend so much time closely guarding the contents of there lofts that they must have a whore up there!

I guess in a way I do.

When she first found out about my crossdressing one of her concerns was the condition of the clothes. Were they clean? She seemed horrified by the thought of dirty clothes stuffed in a suitcase.

They weren't which in itself causes a problem. I have to wash and dry them in a limited time frame which is OK during the summer months (full sunshine) or winter (radiators) but the rest of the year is difficult.

I don't want to wash them with hers because it then shoving it in her face. Equally it's me doing things behind her back again which I don't like. Not sure what the answer is but open to suggestions.

The other issue is everything is now stored in a wardrobe and small chest of draws along with my diving gear an other clothes put aways for storage.

It can make everything a bit musty over time and I'd love to have my now draw and place in a wardrobe downstair. Obviously it would need to be inaccessible to prying eyes.! Do you think that this is reasonable or is it a step to far?

One more question. I have often though about telling my sister. I find it difficult to talk to my wife and would like that face to face contact to discuss my crossdressing. Do you think I am within my rights to speak to her without speaking to my wife first? I don't think I should but wonder how you'd feel if your husband spoke to someone else about his crossdressing without telling you first.

Katie

I've only put my stuff up the attic as I needed the space under the bed and my kids are getting older though they'd never suspect the clothes were mine.

If she has concerns about you wearing dirty clothes and knows you crossdress but doesn't want to see you dressed then washing the clothes and drying them shouldn't be an issue.... But you will have to talk to her about this and put it gently in a I'm not rubbing it in your face but I need to wash the clothes and dry them.

I wash my stuff and stick it in the tumble drier I don't think my wife has an issue with this.

Again if you want to move "Katies" clothes downstairs you have to discuss it with your wife as her conditions being she wants no part and no evidence etc so the clothes downstairs I think is a no no at the moment.

1) Why do you want to tell your sister? What if she assumes you're gay, a pervert etc?

2) Don't tell anyone without your wifes blessing to pass on your secret..

3) Tell your sister she tells someone else even in confidence and the secret is out and people will look at your wife differently having an indirect effect on her.

I'm sure the Girls will add their thoughts soon but the above are my thoughts

D

I don't think my sister would think I was a pervert and certainly not gay. She is a very accepting and tolerant person - my nephew is gay and she has no problem with that at all. She's always been supportive and kept his 'secret' until he wanted to let everyone know.

I think the reason for telling my sister is that she would then be someone that my wife could confide in and talk openly about my crossdressing without being judged. If you like she would be a mediator.

I haven't told and wouldn't without first speaking to my wife. In moments of 'pink fog' I've thought about it but never got any further.

Washing and storage aren't a particularly big issue. I keep everything clean - I guess it's a form of acceptance if thing can be washed and stored in the 'open'.

Katie

Ask her about washing your things she will know you need to or do it when home alone.

Leave your things out of sight in the attic.

Do not tell your sister at least not without talking to your wife about it first and gaining her agreement to let another person know you crossdress.

Why do you want to tell someone else? I'd not be happy.

Em

Thanks Em.

Maybe take the clothes to a laundrette out of the area? Who cares what complete strangers think of what you're washing. Maybe they're your girlfriends and you're just a very considerate guy! :)

And I'd be very wary of the sister issue. Absolutely don't tell her without talking to your wife first. But know that sister's and friends and parents can all react the same, and even worse, than your wife. I've told a couple of friends over the years, for general sanity, and one shrugged and didn't care. The other was utterly perplexed and I swear it took a while for her to look at my husband the same again. (Yes, he did know).

And neither of them ever wanted to talk about it again lol.

I'm not sure what you wish to discuss with your sister about crossdressing, Katie, but the honest truth is few people will be interested who aren't themselves crossdressers. There seems a very strong need in men who crossdress to tell people and be seen by others. Validation has been mentioned here, but of what? How good you are at your craft? Loneliness? Usually, people share 'hobbies' or activities with others who enjoy the same. Unless your wife and sister also crossdress, these are not the right people. Women might wear women's clothing and other feminine trappings but we are not natural allies of the crossdresser. They're just our clothes and don't hold the significance in our lives that they do for you.

Remember, it can't be unsaid. Your sister won't thank you for telling her, especially if she reacts poorly, and many a family member has wished they'd never known. Unless you're about to live as a woman fulltime, it won't be much different than if you informed her you love butt plugs and are wearing one right now! lol. People love to believe everyone needs and wants to know everything about everyone otherwise we're all living a lie. NOT TRUE. Most people want to get through life absorbing as little impact from others as possible. They're barely interested in people's public lives, let alone what they do in private. I suspect part of the reason crossdressers have such a hard time with general acceptance is most people feel it's not something they need to know. And this is key. It doesn't matter that you WANT to tell people, Katie. Do these people NEED to know?

Can you join a local support group for crossdressers maybe? I think this is the rare case when if your wife won't approve of a support group that you'd be within rights to go anyway. Being around like-minded people who can help you live better with this issue is best for you both, and I'm pretty sure these groups are like the CIA for discretion!

And I'll add - wives and partners need to know, so you did the right thing telling your wife, Katie. It impacts our lives sexually and otherwise. Usually, we need to know before the relationship gets serious so we can make a decision, but that's a whole other issue lol.

Everyone else should be case by case, and I'd suggest unless you're actively dressing around them, then almost no one else would be on the list, kids included. I don't know what everyone else thinks of the kid issue, but I don't agree with telling them. It's one of my deal-breakers in the marriage. I feel it would be selfish to tell as not only would it cause enormous confusion and pain for them (we're all adults here and we don't seem to get it!), it would only be so my husband could slack off with hiding it. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Telling can be a very selfish act.

I think that's maybe a way of deciding who to tell - am I doing it for my benefit, or theirs?

Just my thoughts anyway.

And sorry, one more thing - Davina mentioned the scenario of your sister telling others and they might look at your wife differently as an indirect result.

This is always the natural assumption on forums and everywhere, but actually I experienced it the other way around. They looked at my husband differently and they almost felt sorry for me and more protective? My husband was the 'weirdo', not me. Which was interesting as we women always assume we will indirectly become social freaks or something. I didn't experience this. Your wife might be asked why she stays married to you (I was asked) but people will likely take great pity on her.

Women are known throughout history to sacrifice themselves for kids or marriage or whatever and to put up with A LOT in their relationships, so I now realize most people will sympathize with the wife of a crossdresser and I hope this can rest a few fears for any reading here. If yout biggest problem is personal social shame if others find out, don't worry - it's hard not saying this without insulting Davina and Katie and our husbands- but the truth is the stigma will be theirs alone. We are not crossdressers. We wives really do need to remember this.

It's my wife's fear that if others found out it would reflect badly on the both of us so our deal is no one else needs to know not friends, family or the kids.

It must make or have made it hard for my wife when I told her I cross dress not to be able to talk to someone openly about my dressing but I did say she could if she wanted.. She says she didn't / hasn't and I wouldn't care if she did as I can explain myself well enough.

No one would believe I crossdress .. People would tho o it's a wind up.

D

Thanks Sindy. Wise words as always.

Emma, Hannah and other wives, do you ever have those days where you're like 'wtf, my husband is a crossdresser!'

Those are my hardest. All the chatting and information and comfort and knowing their are other alpha males like Davina doing this, and I'll still get the stomach-punch day, usually when we're doing some family thing and the kids are looking at him like a superhero and I'll suddenly remember 'god, he likes wearing dresses.'

Hate it. Usually I can be logical about it, and then these moments come and I want to tell him he's a selfish git for being like this and wrecking the perfect guy image I had.

And then it passes and I move on. Am I the only one having these days? Has anyone figured out how to move permanently on from these negative thoughts? :(

Davina and Katie, your thoughts appreciated, too.

It may not be relevant but I often wonder how couples managed to get back together after one of them has had an affair. I think the image of my wife being with someone else would be too much for me to take.

However, the reason I think it is relevant is that sometime (very rarely now) I get a thought about her and her ex. I know it was before we met, I knew about him before we met, most people will have had past relationships before they met, I'd had ex-girlfirends but it doesn't stop that thought occasionally popping into my head. I probably have no right to have his thought and logically there is no reason for it to happen. I've been happily married for nearly 25 years with a couple of great kids and I love my wife dearly. But it happens. I can't even put my finger on the emotion it triggers.

When it does I have to reinforce all the reasons I married her and all the great times we've had / will have together.

As you said 'And my kids are so gorgeous, and my husband really is an awesome guy, that yes I can feel robbed at times...but I'd marry him all over again anyway. It's worth it.'

I don't think that you will move away completely from the emotions. But overtime they may be less frequent and you'll be able to brush them off carry on as normal.

You've made great strides to accept it logically. You've obviously spent a lot of time finding out about crossdressing and not just from this blog. That shows you care. It's just that emotion play tricks on us on occasions and if you accept that they do you can let the feelings pass and get on with your awesome life.

Katie

Thanks Katie - your words mean a lot. And I understand the affair/former partners analogy. Isn't it weird how hung up we can get on things we can't even change? So frustrating. I like the idea of accepting these feelings will happen and to know they will also go, too. Wise words. I will try this next time I'm having a bad day. I'll remind myself it will pass and life will be good again.

You and Davina are going to help a lot of crossdressers with this blog, as many wives will read here and start feeling much better. Me included! :)

Much appreciated comment on the blog helping as there are still some detractors who say the blog is harmful.. They can't tell me why but the messages here and in emails I get say otherwise... People who hate on the blog aren't on the same part or path as us occasional crossdressers.

Hope everyone's having a good weekend.

The blog has definitely helped me and others so I can't see how that is harmful.

If you don't identify with the 'Davina' type crossdresser then maybe what is said here isn't valid to your own situation but it doesn't make it harmful to other people who do.

Crossdressing is a broad church and I can only comment on how I feel and answer any questions with honesty. I am alway open to listening and I have in the past changed my views on evidence produced. Sometime looking at things from a different angle can give more clarity.

Katie

I will have to ask my wife a out this one or maybe she can respond here too.

Maybe she does think that sometimes or maybe she has in the past when her levels of acceptance and thoughts of me crossdressing were initial and different than they are today.

I know we share a private joke and smile if crossdressing comes up in conversation and she's more inclined to be thinking if only they knew what you do!

Were still the perfect men you married as we were crossdressers before we got married.. We haven't changed but maybe our crossedressing has from more of a dress to get off to dress for escapism and because we enjoy it these days..

Yes I have those moments where I think 'wtf, my husband is a crossdresser!'

It is getting easier though.

I agree it sometimes crops up and I think how the hell is he a crossdresser seeing him out Sat night with other Couples in the pub thinking look at him acting all macho when Friday he worked from home wearing makeup a wig a dress and lingerie stockings and high heels its mad.

I now see the more funny side to it now that I'm relaxed hes not gay or going to run off with a man or wants to become a woman.

Saturday I needed new foundation so went to Boots and as I have a bit of a tan had a skin colour test with the No 7 beautician and after having my test done said to him come on princess now its your turn lol he went bright red and I said to the beautician do you have that colour red. I'm laughing now typing this he was so embarrassed.

Hi Hannah

Glad you can see the humour. I'd have been so embarrassed.

Katie

LOL Hannah you're so mean! I love it lol. I'll have to try that myself, though I'd probably.y blush too and give the game away!

I'm glad I'm not the only one having off days. For those of us on the outside, it's always going to be a bit weird, isn't it? I mean, if you really think logically about cross dressing it IS weird. Doesn't matter the reasons or motives or any of it - in the end it's grown men pretending to be women. I'll always find it an odd activity but that horror someone mentioned is definitely an overreaction. I figure we react that way because we expect most people outgrew 'dress up' as kids. And because the few cross dressers we might have encountered are all serious perverts lol. Who the hell wants to be married to a pervert?!

Once all that is cleared up, it does become a little easier to look past the weirdness and remember that all humans are a little odd and hopefully the rest of the person makes up for it.

Though, I'm not sure what an obsessive, more regularly dressed crossdresser does for a relationship. I'd doubt many women would put up with the ones most commonly seen on forums. I sure wouldn't. The 'Davina Type Crossdresser' is the type where marriage can thrive. The further you head along that spectrum the closer to divorce I expect you would get.

Brilliant Hannah but I'd have called my wife's bluff and had the skin tone foundation test thing done but the no7 foundation is too expensive for crossdressing

Quite often it is easy enough to spot a crossdresser out whilst dressed as a woman. Size, shape, hand etc. There are some crossdressers who can pass really well but I think that maybe they are in the minority. You don't always spot them or say 'Are they a man or a woman'.

What is harder to spot is the closet crossdresser in his male mode. I read comments about nobody ever being able to guess he was a crossdresser or that if he told them he'd think he was joking. I know when my wife found out she said it was probably the last thing she would have guessed about me.

On the basis 8-10% (assumed) of the male population crossdress in some way or another it means that there are many more of us around that are obvious. As I said before the chances are you know another crossdresser amongst your male friends.

In a premier league football stadium there are going to be potentially a couple of thousand crossdressers. If it's a big pub / restaurant the chances are there is going to be another one in there.

I often wonder who that might be.

Sometimes whilst browsing the women wear section I wonder how many of the men in there are actually shopping for themselves! I know that I will always try not to be too interested which is the typical male mode. So who else is feigning disinterest?

I think that the chances of finding out who is a crossdresser and who is not are pretty slim. They're not easily spotted. So unless a crossdresser is either out and about or makes fundamental error they are never going to be outed. We're all pretty expert at covert operations (spy names) and we put a lot of trust and faith in our wives and partners who share our secret.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that some of the fear that we have are unfounded and that unless we decide to announce it otherwise nobody else is ever going to find out that we are crossdressers. And of they do they probably won't believe us lol.

Katie

I've thought the same! I've also read that 10% has been statistically proven but it could be higher as plenty will lie even on an anonymous poll. It becomes second nature. But as I've written elsewhere I suspect most don't want to be discovered. All this chit chat online about telling the world and coming 'out' is just that - a bunch of old men egging each other on while they sit in their pyjamas on the computer lol. I think it's all bullshit and most of what's written out there is wishful thinking.

So back to what you wrote, I likely have a friend with a crossdressing husband! We all likely do. I already know one friend who's sister married a crossdresser. (Divorced now but not over that - he was bipolar). She doesn't know about me as it was mentioned in passing. So how many more? You have few signs the average person would notice. My kids teacher? The guy at the post office?

You're everywhere and more secretive than the CIA!! haha

I did notice a guy at a shop once, with his family - very masculine with tattoos and muscles and the like longest most shapely nails I've seen on a man. I thought maybe he played guitar until I also noticed he was wearing a light nail polish. How many non crossdressers would do this? Like I said, the guy was scarily masculine otherwise and his wife looked like a porn pinup. Very hot couple. Crossdressing is not just a pack of weird loser perverts who can't get girlfriends so make their own. I mean, sure, these dudes also exist lol. But plenty of ordinary guys, and alpha types, are indulging too. So yes, if you don't do anything wreckless and stupid I do agree you could easily go your entire lives without anyone ever knowing.

And maybe even join MI5!!

I've spotted crossdressers out and about where they've been crossdressed and some have made me cringe but maybe some have passed that well that I haven't noticed but then again I've also seen real women and thought blimey is that a man or a woman.. My wife refers to one woman we know as "That manly woman" .. How rude lol but she's right.

Aside from manly looking women and men out crossdressed I've often thought I wonder who else does this.. Who out of the lads I played rugby, cricket and football with or went to school with or work and socialise with might be or is a crossdresser.. I can't be the only one.

It would be great to give them all a questionnaire purely anonemous with that question do you or have you ever crossdressed to see if 10% say yes.

I've never seen anyone out in male mode and thought he might be a crossdresser but I have experienced a lot of chat when out joking about crossdressing as I've blogged about on here with friends and people in work so some of that bad raised suspicions that some people I know must crossdress...

Invasion of the crossdressers. We're out there but nobody can tell!

There is a question on a longish running post on the main (annoying propaganda) forum. Would you date your femme self?

All said yes! Except a couple who thought it would be weird as they thought they looked like their mothers. Ewwww!

I found this a fascinating result, and someone rightly pointed out quite significant as it defines one of the reasons for dressing. Most crossdressers are clearly dressing as the woman they are attracted to - not a female version of their male selves. Many do look very different (different hair colour etc) when dressed - my husband included! Intriguing, and I would suggest this is one of the differences between trans and not trans?

So, would you date yourselves, Katie and Davina? :)

And another question - does your femme self look a bit like your wife? I have also noticed when couples post photos that the crossdresser looks similar to his partner. Makes sense if he's dressing like the women he is attracted to.

Of course, if you tell your small breasted brunette wife you dress like the women you're attracted to while wearing a platinum blonde wig and double D's, expect some backlash lol.

No my fem self looks nothing like my wife tho I did buy and still have a brunette wig but I rarely if ever wear it and only bought it to see how I'd look brunette.

I don't look like my wife when I'm dressed.

If !'m trying to do the clothes justice and be a presentable as possible then I couldn't wear what she does. She does give me inspiration but it still has to have my twist to ensure it looks right.

From past mistakes I know that what makes one person attractive just doesn't suit another.

Katie

Would I date myself?

Of course I would I'm brilliant and in dating myself I could half my workload in having my clone do half my job for me and at the same time have a sexy leggy blonde strutting about.. My wife would have a thing or two to say about it though and I'm assuming mynclone would have female not male parts lol.

I suppose to an extent I might dress as the woman I'm attracted to albeit my wife's. Brunette and I'm blonde but being blonde myself I went for blonde wigs.. I don't get crossdressers who dress as their wives to try to look like their wives but we all have differing reasons and motivations.

I think I look very different as "Davina" and also think i look sexier which I would as I don't find men attractive and a leggy well made up blonde staring at me in the mirror looks ok and I also weirdly feel sexy when dressed which I don't really feel as a man.

So yeah I'd date Davina if "She" was a real woman lol

No. I look too like my sister when I'm dressed so it just wouldn't be right.

I was walking down the road yesterday evening and there was a couple walking in front of me. She has nice smooth, tanned legs. He had pale, skinny, hairy ones. I know which legs I found most attractive.

I tried to follow my thought process. If the most attractive legs were the woman's legs then if I wanted to be attractive then I need legs like those.I guess somewhere there is a cross over in my wiring. Is that how other crossdressers feel?

I couldn't see what a woman would find attractive about the man's legs. I can see a woman thinking that the girl's legs were attractive to men and therefore she'd like legs like those but not actually being attracted to the legs.

Taking the thought process further. Because I find women attractive I need to dress as a woman to be attractive. I guess that goes back to Sindy's point about do we find ourselves attractive.

When a man find a woman attractive he thinks that he need to dress / act in a way that she will find attractive. I get that and will dress / act in a way that women find attractive, however, I don't always feel that sexy. When I dress as a woman I feel sexy.

Somewhere my thought process must get muddled.

So dressing makes me feel sexy and good about myself. It's done for my benefit and nobody else's.

Does that make sense?

Katie

I suspect that's really common for crossdressers. I remember talking with my husband many moons ago and I suddenly realized he was talking as though everyone found women more attractive than men, therefore looking female was the default position for attractiveness. I couldn't believe he felt this way and had to point out that, no, heterosexual women LOVE the way men look and are not attracted to the female form at all. That would make us bisexual or gay.

He was seriously surprised. There's definitely a wiring glitch happening somewhere!

As Davina has mentioned, she can't tell when other men are attractive. Is this the case for all men or just crossdressers? It's almost ironic that you're accused of being gay, when you're really so damn straight you can't even find your own male image attractive lol! At least you realized that to attract women you still need to do the guy thing. Most crossdressers obviously figure this out at some point and those who don't are probably still single!

Lordy, it's confusing. But I'd say it's common Katie, and maybe there is some wiring mix up going on where crossdressers don't feel like women, but they do feel women represent attractiveness therefore they feel attractive when looking like women. It seems a mix up between what you know to be attractive and how you feel. Other men either don't care if they're attractive or they're wired to feel sexy as a man.

Anyway, interesting thought, but one I've heard many times from other online wives who could tell their husbands felt sexiest in women's clothing and a wig while the wife is trying to hold back the gag reflex. Humans are just so damn complex lol.

And when I say gag reflex I mean because she's repelled by the female form sexually - not because he's wearing women's clothing. It's a hard thing to overcome when you're heterosexual!

But it makes sense what you wrote, Katie. I think my husband dresses only for himself. It makes him feel better, despite what the rest of us might think.

Stripped naked there iare obvious differences between the male and female form. I guess it's the female image before that is the turn off.

It just shows how powerful clothing can be in forming our opinions.

Katie

I think clothing is an incredibly powerful way of representing ourselves to the world. Look at military uniforms or police - those say authority. Then there's ten inch heels and a micro mini skirt - sex worker lol. So many different messages given through clothing alone, so yes it's the female image that causes the negative response as obviously underneath it you're men.

I guess the message given by the crossdresser is perhaps where all the confusion lies. The crossdresser feels he's presenting 'attractiveness/desirability/sexual power/beauty. But those viewing the crossdresser might instead read 'confusion/delusional/sexual deviant/exhibitionist'.

It's subjective how we feel about someone's image and our own. I think people might have a common reaction to say a police officer or a doctor in a white coat and likely most people would be a bit weirded out by the crossdresser. But at an individual level they might have had a good experience with the police, or a terrible one. Maybe doctors failed them at some point. Maybe their brother is a crossdresser. So I think a wife's gag reflex at the female image is not a logical one that says anything about the husband she loves, but the standard inbuilt reaction of a heterosexual woman.

Clothes really can make the man.

I think that women's clothing is very sexualised. It is used to enhance and show off feminine features such as boobs, bum, waist and legs.

In contrast men's clothing is practical and is really comparable to modern day armour. A suit or uniform normally gives status and protection. Normally a man will be covered head to foot in clothing, occasionally shorts or t shirts but they will mainly be baggy and not revealing.

Women's clothing will tend to be tight fitting and even jeans and T shirts will fit where they touch showing off the female figure.

Lingerie is designed to flatter and enhance. It is also designed to be sexually attractive to men. Just think stockings and suspenders, Davina. I think the majority of women just wouldn't wear the lingerie bought by their husbands or partners on a day to day basis as it's just not practical and uncomfortable. It's saved for special occasions when the dingy greys just won't do!

High heels are totally impractical but they enhance the legs and make women more vulnerable - something men want as it makes them the protector.

The majority of women's clothing is designed to make women sexy to men.

Make up is also designed to make women sexually appealing to men. Blusher and red lip stick to signify arousal. Eye make up to make them look younger and more appealing.

However, if a woman wears 'real' men's clothing and no make up she is generally considered a lesbian or a trans man. She would not be consider sexy by heterosexual males, especially if she's hairy and smelly!

I know that I have been guilty in the past in assuming that women can wear men's clothes but really the men's clothes we think about are jeans and a t shirts which are still cut and designed to be worn by women.

A typical woman wouldn't buy clothes from the male section of a store and expect to get away with it in the same way as we can't.

I guess it's this sexy, attractive etc feeling that crossdressers are trying to achieve by wearing women clothing. Something denied them by male clothing.

I can also understand the woman's response to a crossdresser. My wife wouldn't be as appealing wearing men's clothes, no make up, hairy and smelly. So when we're wearing women's clothes, made up, clean shaved and smelling clean I get it.

But as we discussed before we're not looking to be sexy to men or women. We're looking to be sexy for ourselves.

Katie

It's a great trait that you can see the other viewpoint, Katie. Your wife is very lucky that you do understand how she might feel about all this. I swear that's half the battle right there. The rest is really up to her and how much she wants to know/be involved, and of course communication.

And it's also great that you admit the dressing is only for you. My husband says the same. I wish the general public could hear this as most are wondering who you're trying to impress, given straight women, straight men, lesbians and gay men are mostly going to say 'no thanks'. But dressing for yourself removes that confusion.

You're clearing up a lot of angst here, Katie. Davina, too. I hope other wives are reading here and slowly understanding more, as I am. :)

I have a friend who honestly says he couldn't tell you who the most attractive was between David Beckham and Nigel Farage and I'm pretty sure he isn't a crossdresser, but then again who knows!

I think I can judge which men might be more attractive to women but there are always curve balls. Sometime I look at a celebrity who women find attractive and think 'really'.

Thankfully there is a lot more to attraction than just looks. As I said before intelligence, wealth and wit all play a part in the overall package.

Katie

I can look at Farage and think Ogre!! Beer swilling fag smoking man and see Beckham and think he's the better looking despite tattoos all over the place ...

But is this as the media constructed me to think like that and the popular opinion of women that they fancy Beckham .... As I don't fancy him in the slightest. Lol

I really can't look at a man and say he's good looking but can say some men are obviously ugly.

I know I'm average liking as a man but probably attractive enough and certainly witty and quick thinking enough and there's an example where you can be average looking but it's your personality which becomes attractive .... Until you admit to the woman you've pulled that you croasdress and they run for the hills lol.

Must put on spell check I sound like the French copper off allo allo.... Small windows phone keyboard and typing too quick

I agrees to some of your statement Katie bit not to all of it.

I dress for myself. I don't dress to attract anyone else but it is nice if someone comments on a photo of me positively on tvchix website.

Bit I definitely dress for myself too and not as some would perceive to attract men (yuck) and not to attract women just a pity my wife's not attracted to Davina then it may be even more fun lol.

Agreed which set of legs I'd be looking at too the tanned female ones although I'm more partial to seeing women's legs in black stockings or tights than bare so maybe that's a bit of a fetish or some subliminal turn on that I prefer to see women in tights than bare legs..

My wife says I have nice legs as Davina and nice legs as a man and although I'd say my legs are skinny.. The wife says I have skinny bitch legs they're also muscular if I wanted to tense them but I think in a photo or a stick your leg through a hole competition in stockings and heels I could easily convince someone that's its women's sexy leg's they're seeing.

But here's where I differ as I'm not sure I dress as a woman to feel attractive as sure I feel sexier when I'm crossdressed but I also try to.look my best as a man and this time of year it's important to start to get that base tan so you do t have the pasty white hairy legs lol.

It's become more of the fun thing .. Fun to get dressed, fun to do my makeup and make myself look different and to transform topped off by the wig and seeing myself look totally different then comes an initial bout of hornyness and feeling sexy in what I'm wearing and then feeling relaxed and stress free for a bit.

I don't feels it's wiring or thoughts getting muddied as I know what I'm doing and why to an extent as it's become something i enjoy to do more than a way to look / feel attractive and I think I'm at a stage where the urge and urgency of a chance to dress is controlled.. I've not dressed for about 7 weeks and a few years ago I'd be itching to dress but now I'm looking for more quality time to dress than a grabbed opportunity.

Maybe the next time I work from home ill dress but think I have my mind set on that night in trying on my wardrobe .... I'll have to cut a hole for my head to pike thru the top and for arms and legs. Bloom boom

Hi Davina

I think that sometime it's the word we use and the definitions we place on those words that maybe different.

You say fun and I might say enjoy. I do find the process of getting dressed pleasurable. I can get excited (not sexually) by buying new clothes and can't wait to try then on.

When I say attractive I guess you can interchange with sexy. To me attractive and sexy are intertwined.

I know what I'm doing when I get dressed.

Putting it simply it's just my perception of what is sexy and enjoyable that take a left turn instead of a right. Most men go right and wouldn't find dressing as a woman either sexy or enjoyable. Most women may go left. I don't know why it happens which is why I termed it as the wrong wiring. It's only the wrong wiring as far as society is concerned.

People get pleasure (enjoyment or fun) from lots of different activities. I enjoy lots of other things in my life that I find pleasurable and even exhilarating. Some people will find them a chore and even fearful.

I find dressing as a woman pleasurable along with the other 10% of the male population (or so reported) which is why it is considered within the normal behaviour range by psychologists. It is society that considers it abnormal which lead to all the stigma.

I don't consider my dressing as an addiction as it can be controlled. I don't take risks just to dress but then again I know I will have an opportunity sooner or later. It has never been denied to me so I don't know what the long term consequences of denial would be.

Katie

exactly.

One word out of place and someone reads something else it was a bit of a test to see how you'd respond.

An example how things can look and sound different and lead to other thought patterns based on choice of words.

I've just had two days away with work and next week is hectic so will turn into 8 weeks or two months without crossdressing .. I think the longest gap has been 3 months in recent years.

Exercise and diet plus work have distracted me from crossdressing. I've had opportunity and even went one day up to get something to change into etc but too much to get on with in work so didn't dress.

Maybe the week after next....

I don't know if you've answered this already, but what happens if you don't dress?

If you've answered this question with some version of 'I'd be grumpy, depressed, stressed or unhappy', doesn't this concern you?

And before you compare this to being moody if you can't surf or play golf or whatever, remember that surfing and golf and most other activities are a choice. The more I read and understand of crossdressing the more I realize there is no choice. Or, at least, there isn't any more. Perhaps there was many years ago when a young boy made a decision to try on his mother's clothing. As an adult it's embedded in your psyche, right?

Anyway, regardless of how in control you are of it all (and you and Katie are fantastic at the control, clearly) does it ever concern you that this behavior has this 'hold' over you?

I think I'd be a little freaked out. But then, I'm coming from the outside and have nothing to compare it to other than maybe alcoholics or smokers etc.

I think if anyone was denied something that they wanted to do it would make them unhappy. Especially if it was normally easily accessible. You might also feel grumpy so I think that these are normal responses.

I don't think I'd get depressed or stressed. Dressing relieves the stress built up from other areas in my life, it is not the cause of the stress.

There must be a trigger for the need to dress. I didn't dress for most of my 20's. Young, free and single. The big trigger seemed to be a stressful time in my life when for some reason I went back to it. It might have just been a coincidence, I don't know, but really since my mid-30s I've been dressing again. As Davina has said sometimes you'll get the opportunity and just can't be bothered or don't want to.

For this reason I don't think that it is an addiction in the same way as smoking or drinking. When both of those get hold of you they are very destructive. My ex-brother in law was a heavy drinker and it ruined his marriage, his life and affected all his family. An ex-smoker or alcoholic are always walking a thin line as they are powerful drugs for those with addictive natures.

Does it concern me that it has a hold over me? Life would be easier (and less expensive) if I didn't dress. I think that I can control it and the benefits to me mentally and physically outweigh the negative impacts on my life.

I know I didn't choose to be a crossdresser and I don't believe that day I chose to try on my mums clothes was a conscious choice. At that age human beings are impulsive so I had no control over the decision I made.

Crossdressing is part of who I am and I believe that there are far worse things that I could be than a crossdresser. I know it's a bit of a cliche but I could be mentally and physically abusive to my wife. I am also not naive enough to believe that there are not crossdressers who are mentally and physically abusive but from the reading I have done an general observations crossdressers do seem to be a placid bunch. Most forum posts show that they care about their wives and the biggest fear is always losing them. Generally they also seem to be pretty loyal to their wives and partners - any break up of a marriage seems to induce much soul searching on the forums with the question 'was my crossdressing to blame' being high on the agenda.

I think I read somewhere that most crossdressers are middle aged, with good incomes and above average intelligence. Seems to fit the bill even if I might be blowing my own trumpet!

I think that it did freak me out in the past. But having come to terms with my crossdressing I am in a better place than I have ever been with it. As I've said before asking and answering questions here has been important in coming to terms with it. It has really only been the last 3 years that I have looked for answers and felt in someways normal.

Katie

Blow that trumpet away, Katie's lol. I think your wife and Davinas wife are two of the lucky ones. And I know you've answered most of these questions to me now and despite the blah days I'm doing okay. I just figure it's worth asking them individually in case any other wives stumble across this blog with the same questions and concerns I've always had. Wondering what will happen to your husband of he doesn't dress is a worry so this should alleviate some of that for them.

I hope you and Davina don't mind if I keep asking these questions? I do think it's helpful for anyone reading here. Otherwise it's just a bunch of crossdressers telling Davina how awesome she is. Which is true and maybe Davina misses that haha.

By the way, I know you're Katie and Davina here, but I always feel a bit weird calling you 'she' when I know neither of you identifies that way. But what do you prefer? Is it too weird to say 'I spoke to Katie and HE said...' ?? I mean, I'm guessing most of the time you're posting here in guy clothes and you're getting called a she. That must sound sort of funny from your end haha.

I'll call you both whatever you wish. He, she, or it. :)

Thanks Sindy.

As I said before answering questions and reading your answers challenges my thoughts and opinions which is always good and healthy.

Maybe Davina could condense some of the questions and answers into the 'help and advice section'.

With regard to the he / she debate it really depends upon the situation. I also struggle when talking about crossdressers and normally avoid using he / she at all in a bid not to offend. I usually just use the name that they are going by or 'you' if seeking directly.

Personally it doesn't bother me either way as some of time I posting / reading as male me and others as Katie. The fact I don't identify as a female probably makes it easier in my situation.

It did, however, seem strange to be called 'Sir' on the one occasion I was dressed in front of another GG. When I went to see the personal shopper she was very good and it's probably easier face to face not to use 'he' or 'she'. But the older lady who did a make up test called me 'Sir' which was probably a bit uncomfortable for both of us. I guess it's the corporate way - you either address as 'Sir' or 'Madam'. I know quiet a few stores will give gender eduction to staff but it can still be a bit confusing. That's part of the reason for the long emails back and forth with the personal shopper. Didn't want it to be a shock to either party and I wanted to make sure she was comfortable with the situation.

Katie

Of course we don't mind the questions its bloomin fun answering them lol

We are Katie and Davina here but in made up names only I don't expect anyone to call me Davina its just a screen name made up for here like I've said before I don't think of myself as Davina but its useful to have a name for reference to the alter ego lol.

I don't mind being called he, him, or she but not IT!!

Its sometimes easier when referring to a crossdresser to call her her or she... Thinking of it I think my wife sometimes refers to Davina as her oh and sometimes calls her my inner bitch..


You are free to say "I chatted to Davina and he said this or that the same as you are free to say I chatted to Dvina and she said this or that.."

Probably more flattering to refer to us as her or she but doesn't bother me.

yes 99% of the time i'm sat her typing this in tracksuit bottoms or jeans and t shirt and 1% of the time maybe I type it crossdressed so in those terms calling me her or she when I have a beard is pretty weird I suppose. lol

Some however want to be referred to as She and get cross if you say he or him but that's just sad.. So for convention call us what you like

Do you ever refer to your husbands as She or Her?

D

Oh god no. That would be really odd lol. But I never ever see him as female. Even dressed I didn't see him as someone different and I figure our vows weren't 'woman and woman' so he's always a 'he' to me.

Happy to call others 'she' though. I have no problem with it. Maybe it's weirder for a wife? I like the inner bitch idea though - your wife is smart lol.

What happens if I dress?

Well its been about 8 weeks since I last crossdressed when away with work in a hotel in Derby and I packed Davina as an opportunity to dress and was nice working on the laptop as Davina oh and what sparked this long bout of chatter I chatted to a real woman wife of a tgirl on skype face to face albeit over webcams and Sindy scalded me for doing it lol

If I don't dress hmmmm

The urge can come and go as seeing a woman presented well making the effort to look nice in a supermarket may make me think I'd love to go home now and get dolled up or work may be uber stressful and I think I could do with dressing to unwind (work is always uber stressful) but its changed slightly in that I used to dress, maybe just put on lingerie and a dress and heels but now I prefer to put on makeup and the wig and dress fully or I don't do it at all so opportunity and time to dress up is a rarer thing for me ie if I don't have quality time to enjoy being crossdressed I wont do it which makes the next opportunity even better after a long stretch of not dressing.

Like anything else if you cant do something you enjoy you get grumpy, depressed, stressed or unhappy', this can happed to me if I know my football teams on TV but I cant watch it or if my rugby teams at home and I cant get to the game as I'm away with work..

Crossdressing is one of the fun enjoyable things I do so if I cant dress sure I get cranky but unlike football or rugby where I remain kranky if my team loses or plays badly after crossdressing the calmness remains ie I know I have a chance to dress up and think this will be good I'm looking forward to it in anticipation then I get made up and enjoy that aspect then I'm dressed and relaxation and sometimes sexiness / hornyness washes over me but then times up and I'm back to male me but the euphoria remains for a good few hours later. It really is a pill free stress relief crossdressing for me anyway.

Golf, football, rugby, surfing, or whatever is a choice and so is crossdressing - I chose to do it it doesn't control me "The wand choses the wizard Harry" is not the same with crossdressing not for me anyway... I can see a pair of high heels and not have to try them on lol.

However I cannot speak for everyone and for some men crossdressing will control them and their urge is greater than mine.

My wife notices how when I dress I'm different and after dressing I'm more chilled out so I think she sees it as a positive for me this fancy dress makarky as Emma has just referred to it in one post and that is what my wifes said about it I just think of it as you in fancy dress and that's ok by me as that's all I'm doing still me but looking "Fabulous Darling!" lol .

Crossdressing has no hold over me as I understand it and I am controlling my urges to crossdress

So 8 weeks in since I last crossdressed and last crossdressed only as the opportunity was there and like I've said 12-14 times per year I crossdress so very occasional although I do feel at the moment like its time I got all dolled up but mainly as I've not done it for 2 months.

I think in my mind that idea of a girls night in trying on all my dresses with my wife and having a sort out is the main idea in my mind for my next session as Davina withmy wife also getting dolled up maybe let me do her makeup and try on dresses and heels too but that comes down to circumstances and agreement with my wife and the kids staying on a Friday or Saturday night as grandparents so we have the house to ourselves curtains closed but would be fab if that was my next dressing opportunity.

Also diet and fitness has taken over my psyche at the moment out walking / running and dieting to lose the lbs before our hols abroad so even less time to crossdress..

I may get a day working from home next week and maybe I'll have a good shave and when the kids go off to school get all tarted up an work from home as Davina but if I don't I know another opportunity will arise..

The most annoying thing is thinking you have opportunity to dress then things change and you don't get the chance which can be disappointing but you know there will be other times and the worst is you get dolled up and your makeup is perfect and you look in the mirror and think wow I really do look good today then something happens and you have to get changed back pronto and waste all the makeup!!!

Hi

I think that we've gone on quite a journey together and it would be really helpful as a guide to us crossdressers what sort of behaviour you have learned to accept and tolerate and what behaviour is a definite no-no.

I know that this will differ from GG to GG but I'm sure that there is some common ground. With these boundaries in place I think life would be easier for all concerned.

So ladies some common ground rules.

Katie

For me personally, I can tolerate:

Dressing privately away from the kids and I
Shaving
Online purchases sent to his work

Definite no-nos:

Public dressing
Dressing around the kids!
Telling others without my knowledge, and even then I'd wonder why he's telling people
Wearing nail polish all the time

Basically bringing this behavior into our everyday family life would be a deal breaker. I don't know about women married to men who are trans, but the 'Davina type crossdressing', in my opinion, doesn't belong in everyday life.

Agreed I can tolerate

Dressing privately or
Dressing when I'm there as long as I know he will be dressed or its a girls night in
Shaving as I prefer him smooth than hairy anyway but not his legs as that might be a give away in the summer when he wears shorts - like Davina hes blonde his legs are hairy he does shave above his stocking tops which is nice and smooth but with 80-100 denier stockings there is no sign that his legs are hairy
Online purchases are ok but sent to home or buy things in shops I don't mind seeing him embarrassed making female purchases

Definite no-nos:

Public dressing as i'm not ready and may never be ready for him to be out in public dressed although I will admit he could possibly pass in public
Dressing around the kids! - absolutely no reason for them to know it would be too confusing
Telling others without my knowledge, and even then I'd wonder why he's telling people - exactly the same its our secret it took me time to understand living with him reading this blog and talking other people would not have that opportunity to gain an understanding
Wearing nail polish all the time - he doesn't wear nail polish but I did get him some false nails once lol
The final thing Sindy didn't put is meeting other crossdressers behind my back which I read some do and this can lead to sexual liaisons which would be more than a deal breaker

I'm glad he's the "Davina type crossdresser" no trans issues, doesn't want to be a woman, straight and loyal and just finds enjoyment in crossdressing.

I've re-read a lot of Davinas blog and her wifes (him her what to call Davina lol) and like Davina and his / her wife I think of it as fancy dress its not too serious and we're reached a level or plateau were ok with.

I have a friend who has gone back to school to train as a psychologist. She doesn't know about my husband. The other day she showed me her current study material and it's on gender, paraphilia and sexual disorders. You here and my husband are in this category. It was really depressing to see. It made me question all the tolerance and calm I'd finally found as essentially, the medical profession thinks my husband is sick.

He has a disorder. Davina and Katie, so do you. :(

I didn't say much but the fact is my friend is being trained to 'help' men such as yourselves learn you're sick and need treatment. This is very negative news for a wife. I think all humans have issues but to hear it has a serious name - Paraphilia. God, I married a man with a disorder in the same group as pedophilia!!

Logic says that's bullshit. How can the two compare? My friend said these behaviours all start the same in childhood, they affect only men, and follow the exact same compulsion pattern so yes, they are in the same group. One is harmful to others and the other usually isn't but both are disorders.

Depressing news. Knowing this now I honestly can't see acceptance for crossdressing anytime soon. You don't even have medical support that it's okay. :(

What do you all think of this?

Absolute tosh...

We don't understand it so it's a disorder!!

This is why I've never sought any counselling as they haven't the faintest idea why men crossdress and it certainly isn't a disorder like described and certainly not in the same grouping as that disgusting word.

This is whata being taught so we have no chance.

It may sometimes be a compulsion bit in which case so is going to the pub, loving your wife and kids unconditionally, following your sports team and never missing a match that's what I can compare my crossdressing to so we all have a disorder?

I'd love to chat to your friend and give perspective on this and her training bit obviously you can divulge the secret in your household..

The sad thing is obe day a crossdresser ay go to her and se will tell him and his wife he has a disorder in the same bracket as a peado and that is so wrong its ridiculous.

Another Aaarrgfhhhhhhhh moment for crossdressers who just wat a bit of fun and escapism and love women and the fem image so much we like to portray it and also use it as compensation for the fact most women stop making the effort to look fem nowadays.

A sexual kick to start in sexy lingerie you wish you had a girlfriend wearing... Then a want to see if you can look convincing then find it fun and relaxing etc..

So does. Drag queen have a disorder?
Does a transsexual have a disorder?

It's not very nice none of it.. Poor understanding of trans and worse understanding of crossdressers..

It all boils down to views of society and what's deemed fashion belonging to man and women simple as that no disorder here